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I have been a little down lately due to an overwhelming feeling of being stuck. I have been wanting to do something, anything but not knowing what to do has kept me from doing anything. I have been searching for what I want to do with my life lately and as you might remember I posted I have been coming up blank. My sponsor gave me a task a couple of weeks ago to write down some short-term and long-term goals. I have been procrastinating with completing, no with starting this task. (I have not written one single thing yet). I have not started yet for lack of direction, lack of a real focus on what my goals are.

My main goal for the last 2 years has just been to stay clean. Now that I have been able to maintain my recovery and have been doing some work on myself I am beginning to feel the need for something more. Of course staying clean will remain my goal and I will continue to have the same focus and energy towards that goal. The emptiness that I am feeling has nothing to do with missing drugs or wanting to use. Its more like ok now that I am clean what’s next. My life has been so empty for so long that I kind of gotten used to doing nothing, attempting nothing and that is just not acceptable any longer. I need to find things to do to fill this void, to occupy my time and my mind other than recovery. Not taking anything away from the gratitude that I feel towards my recovery process. I think it has more to do with growing than anything else.

I have not given much thought to anything that I would really like to do until I started feeling empty lately. I know this might sound a little crazy to some but for years I had no aspirations no dreams, no goals. I just laid back and let time go by. I never thought that I would be where I am today. I always thought I would die out there.  Being clean, learning to love myself and live a productive life has made me look at things differently. I want more of what this life has to offer. I know that I am capable of great things. I know that there is much more to this life than what I could ever imagine.

I just need to take those first steps. Now with that being said I can get to the exact nature. I have always let fear keep me from making moves in the right direction.

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It’s really funny when I think about it because when I was using I wasn’t afraid of too many things. I could do some dangerous shit all damn day long but when it comes to doing something positive to better myself I become apprehensive because of fear. I have been sharing about everything else now its time to get to the root of the problem and so I will be putting it out in the universe at my meetings and with my sponsor and network immediately so I can get the help with this that I need.

After all I can only get the help if I allow people to know what is wrong.



I remember saying.
I am not addicted.
I don’t have a problem.
I can stop any time I want to.
Then when I realized that I was addicted, that I did have a problem and I couldn’t stop using. I still had excuses. I’m not as bad as what’s his name. I will get help when the summers over, next week. Blah, blah, blah.

I was always waiting for the right time. For the right situation or circumstances. For someone to come and save me. For some miracle to happen to make me stop. Procrastination was my middle name. Backed by fear It was never the right time to do the right thing for the right reasons. So the longer I continued to put it off the longer I continued to suffer.

Fear still plays a part in my life in recovery. I still suffer from and struggle with procrastination. I know certain areas that I want to change and continue to put it off. I say I will work on it but I put forth minimal effort if any effort at all. Talk the talk but do not take the steps towards it.

So I expose it here and I expose it in meetings and with my network. The reason being it helps give me that extra push. I let others know so they can help me. Because if no one knows who I am and what my problem is then how can I get the help that I need.

Nobody can do it for me. I have to do it for myself. But I also realize that I need help. The wait is over and the time is now. I will reach out and be open to receive the help that I need.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease