struggling

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OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS AND CHARACTER DEFECTS

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I have just learned about my obsessive and compulsive behavior only a couple of 24’s ago. I didn’t understand when I was using why I couldn’t stop thinking about it or why I continued to use knowing the consequences of my actions. Thanks to the process of recovery. I am beginning to get an understanding.

Now that I understand a little about obsession and compulsion I am noticing those behaviors in other areas of my life. I can no longer blame the drugs or blame anyone for my behavior. It has become painfully obvious that the problem lies within me.

My last bout with obsession and compulsion had me searching for love in all the wrong places. Banging my head against the wall and blaming others for my unhappiness. Getting involved in relationships that I had no business being in and feeling not worthy in the end balled up wondering why me, why am I here again. Only to repeat it the minute someone shows an interest.

Low self esteem and still having feelings of wanting to fit in have plagued me lately. I have to resolve those old issues and build my own self worth and love of self. I have to stop looking outside for what can only be found inside of me. Until I do I will never be able to fully commit and have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I am grateful that I no longer have the need to always be right, to beat myself up or to run, duck, hide and quit when the going gets tough. When I make mistakes or when I repeat something because I haven’t quite learned the lesson yet.

I have found the strength to let go of obsessing over people. Just for today I am concentrating on me. I am looking forward to doing the work necessary to grow. I know that I can be my biggest cheerleader and also my worse critic and my worse enemy. But as long as I continue to show up. I know I will grow up.

I will put down the bat and pick up the feather. Focus on what needs to be done and not on my need for instant gratification.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW.

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I have been constantly reminding myself of this lately.

My mind keeps jumping back to old behavior mode and old attitudes are proving to die harder than I originally thought. I find myself wanting to resort to some of my old methods of handling situations. I am not talking about using substances to solve anything, I am referring to street tactics and antics. I have been sharing about my feelings with anyone who will listen. I have been struggling in the area of letting go. I know that it takes practice so I am not beating myself up.

I really need to get with someone and find out how to let go and not take it back. How to release the need to still try to control situations and manipulate outcomes. How do I kick these thoughts to the curb and not go back and pick them up later. Staying focused lately has been hard and it has been affecting my overall attitude. My spirit is feeling uneasy and I have been really irritable. It has been showing in more ways than I care to mention. I need a break from my own madness, a vacation from my thoughts. I have been sharing that I need to plug back in. I do not wish to be like the animal who gets cut from the herd on to be eaten alive by the savage beast.

Been there. Done that.

I know that doing the same things expecting different results is the meaning of insanity. It’s crazy how the things I am learning, I am relearning over and over again in different situations and scenarios. In the beginning my insanity was using drugs and thinking this time will be different. Now my insanity is taking on a new meaning it has taken a different form but the outcomes are similar in the pain it is causing. I am becoming more and more aware of myself. I am also becoming more aware that certain things that I used to do are no longer acceptable to me.. Because if they were I would have acted off the impulses already. I am fighting a war and the battle ground is between my ears.

I am grateful for the process of recovery for it is teaching me how to say NO. It is teaching me to be honest about my feelings and my thoughts. It is teaching me that it’s ok to talk about my feelings and not to worry about what others think or say about me. It is teaching me that I have to be responsible for my recovery and for my actions. How to show up for people and to ask for help when I need it.

I am grateful to have found a place where there are so many people just like me.

I know that my old ways do not work. My old ways got me a whole lot of pain, misery and suffering. To think that anything has changed or that I can do it different this time would be me believing the lies of my addictive thoughts and will prove once again to be a suicide mission. I do not wish to try to kill myself again. Not today not ever. I will continue to seek the help I need to get through this without taking any shortcuts.

My old ways will not open any new doors. They will only open jail cells or a casket.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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STOP TRYING TO FIX IT.

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When I read this quote it hit me hard. It made me realize that I have been chasing after something that I will never get back. It was a once in a lifetime shot thats gone.

It takes me back to my active addiction. For years chasing a high that I would never be able to duplicate. Chasing after a dream that would never become a reality. Trying so hard but always falling short. Yet and still trying anyway.

In recovery we equate insanity with doing the same things, expecting different results. I always looked at that as meaning my life in my addiction. Using drugs with the hope that this time would be different. I am beginning to realize that insanity is not only referring to my active addiction. Insanity still manifests itself in my life in recovery.

Insanity is still active in certain areas of my life. It’s just showing up in different ways. It all has to do with my thinking and my using. Not using drugs but using people, places, things and situations. Addiction is cunning, baffling, insidious and insistent. It never stops trying to find ways and means to make me destroy myself.

One way or another it doesn’t want me to be happy. It wants me dead but will settle for me being miserable. I have to be on constant lookout for signs. Attitudes and behavioral changes. Its a never ending battle.

Letting go is easy, not taking it back is where I struggle. I try to damn hard to have a peaceful existence with myself and others. Trying to manipulate situations for favorable outcomes. Especially in relationships. I need to let go. Its broken and I will not try any longer to fix it.

I will fall back, stay in position for the blessings that are coming and stop trying to create own.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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UP, DOWN AND ALL AROUND.

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I am all over the place emotionally. One minute I’m up the next I’m down. I am having difficulty letting go of a situation that I have no control over. I let go only to pick it back up and go through the hopeless feelings again.

All the while I know deep down inside that in the long run I will be alright. I cannot stand the feelings of worry and impending doom that I am feeling. I know that if I surrender and just continue to do my best that all will be well.
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So why am I struggling with surrendering. Why do I continue to plot, scheme and try to figure out ways to get around this situation. Rather than just let be what will be. I know that its just me wanting what I want when I want it. I still struggle with wanting instant gratification.

This too shall pass. Not in my time but in time.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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GIVING THANKS

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Today I recognize and am thankful for those members who loved me when I was unable to love myself. Those members who believed in me and supported me when I kept relapsing. No matter how many times I went back out, they remained supportive and kept telling me to keep coming back.

It was that unconditional love that kept me hopeful. I remember the feeling of utter hopelessness that I had when I was struggling to stay clean. Each time that I relapsed I felt like I would never ever be able to stay clean. It was a very depressing time in my life.

I didn’t believe in myself, I struggled with believing in a higher power and I had very little faith. I received shots of hope from members of the fellowship that had been down this same road. Those members that knew from experience what it felt like to relapse. They knew what I was going through and when they shared their stories with me it gave me hope that I too could stay clean.

Eventually everything that they shared with me became a reality for me. I became sick and tired of using and I was able to surrender. I was able to admit my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life became crystal clear. I began to see the importance of meetings and sharing my feelings. Especially those feelings of wanting to use.

The longer I stayed the more I began to realize change was happening. My thinking was becoming a little clearer, my attitude was becoming more positive. I was becoming more  hopeful and my behavior started to reflect that. My belief in a higher power was renewed and in turn my belief in myself began to grow.
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I am for ever grateful that I was guided to and am being guided through this life saving process. Had it not been for the members of Narcotics Anonymous I would surely be in jail, some other institution. Or
I WOULD BE DEAD!

If you are reading this and you are struggling with staying clean. Just know that you can get clean and stay clean. Find those people that believe in you and want to help you in your process. Support is what got me through. If I can do it after using for almost 40 years so can you. I am here for you. Feel free to use the contact me link right here on my blog. I believe in you.

Recovery Is Possible.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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BEING GRATEFUL, EVEN IN THE STORM

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I could never understand what being grateful even in a storm meant. I heard people say it’s easy to be grateful when everything is going good. But are you still as grateful when you are going through something.

It really takes faith and a strength not my own to be grateful when everything around me seems to be going to shit. On most days I can find something to be grateful for. Then there are those days that I find myself entertaining those negative thoughts.

Strength comes in many different forms. And can show up when I least expect it. I never thought of myself as having the strength needed to stay clean but surprised myself daily as I celebrated clean time. From 30 days, 1 year , 18 months. I began to realize that I did have the strength and I began to wonder where it came from.

I know that there’s a power at work in my life that is greater than I could ever be and is responsible for guiding me on this journey in recovery. Left to my own devices I don’t think I would’ve made it this far nor would I have the willingness to continue on.

I am grateful that I am learning how to trust in things that I have yet to see. Things that I can just feel inside. I truly believe that what I am experiencing right now is a spiritual awakening. I have a belief that everything will be alright. Even though it doesn’t look like there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Even though at times I cannot see it. I know that it’s there.
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I am learning the consequences of my actions with this storm. I am learning to be responsible for my responsibilities. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow from it.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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WHAT’S SO DIFFERENT

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I have to admit that although I know I have changed and I am very grateful for my life in recovery. I am struggling right now financially. It is starting to take a toll on my spirit.

Not too long ago, I spent every dime using and finding the ways and means to get more. My whole life I spent more money than I had chasing after a high I would never be able to duplicate.

I remember working all week only to get paid on Friday and be broke by Friday night. I was caught in a vicious cycle that repeated itself over and over for years. Having to go through the week broke wasn’t a good look. Sad as it was that was my life.

Today clean and living a program of recovery. I find myself back in that same boat, under different circumstances. I no longer give all my money to drug dealers and tricks. Today I give all my money to bills and bill collectors. Its the same gang just in a different setting.

They both don’t care that I spend all money. They both will live on if I decide not to spend my money with them. Unlike with the drug dealers, if I decide not to be responsible and pay my bills I am the only one who will suffer from the affects. I know this from experience because thats the reason I am suffering now.

My addiction would l Iike for me to think that I am wasting my time. That this will never end but only get worse. It would love to make me believe that I work for it and I should be able to spend it any damn way I please.
My addiction
(my own thinking) is my worse enemy. It can be so convincing, cunning and insistent.

Sometimes I wonder What’s so different now. I am right back where I was, but without the drugs. My life is still a mess but without the drugs. I am still suffering, but without the drugs. So what’s so different.
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The difference is.
I am clean. I am becoming responsible for my actions and being held accountable for my responsibilities. I am dealing with life on life’s terms not on my terms.The suffering that I am facing is not the same. There is no comparison. I have tools to deal with adversity and ways and means to get through anything obstacles that I face.
WITHOUT THE DRUGS.

I am experiencing what I have heard others in recovery say. Life is good and then it gets real. I am grateful for those who have walked this path before me. It lets me know that no matter what happens in my life. I can get through it and gain strength from it.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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CERTIFIABLY INSANE

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There was a time in my life when I was ruled by the insanity of my active addiction.

Here’s one of those times.

No names have been changed to protect anyone.

As you all know I am a addict in recovery from addiction. I used and the got abused by the very drugs that I thought would ease my pain. One time in particular stands out in my mind today.

In 2009 I was suffering from severe pain in my right leg. Instead of going to a doctor to find out what the hell was wrong, I chose to try to medicate away the pain. This went on for about a month all the while the pain is steadily getting worse.

I need to tell you that while I was in pain, I couldn’t stand on my leg. I had to keep it elevated off the ground. Yet I still did not seek medical help. Finally when the pain became too much to bear, I went to the emergency room. There wasn’t much they could do so they gave me a referal to see a vascular specialist the next day.

Of course I went home and used but I did go the next day. After I went to pick up my check. So the specialist puts this goo on my leg and use a hand held sonar type thing. Just like they do for women when they are checking a fetus. They tell me to get dressed and wait. So I do.

Next thing I know they are rolling in a gurney telling me to lay down we have to admit you. I ask why and the doctor comes in and says “You have a blood clot in your leg and it’s possible that it could break free and travel to you lungs and kill you.

You would think that after hearing what the doctor said that I would’ve been terrified. The only thing I could think about was Damn now I can’t get high. I gotta be stuck here in this fucking hospital. I know, I know. Crazy right. But that’s not the half of it.

So after they wheel me down to the emergency room I speak to another doctor and he tells me how serious this is and they want all my insurance and other info. So now I am really getting antsy. So I began to tell this doctor that before I am admitted that I need to go get my kids from school and have someone watch them. He said ok but please make sure you come back.
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To make a long story short. I left the hospital went to cop some crack, packed a little bag and went back to the hospital. What about the kids you ask.. Oh I forgot..I don’t have any kids. It was all bullshit just so I could use. I spent that night smoking crack in the hospital. A week later I was released only to continue on my road to madness.

I was so locked and loaded, caught up in the grips of the insanity of my addiction. That I didn’t even care that the blood clot could’ve killed me, either on the way to get drugs or when I was using them while in the hospital. It didn’t even cross my mind.

My addiction took me to many different places. None of them good. I just wanted to die and tried in more ways than one.

Thank you for allowing me to share some of my insanity. I appreciate all of you who read my blog, comment and for everyone’s support and encouraging words. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

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DRUG DREAMS

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Last night I had a dream that was so real that I woke up terrified that I had used. I haven’t had a drug dream in quite some time and I was a bit shook by it.

Every once in a while during the day I might have a flashback but the dreams stopped a few months ago. I am constantly reminded of my active addiction at work. There are more than a few addicts who work for my company. I can relate to them of course because not to many 24’s ago that was me. So I am reminded and have the occasional flashback.

I know that the dream was just that..A dream. It is not my reality today. I have no desire to return to that part of my life. I did not entertain the thoughts. I did not go back to sleep and continue to dream about using. I shared the experience with some of network and I feel better knowing that those dreams don’t have to come true.

I put it out there and let it go. I have no intentions to keep them secret nor do I have to be embarrassed about having them. I am human and I have used for almost 40 years. For me to think that because I am clean I shouldn’t have drug dreams is ridiculous.

Secrets keep me sick.
I reveal them so they can die in the light of exposure.

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Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease