SELF ACCEPTANCE

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The lack of self acceptance is a problem for many addicts. Many of the problems we experience in ongoing recovery stem from an inability to accept ourselves on a deep level.
FROM IP#19 SELF ACCEPTANCE.

BACK IN THE DAYS.

Accepting myself for who I am is a major issue for me. I have used drugs for a very long time and never accepted myself. But this goes back even before I ever picked up that first drink over 35 years ago. Growing up as a kid in Brooklyn I didn’t like who I was. I was a skinny, scared little kid. I was picked on by people because I was poor, skinny and had big eyes. I always felt like an outsider, I was constantly picked on and I hated it.

I hated certain parts of my childhood. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t like me so I cried a lot. I always wished I was someone else (anyone else) so I pretended to be anyone but me. As time went on I got introduced to alcohol and I noticed it gave me confidence (or so I thought back then) and that was the beginning of the road to destruction. I drank everyday.

FALSE IMAGE

Needless to say I became a monster. I became a bully instead of the victim. I became a vicious little kid and as time went on I moved on to harder drugs, crime and eventually prison. I though I was the man. I always put up this false image of  myself to fit in with whatever crowd I wanted to be a part of. I did things so people would like me. Ultimately drinking and drugging became my secret weapon. It made me popular. This went on for years and now as an adult I find myself lost, without and identity to call my own. I  feel like I have no purpose, like I’m just existing. I struggle with who I am and what I stand for and that’s when I start to get Irritated, judgemental of myself, depressed, confused and angry. ALL TRIGGERS FOR ME. I start telling myself the lies you know the lies, drugs will make me feel better or I am a failure anyway so lets go smoke something. etc, etc. Then the next thing you know sticking true to my nature I eventually relapse. I have been rejecting myself for years. I am unable to accept myself as anything other than a failure and not worthy of anything good. I am that little kid again. I  know self rejection all to well and I also know about being rejected by others. I used to push people away before they could reject me, so I would feel like I rejected them first. Insanity is alive and well aint it..lol

SLOW DOWN

I am aware of these things today. I know that change will not happen over night and it is a process. I am willing to give myself a chance. I want to get better. I want to learn to love myself and I know that I will as long as I don’t give up on myself and pick up. So I am doing some real work on myself this time. I am getting in touch with my inner self and with my new found faith. I am chipping away at the years of self neglect, self rejection, self loathing, self pity and selfishness and with the help of my higher power GOD, my sponsor, my home group and my network of recovering addicts, the basic text, the 12 steps and all the literature I have faith that I will begin to make some progress. As I stated before this is a process that will take some time. It is scary to think about sometimes but it must be done. I will not rush this process and get frustrated because I think I am not seeing results. I will take this one day at a time. One minute at a time if I have to. I will give myself a break and stop being so hard on myself.

Afterall I am a very nice person.  : )

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
Please feel free to comment below.  Thanks again and have a great day.

Peace and blessings.

 

Eric Ease

 

 

I AM NOT AN OPTION OR A AFTER THOUGHT. I AM MAIN MATERIAL!

I have been searching for love and validation from anyone that would give it to me for like the last year. I have been allowing people to treat me as a after thought, an option and even a late night call. Searching to fill a void. A void that no one can fill but me. Being a people pleaser and a yes man. Dumbing myself down just to be around someone. That’s no different than doing shit just to fit in when I was using drugs. My spiritual condition has been stagnant because I refuse to lean on my Higher Power to fill the void. I allow my disease to tell me the loneliness and emptiness will never go away and in turn allow that to dictate my actions. I feel like I am still acting out on old behaviors. I am still suffering in silence because I refuse to share with anyone how I feel. My ego and image are still in play and I am slowly killing myself. The pain that I am causing myself is unnecessary and can easily be eradicated. But I am struggling with exposing my weaknesses because I worry too damn much about how people will look at me, and who will use it against me. It’s sad but it’s true and I know it is because I witness people do it all the time.

These behaviors are causing me grief and I struggle with letting go. I don’t know how to let go. I am holding onto resentments and anger is eating away at my soul. Its easy for people to tell you shit like let go and let God. I don’t want to hear that shit. I want to hear how to let go and let God. I want to know How the fuck do I do it. Quoting the Basic Text and Slogans when I am in pain does nothing to help me when I am in the middle of a war that is going on inside my head. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels but I am not gaining any traction. I am far from stupid and I know what needs to be done. I’ve been given the answer over and over again. It’s time to make use of the suggestions and slow down. Stop moving so damn fast and then wondering how the hell did I get here again. Focus on what needs to be done and that’s work on myself and expose those negative demons that are trying to ruin my Happiness. Stop rushing into things and keep it simple. Stop over complicating my life. In reality I am not that lonely I have plenty of people who are here for me. I have plenty of people I can talk to and go to in the clutch. I need to start utilizing my network.

I need to remember that when my disease starts to talk to me and make me feel like less than the true great king that I am.
I am nobody’s #2. Option or after
thought.
That’s all bullshit and tell my disease to kick rocks.