OUT OF DARKNESS

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I have been feeling very ill lately. In the last 3 months I have been sick 3 maybe 4 times. That is 3 times too many. I have never and I mean NEVER. Been this sick that many times back to back. I would average 1 major cold a year.

If that.

I went to the doctors office had a consultation, did some blood work and have been given some antibiotics. After filling my prescription and sitting home reading the side effects that’s when it hit me. I was given a prescription a couple of months ago from another doctor and one of the possible side effects was lowers your immune system.

So I remember that I had gotten really sick just before Christmas and as a result I never finished taking the rest of the pills. My body has not been able to fight off a cold since. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why all of a sudden I kept getting sick. I kept asking myself what changed in the last 5-6 months and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I know it wasn’t from my new relationship (or was it) Hey. Don’t judge me. I’m an addict. Everything crosses my mind and yes even the worse thoughts imaginable don’t seem to far fetched when I stay in that playground too long. Anyway I know better and it was definitely not from my relationship.

It’s funny how you go to get help from the doctor for one problem and the medicine that I am prescribed causes more problems. I am grateful that I finally have some personal closure on the cause. I’m no doctor but with a little deductive reasoning I was able to narrow down the playing field. I am still awaiting blood results and when I go back I will tell the doctors what I’ve discovered.

I have to admit. I was beginning to think that something was seriously wrong and work myself into a addict induced frenzy of despair, doom and gloom. Thank goodness I am out of that darkness..

For now.

HEALTHY ME

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As I slowly approach a half century
(just about 3 months from now) I realized that I need to start thinking more about getting fit, eating right and staying healthy.

I will be the first to admit that I know nothing about living a healthy lifestyle. You are looking at a man that ate fast food 5 out of 7 days a week. Eats lots of snacks. I love cookies, cakes, chips and soda. I’ve smoked cigarettes the majority of my life and used and abused drugs for just as long.

Getting clean was the first step. Now as I approach 2 years clean in October 26th. It’s time to start the next phase. I remember saying that I would quit smoking when I reached 1 year clean. Procrastination kicked in and I pushed the date further and further back. Now a year later I am willing to give it another shot. I know that I must quit and that it is not easy. But I believe that I can do it. If I can stop using. I can do anything.

So I’ve set my quit date to be the same as my clean date.

I have joined a gym about a month ago and I have been able to maintain a steady attendance of 3 days a week.  I am proud of my commitment and I have lost 4 lbs so far. I feel better every time I go and I actually look forward to seeing myself without a beer belly and looking lean and cut. It’s a great energy booster and also helps with my self esteem.

Lastly eating healthy. I have stopped eating McDonald’s and other fast foods. I cut back on my snacking. The cookies will take a little weening off. Lol.  I have stopped drinking sodas and other sugary drinks and instead went and purchased a NutriBullet. I have been juicing for the last 2 weeks. I must admit. I like it. It tastes great and it’s healthy. I can’t beat that combination.

I have finally made moves toward this goal instead of the usual talking about it and not doing it. Procrastination has been one of my biggest defects and it feels good to put my words into action. I continue to pray for consistency and I have the willingness to do just that.

I will continue to post my progress or the lack of in future posts.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

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Independence Day of the United States, also referred to as Fourth of July or July Fourth in the U.S., is a federal holiday commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, by the Continental Congress declaring that the thirteen American colonies regarded themselves as a new nation, the United States of America, and no longer part of the British Empire.

Independence means many things to many people. The most important meaning for me is my independence from active addiction. Today I am experiencing a freedom that I have not known in my 49 years of existence. I truly appreciate the life that I have been afforded as a result of being in recovery. But I am not fooled by these good feelings into thinking that I am cured.

Freedom Isn’t Free

Many people have walked this path before me. Many are striving as a result of doing the work that is required to maintain their recovery. Many have died as a result of taking this new found freedom for granted.

As we celebrate our nations independence I am reminded of the havoc holidays can cause on a recovering person. I am reminded of the insanity of active addiction and the lies that can go through my mind. I am aware of myself and my surroundings today. I do not place myself and my recovery at risk.

I will take the necessary precautions to assure that I stay connected and that my recovery process continues to move forward. Using the tools I have at my disposal I cannot lose.

I wish everyone a
HAPPY, HEALTHY AND SAFE HOLIDAY WEEKEND.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

I AM WHAT I SAY I AM

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Negative thoughts turn into negative actions.

Ever since I was a little boy I can remember having negative thoughts about myself and my surroundings. Seeds of failure and low self worth were planted and took hold at a early age. As the years went by those seeds grew and flourished.

When drugs entered the picture I was locked and loaded. I lost the ability to see anything good about myself. I would say things like I will never amount to anything so why bother. I am just plain bad, stupid, ugly. So forth and so on. I’m sure you get the picture.

Those negative affirmations dictated my path and lead me to a life of self destruction, self hate and self harm. I didn’t see a way out and proceeded to live life according to my beliefs. I didn’t understand that the words that I spoke to myself, was the fuel that was added to a fire that was already burning out of control.

I had no idea back then what positive affirmations were. I didn’t understand how important it is to speak positively to myself and about myself. I had to learn how to do that. I am practicing speaking positive things not only to myself but to others as well. I have to reprogram my thought process and practice backing it up with my actions.

For me this is a difficult task at times. I have been conditioned for so long to being negative and hard on myself. I had become accustom to failure and accepted it as if it was supposed to be that way.

I am not a failure. I am not my past.

Today with help. I am speaking and writing myself into a better way of life. I am beginning to see that there is light. Not at the end of the tunnel, but right here in the tunnel. I believe that I was lied to and in turn by believing those lies, I lied to myself. I gave up, surrendered without investigating and seeking the truth for myself.

Now that I am seeking the truth. I have uncovered that I am not all those things but something all together different. I am somebody. I am smart, handsome and worthy. There is nothing that I cannot do or become. I know this today as being fact. I have been living it to the best of my ability ever since it was suggested to me.

I believe that there is so much more to me and I will not rest until I see what I say come true.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

PRACTICING FORGIVENESS

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I have learned that holding on to past hurts is harmful to me. It stunts my growth process and keeps me from making any forward progress.

Letting go and forgiving past hurts was unheard of. I would hold a grudge and have resentments and anger towards people for years. I used to be a very spiteful person and could lay and wait for the opportune time to extract my revenge.

I understand today how damaging that behavior is. That still doesn’t mean that I have mastered forgiveness. I have not. But today I am practicing forgiving others because I know that I too need forgiveness. It’s easier said than done, but I have the willingness to practice it and I will eventually be better at accepting it for what it is and it’s intended purpose.

Learning how to forgive takes time but so far I have noticed that I am feeling a lot lighter. Less stressed and angry as a result. This is all new territory for me but being honest about it, having the willingness and open mindedness to attempt it has proven to be very helpful in my growing process.

And for that I am truly grateful.

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Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

SELF ACCEPTANCE

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All my life I wanted to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Ever since I was a child I did not like who I was. I did not like my circumstances. I was too young to even know who I was, but I had it ingrained in my thoughts that I wasn’t good enough.

Those thoughts were not planted there by my parents either. Those were my own thoughts. Brought on by looking outside myself for acceptance. Brought on by judging my insides by other people’s outside appearances. Brought on by jealousy, envy, insecurities, low self worth and low self esteem.

Those thoughts and feelings led me to seek love and acceptance in all the wrong places. They fueled my desire to belong. To fit in with anyone that would accept me. Those thoughts and feelings betrayed me from the very beginning and continued to cloud my judgement for years.

I was a lost soul searching for an out. Creating false identities and living lies for so long. I became a casualty of my own low self worth and self hatred. Being that I never gave my true self a chance to develop. I wandered around in search of an identity that I thought people would like. People pleasing and acting against my will to fit in became my way of life.

Now 40+ years later I am beginning to unearth the truth. I am learning how to get in touch with who I am. Finding out my likes and dislikes. Cutting through a fog that is spread so thick that I am only scratching the surface. I can see that there are thousands of layers that I have yet to discover and uncover.

I am beginning to see myself as I truly am. Not as others would have me to be. I have acceptance of my circumstances, situations, abilities and of my defects, flaws and mistakes. I understand that today is the only day I need to focus on. Tomorrow I will practice acceptance all over again.

I fall short  with acceptance on occasions and that’s ok. This is my process and it takes time.

I accept myself for who I am today.
I accept myself for who I can become tomorrow.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW.

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I have been constantly reminding myself of this lately.

My mind keeps jumping back to old behavior mode and old attitudes are proving to die harder than I originally thought. I find myself wanting to resort to some of my old methods of handling situations. I am not talking about using substances to solve anything, I am referring to street tactics and antics. I have been sharing about my feelings with anyone who will listen. I have been struggling in the area of letting go. I know that it takes practice so I am not beating myself up.

I really need to get with someone and find out how to let go and not take it back. How to release the need to still try to control situations and manipulate outcomes. How do I kick these thoughts to the curb and not go back and pick them up later. Staying focused lately has been hard and it has been affecting my overall attitude. My spirit is feeling uneasy and I have been really irritable. It has been showing in more ways than I care to mention. I need a break from my own madness, a vacation from my thoughts. I have been sharing that I need to plug back in. I do not wish to be like the animal who gets cut from the herd on to be eaten alive by the savage beast.

Been there. Done that.

I know that doing the same things expecting different results is the meaning of insanity. It’s crazy how the things I am learning, I am relearning over and over again in different situations and scenarios. In the beginning my insanity was using drugs and thinking this time will be different. Now my insanity is taking on a new meaning it has taken a different form but the outcomes are similar in the pain it is causing. I am becoming more and more aware of myself. I am also becoming more aware that certain things that I used to do are no longer acceptable to me.. Because if they were I would have acted off the impulses already. I am fighting a war and the battle ground is between my ears.

I am grateful for the process of recovery for it is teaching me how to say NO. It is teaching me to be honest about my feelings and my thoughts. It is teaching me that it’s ok to talk about my feelings and not to worry about what others think or say about me. It is teaching me that I have to be responsible for my recovery and for my actions. How to show up for people and to ask for help when I need it.

I am grateful to have found a place where there are so many people just like me.

I know that my old ways do not work. My old ways got me a whole lot of pain, misery and suffering. To think that anything has changed or that I can do it different this time would be me believing the lies of my addictive thoughts and will prove once again to be a suicide mission. I do not wish to try to kill myself again. Not today not ever. I will continue to seek the help I need to get through this without taking any shortcuts.

My old ways will not open any new doors. They will only open jail cells or a casket.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

DRUG DREAMS

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Last night I had a dream that was so real that I woke up terrified that I had used. I haven’t had a drug dream in quite some time and I was a bit shook by it.

Every once in a while during the day I might have a flashback but the dreams stopped a few months ago. I am constantly reminded of my active addiction at work. There are more than a few addicts who work for my company. I can relate to them of course because not to many 24’s ago that was me. So I am reminded and have the occasional flashback.

I know that the dream was just that..A dream. It is not my reality today. I have no desire to return to that part of my life. I did not entertain the thoughts. I did not go back to sleep and continue to dream about using. I shared the experience with some of network and I feel better knowing that those dreams don’t have to come true.

I put it out there and let it go. I have no intentions to keep them secret nor do I have to be embarrassed about having them. I am human and I have used for almost 40 years. For me to think that because I am clean I shouldn’t have drug dreams is ridiculous.

Secrets keep me sick.
I reveal them so they can die in the light of exposure.

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Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

GIVE IT AWAY

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I spent a lot of years wondering what was my purpose in life. I think I have finally got a clue.

I remember when I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor. A dentist to be exact. I had a friend who’s father was a dentist and they had a very nice house and a lot of money. I thought that would be  me. As time went on I think I changed my mind so many times that I just gave up on dreaming of what I would become. When I started using all bets were off. All my hopes and dreams were smashed and discarded. I had lost all hope.

As a adult I knew that I was destined to be more than a bum. More than some washed up drug addict but I didn’t know how to go about getting out of the mess I made of my life. With thoughts of using clouding my every waking minute I had again lost all hope. I settled for where i was and believed that it was where I would stay until I died. I couldn’t stop using and had no idea that there where people out there that felt the same way i did, but found a way out.

I was blessed to have been spared death and to have found a new way to live. I was lucky, so many of my friends didn’t make it out. I think to myself at times and wonder why was I spared. What is so damn special about me that I was able to make it out of the depths of the hell in which I lived. Why me? I am learning that I should be grateful and not question why. I should just learn from my experiences and share with others what I have learned in hopes that I may be a light for those who are still suffering in silence in the darkness of active addiction.

I am thankful that I am able to share my story with others and I only hope that through my experiences someone can make a connection, have some identification and get some hope that they too can make it out of the darkness. I know how they are feeling because I too have felt that way. I have lived that life, I have given up on ever finding a way out. I know exactly how they feel because I am and will always be an addict.

The difference is I am a addict in recovery. I am practicing a new way of life that has offered me the opportunity to help others. The same way others have helped me.

My purpose today is to give it away.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease