As I have the opportunity to take a look at how my life is beginning to take shape. I am thankful, grateful and truly blessed. I have been fortunate enough to have higher power at work in my life and I am no longer foolish enough to believe that I am the power that has controlled my destiny to this point. I do know that I was that foolish power that tried tragically to control my destiny in the past and paid a he’ll of a high price to continually live so low.
Today armed with the truth. My Truth. I am aware of my surroundings, I am beginning to make healthy and sound decisions. I am able to question things that don’t sit right with me, I am able to love the skin I am in. I appreciate things that, not too long ago I took for granted. I am experiencing things that not to long ago caused me fear and uncomfortability. I am walking through and not running from. I am practicing being a responsible person and not allowing my fears to keep me spinning my wheels in the same chapter. I did that for years.
I am a willing participant in my life today. I am no longer allowing life to pass me by. It’s a great feeling. It’s a wonderful journey so far and I can’t even imagine what the next chapters will have in store. I do know that as long as I continue to participate in my recovery and life in general. Things can only continue to get better. I know in life there are always obstacles and set backs but today the fear of that doesn’t stop me. In fact I know that no matter what happens, first off there is no excuse to give up and pick up and secondly nothing that happens to me today could ever be as bad as all the he’ll I put myself through in the past. What ever it is, it shall pass and I will survive it. 😨
As my journey continues I am so grateful for all the people that I have met along the way. Some are a major part of my story and together WE will also start our own journey. Others are on this journey in other capacities and yet and still others journey has ended and we have moved in separate directions. Every part played has taught me something valuable and no time is ever a total waste. I have learned to look for the lesson in the blessing. For this I am truly grateful.
I look forward to many years of experiencing what life has to offer. My next chapter will be starting in another state soon. I am both fearful and excited at the same time and the excitement outweighs the fear by a landslide margin. I know deep down inside that the time to start a new life and family is now. I’m so looking forward to it. Baby boy is growing up and moving out. Good bye NYC. It’s been great.
If you had asked me when I first started blogging back in 2011. If I thought that I could stay clean. The answer would have been a simple NO. I just wanted the pain to go away. I just wanted to be able to function normally but I wasn’t ready to stop using. I was still in denial about the connection between my using and all the pain, misery and suffering I was experiencing.
Today if you ask me that same question the answer will be a resounding YES. Without a doubt. I have come a long way since my first time coming into recovery. My mindset, my attitude and behaviors are much different today and I am so grateful.
I couldn’t stay clean 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours. I sure as he’ll didn’t see myself staying clean for 2 years but here I am with 22 months and 18 days clean. 43 days away from 2 years clean. Still crazy as he’ll but clean. I am getting better and I am not as bad as I once was. I know that change takes time and constant practice. I try not to beat myself up as much and as long as I stay I will learn to love myself even more and not be so critical of my every move, mistake and even every accomplishment.
I am right where I am. No better or worse off than I am supposed to be. I am proud of myself for making the decision to get clean and even more proud that I stayed. I know that it is devine intervention that brought me to recovery and that same devine intervention keeps me here. I still can’t believe it sometimes.
They said it gets greater later. I tell you this. It’s pretty damn great right now. Recovery is possible. I’m a believer.
I am realizing the power in letting go. But even with this knowledge I still find myself harboring ill feelings and resentments. Letting go is a learned process that takes practice and patience.
I have been allowing mistakes from my past to stunt my growth. I have been allowing the disappointments of trusting others in the past, to keep me from trusting people today. It also plays a major role in my reluctance to open up to people and allow them to get to know me.
I realized this weekend that I have a lot of friends online. I went to a picnic in Philadelphia and allowed myself to meet and great with them. I had the best time ever. It was amazing to finally meet people that I only had interactions with on Facebook.
It helped me to realize how damaging holding on to that mess has been. It also helped me to make a decision to not allow my past to continue to haunt me and allow life to pass me by.
I will not beat myself up for struggling to let go but I will allow myself to take a healthy risk. To assert myself in the areas that I struggle and just practice it to the best of my ability.
More will be revealed.
Peace and Blessings