I have been constantly reminding myself of this lately.
My mind keeps jumping back to old behavior mode and old attitudes are proving to die harder than I originally thought. I find myself wanting to resort to some of my old methods of handling situations. I am not talking about using substances to solve anything, I am referring to street tactics and antics. I have been sharing about my feelings with anyone who will listen. I have been struggling in the area of letting go. I know that it takes practice so I am not beating myself up.
I really need to get with someone and find out how to let go and not take it back. How to release the need to still try to control situations and manipulate outcomes. How do I kick these thoughts to the curb and not go back and pick them up later. Staying focused lately has been hard and it has been affecting my overall attitude. My spirit is feeling uneasy and I have been really irritable. It has been showing in more ways than I care to mention. I need a break from my own madness, a vacation from my thoughts. I have been sharing that I need to plug back in. I do not wish to be like the animal who gets cut from the herd on to be eaten alive by the savage beast.
Been there. Done that.
I know that doing the same things expecting different results is the meaning of insanity. It’s crazy how the things I am learning, I am relearning over and over again in different situations and scenarios. In the beginning my insanity was using drugs and thinking this time will be different. Now my insanity is taking on a new meaning it has taken a different form but the outcomes are similar in the pain it is causing. I am becoming more and more aware of myself. I am also becoming more aware that certain things that I used to do are no longer acceptable to me.. Because if they were I would have acted off the impulses already. I am fighting a war and the battle ground is between my ears.
I am grateful for the process of recovery for it is teaching me how to say NO. It is teaching me to be honest about my feelings and my thoughts. It is teaching me that it’s ok to talk about my feelings and not to worry about what others think or say about me. It is teaching me that I have to be responsible for my recovery and for my actions. How to show up for people and to ask for help when I need it.
I am grateful to have found a place where there are so many people just like me.
I know that my old ways do not work. My old ways got me a whole lot of pain, misery and suffering. To think that anything has changed or that I can do it different this time would be me believing the lies of my addictive thoughts and will prove once again to be a suicide mission. I do not wish to try to kill myself again. Not today not ever. I will continue to seek the help I need to get through this without taking any shortcuts.
My old ways will not open any new doors. They will only open jail cells or a casket.
Peace and Blessings
Last night I had a dream that was so real that I woke up terrified that I had used. I haven’t had a drug dream in quite some time and I was a bit shook by it.
Every once in a while during the day I might have a flashback but the dreams stopped a few months ago. I am constantly reminded of my active addiction at work. There are more than a few addicts who work for my company. I can relate to them of course because not to many 24’s ago that was me. So I am reminded and have the occasional flashback.
I know that the dream was just that..A dream. It is not my reality today. I have no desire to return to that part of my life. I did not entertain the thoughts. I did not go back to sleep and continue to dream about using. I shared the experience with some of network and I feel better knowing that those dreams don’t have to come true.
I put it out there and let it go. I have no intentions to keep them secret nor do I have to be embarrassed about having them. I am human and I have used for almost 40 years. For me to think that because I am clean I shouldn’t have drug dreams is ridiculous.
Secrets keep me sick.
I reveal them so they can die in the light of exposure.
Peace and Blessings
I spent a lot of years wondering what was my purpose in life. I think I have finally got a clue.
I remember when I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor. A dentist to be exact. I had a friend who’s father was a dentist and they had a very nice house and a lot of money. I thought that would be me. As time went on I think I changed my mind so many times that I just gave up on dreaming of what I would become. When I started using all bets were off. All my hopes and dreams were smashed and discarded. I had lost all hope.
As a adult I knew that I was destined to be more than a bum. More than some washed up drug addict but I didn’t know how to go about getting out of the mess I made of my life. With thoughts of using clouding my every waking minute I had again lost all hope. I settled for where i was and believed that it was where I would stay until I died. I couldn’t stop using and had no idea that there where people out there that felt the same way i did, but found a way out.
I was blessed to have been spared death and to have found a new way to live. I was lucky, so many of my friends didn’t make it out. I think to myself at times and wonder why was I spared. What is so damn special about me that I was able to make it out of the depths of the hell in which I lived. Why me? I am learning that I should be grateful and not question why. I should just learn from my experiences and share with others what I have learned in hopes that I may be a light for those who are still suffering in silence in the darkness of active addiction.
I am thankful that I am able to share my story with others and I only hope that through my experiences someone can make a connection, have some identification and get some hope that they too can make it out of the darkness. I know how they are feeling because I too have felt that way. I have lived that life, I have given up on ever finding a way out. I know exactly how they feel because I am and will always be an addict.
The difference is I am a addict in recovery. I am practicing a new way of life that has offered me the opportunity to help others. The same way others have helped me.
My purpose today is to give it away.
Peace and Blessings
I remember growing up and always feeling less than. I grew up in a family that was not rich but not considered poor. When my parents split, my mother struggled to get by. I wanted things. I always looked at myself as poor because I didn’t have the things others had. I didn’t have the clothes, sneakers, money. All those external things that I thought would make me happy. I realize today that I blamed my Mother for years for my troubles and for eventually abandoning me.
I never looked at the part I played in her decision to send me to live with my father.
My feelings didn’t change much when I moved with my Father either. I still wanted things, I was still trying to fill a void with stuff. I didn’t realize then that I would never be satisfied. That dressing up the outside and having stuff was not the answer to what was ailing me. So I began to blame him too. I would place the blame on several other people to as the years went by.
It was always something or someone elses fault. It was this false belief system that kept nagging at me and helping to fuel my feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and uselessness. It was my thinking that was destroying me from the inside out.
I didn’t understand then what I am learning now in recovery. By doing some work on myself I am able to recognize the part that I played then and am playing today. I am learning how to identify feelings and express myself in a healthy manner. I am not who others say I am. I am not useless, hopeless or worthless. I am not how I dress or how much money I have.
I do not have to impress anyone or be better than anyone other than the person I was yesterday. Healing myself begins and ends with me. I am responsible for my recovery, happiness, health, wellness, spiritual condition, struggles or lack there of. I am responsible for me.
I know that its a inside job.
Peace and Blessings