I have been blessed to have the opportunity to live life all over again. To have a fresh start at something that I have failed at miserably for many years. I never dreamed that this would be possible. I never thought that I would ever get out from under the horrors of my addiction. I gave up on ever having a normal life and settled for merely existing from day to day. My past life was a day to day struggle. In the end I was ready to give up. I wanted to quit living just like I quit everything else I ever started. I was beaten, broken and left in a state of utter despair.
That was then.
Today is a totally different story. I have a new found freedom. I have hope and I have faith that it can only get better. I know this to be true because I am actually living proof that it does get better. My life has gotten better and continues to get better every day that I stay clean. I used to say I would never be able to stop using. I am learning never say never. I am learning to look at the positive in a situation and not the negative as I always did in the past. I think the biggest thing for me was learning that no matter what I go through. I don’t ever have to use drugs again. I never have to ever again. I have a choice. I never felt like I had a choice before. Today I have the power to make healthy decisions. I don’t always make the right decisions. I still human and I make mistakes. But at least I am not making the same old mistakes.
Just when I thought that my life couldn’t get any better. My life changed completely. I no longer have to pretend to be something or someone I am not. For 40 years I have been an imposter, caught up in my own imaginary world. In the last 2 years I met someone I haven’t spoken to in a very long time. I’ve missed him and thought he was dead. We clicked. It was like de ja vu. I felt a familiarity. I met myself. It has been an amazing journey and I am grateful to know that I am still alive. It’s been way to long. Since finding my long lost self I have experienced a freedom like nothing I can easily describe. All I can say is…
I am free. Free to be me.