Negative thoughts turn into negative actions.
Ever since I was a little boy I can remember having negative thoughts about myself and my surroundings. Seeds of failure and low self worth were planted and took hold at a early age. As the years went by those seeds grew and flourished.
When drugs entered the picture I was locked and loaded. I lost the ability to see anything good about myself. I would say things like I will never amount to anything so why bother. I am just plain bad, stupid, ugly. So forth and so on. I’m sure you get the picture.
Those negative affirmations dictated my path and lead me to a life of self destruction, self hate and self harm. I didn’t see a way out and proceeded to live life according to my beliefs. I didn’t understand that the words that I spoke to myself, was the fuel that was added to a fire that was already burning out of control.
I had no idea back then what positive affirmations were. I didn’t understand how important it is to speak positively to myself and about myself. I had to learn how to do that. I am practicing speaking positive things not only to myself but to others as well. I have to reprogram my thought process and practice backing it up with my actions.
For me this is a difficult task at times. I have been conditioned for so long to being negative and hard on myself. I had become accustom to failure and accepted it as if it was supposed to be that way.
I am not a failure. I am not my past.
Today with help. I am speaking and writing myself into a better way of life. I am beginning to see that there is light. Not at the end of the tunnel, but right here in the tunnel. I believe that I was lied to and in turn by believing those lies, I lied to myself. I gave up, surrendered without investigating and seeking the truth for myself.
Now that I am seeking the truth. I have uncovered that I am not all those things but something all together different. I am somebody. I am smart, handsome and worthy. There is nothing that I cannot do or become. I know this today as being fact. I have been living it to the best of my ability ever since it was suggested to me.
I believe that there is so much more to me and I will not rest until I see what I say come true.
Peace and Blessings
All my life I wanted to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Ever since I was a child I did not like who I was. I did not like my circumstances. I was too young to even know who I was, but I had it ingrained in my thoughts that I wasn’t good enough.
Those thoughts were not planted there by my parents either. Those were my own thoughts. Brought on by looking outside myself for acceptance. Brought on by judging my insides by other people’s outside appearances. Brought on by jealousy, envy, insecurities, low self worth and low self esteem.
Those thoughts and feelings led me to seek love and acceptance in all the wrong places. They fueled my desire to belong. To fit in with anyone that would accept me. Those thoughts and feelings betrayed me from the very beginning and continued to cloud my judgement for years.
I was a lost soul searching for an out. Creating false identities and living lies for so long. I became a casualty of my own low self worth and self hatred. Being that I never gave my true self a chance to develop. I wandered around in search of an identity that I thought people would like. People pleasing and acting against my will to fit in became my way of life.
Now 40+ years later I am beginning to unearth the truth. I am learning how to get in touch with who I am. Finding out my likes and dislikes. Cutting through a fog that is spread so thick that I am only scratching the surface. I can see that there are thousands of layers that I have yet to discover and uncover.
I am beginning to see myself as I truly am. Not as others would have me to be. I have acceptance of my circumstances, situations, abilities and of my defects, flaws and mistakes. I understand that today is the only day I need to focus on. Tomorrow I will practice acceptance all over again.
I fall short with acceptance on occasions and that’s ok. This is my process and it takes time.
I accept myself for who I am today.
I accept myself for who I can become tomorrow.
Peace and Blessings
Today I recognize and am thankful for those members who loved me when I was unable to love myself. Those members who believed in me and supported me when I kept relapsing. No matter how many times I went back out, they remained supportive and kept telling me to keep coming back.
It was that unconditional love that kept me hopeful. I remember the feeling of utter hopelessness that I had when I was struggling to stay clean. Each time that I relapsed I felt like I would never ever be able to stay clean. It was a very depressing time in my life.
I didn’t believe in myself, I struggled with believing in a higher power and I had very little faith. I received shots of hope from members of the fellowship that had been down this same road. Those members that knew from experience what it felt like to relapse. They knew what I was going through and when they shared their stories with me it gave me hope that I too could stay clean.
Eventually everything that they shared with me became a reality for me. I became sick and tired of using and I was able to surrender. I was able to admit my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life became crystal clear. I began to see the importance of meetings and sharing my feelings. Especially those feelings of wanting to use.
The longer I stayed the more I began to realize change was happening. My thinking was becoming a little clearer, my attitude was becoming more positive. I was becoming more hopeful and my behavior started to reflect that. My belief in a higher power was renewed and in turn my belief in myself began to grow.
I am for ever grateful that I was guided to and am being guided through this life saving process. Had it not been for the members of Narcotics Anonymous I would surely be in jail, some other institution. Or
I WOULD BE DEAD!
If you are reading this and you are struggling with staying clean. Just know that you can get clean and stay clean. Find those people that believe in you and want to help you in your process. Support is what got me through. If I can do it after using for almost 40 years so can you. I am here for you. Feel free to use the contact me link right here on my blog. I believe in you.
Recovery Is Possible.
Peace and Blessings