GIVE IT AWAY

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I spent a lot of years wondering what was my purpose in life. I think I have finally got a clue.

I remember when I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor. A dentist to be exact. I had a friend who’s father was a dentist and they had a very nice house and a lot of money. I thought that would be  me. As time went on I think I changed my mind so many times that I just gave up on dreaming of what I would become. When I started using all bets were off. All my hopes and dreams were smashed and discarded. I had lost all hope.

As a adult I knew that I was destined to be more than a bum. More than some washed up drug addict but I didn’t know how to go about getting out of the mess I made of my life. With thoughts of using clouding my every waking minute I had again lost all hope. I settled for where i was and believed that it was where I would stay until I died. I couldn’t stop using and had no idea that there where people out there that felt the same way i did, but found a way out.

I was blessed to have been spared death and to have found a new way to live. I was lucky, so many of my friends didn’t make it out. I think to myself at times and wonder why was I spared. What is so damn special about me that I was able to make it out of the depths of the hell in which I lived. Why me? I am learning that I should be grateful and not question why. I should just learn from my experiences and share with others what I have learned in hopes that I may be a light for those who are still suffering in silence in the darkness of active addiction.

I am thankful that I am able to share my story with others and I only hope that through my experiences someone can make a connection, have some identification and get some hope that they too can make it out of the darkness. I know how they are feeling because I too have felt that way. I have lived that life, I have given up on ever finding a way out. I know exactly how they feel because I am and will always be an addict.

The difference is I am a addict in recovery. I am practicing a new way of life that has offered me the opportunity to help others. The same way others have helped me.

My purpose today is to give it away.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

TAKING MY INVENTORY

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I am feeling a bit complacent lately. I have been procrastinating with continuing my 4th step inventory and I have been slacking in my meeting attendance.

Although I am feeling good about the past couple of days events. I know that this is a warning sign. I know all too well what happens when I get comfortable in not doing the work necessary to maintain my recovery.

I am not in any way saying that I want to use. I know from my past experiences though, that I don’t have to want to use, to use. Once I know. I cannot go back to not knowing. If I choose to ignore the signs then I am taking unhealthy and unnecessary risks with my health and well-being.

I woke up and decided to do something about it. I read my 4th step from my Basic Text and from It Works How and Why. I opened my Step working guide and I did some writing. I am currently working on resentments. I will also get my ass to a meeting today and make my meeting attendance a priority again.

I made a decision to not allow my recovery to become stagnant. I refuse to allow my addiction to take control again. I will continue to do whatever is necessary to keep my addiction arrested one day at a time.
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I know that if
I AM NOT WORKING ON MY RECOVERY. MY RELAPSE IS WORKING ON ME.

TODAY I CHOOSE MY RECOVERY.

RECONNECTING WITH FAMILY

For a long time I have been an outsider in my own family. I haven’t seen my Mother, brothers, aunt, cousins, grand cousins and great grand cousins for years. I  never felt like I belonged as a child and as a addict I really didn’t fit in. I have been estranged from them and told myself it was ok. That I am better off without them.

Since coming to recovery I have shared on several occasions about my family. How I miss them but I have learned to give them their space. Just because I am clean doesn’t mean that all of a sudden everything is fine. I caused a lot of damage in my active addiction. A lot of years of lies and pain. I have learned that they need time to heal. I have been giving them their time and been using that time to work on myself.

This past mother’s day I spoke to my Mom. That was the longest conversation we have had in years. Usually I am on and off the phone in a minute, 2 minutes tops. It was good to talk to her and not feel the guilt and shame through the phone. It was a very good conversation and she even asked me when I was coming to see her. I was shocked and happy at the same time. I told her I would stop by on Saturday.

Well today I went to see my mother and we had a great day. She was surprised to see how much weight I’ve gained (the last time she saw me I was smoked out). She was also surprised to hear that I finally got my drivers license and that I now have my own car.

So you know she had me driving her around. Lol.

It was a wonderful day and I am so grateful and thankful that I got to spend some time with her. I will continue to work on this bond and build it back up to where it should be. I thank my Higher Power and the fellowship. For all those people that told me to just hold on, that one day things will work out. I appreciate all of those who support me and show me love.

Lost dreams awaken.
New possibilities arise.

SHOW MYSELF SOME LOVE

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In your own life it’s important to know how spectacular you are.  You really have to look in the mirror and be kind.  Because what we see in the mirror is often what we see in the world.  Our disappointment in others often reflects our disappointment in ourselves.  Our acceptance of others often reflects our acceptance of ourselves.  Our ability to see potential in others often reflects our ability to see potential in ourselves.  Our patience with others often reflects our patience with ourselves.  You get the idea – you’ve got to show yourself some love first and foremost.

From
Marc and Angel Hack Life

CHANGE COMES FROM WITHIN

Looking back on the last couple of years I am grateful for my recovery process. I have made some major changes in the way that I live and I have grown as a result. In order for you to understand where I am today, I have to give you some background on where I have come from.

I started on my road to addiction back in 1978 I was 12 years old and I was already a alcoholic. I had my first drink somewhere around the age of 9 or 10 but It was in full swing by the time I reached 12. No matter how hard my mother tried I could not and would not stop drinking, I had to drink and all I wanted to do was drink. Needless to say drinking led to many problems and my drug use excalated to a variety of other illegal drugs. I used everything and anything and when it was gone I still wanted more. My life revolved around using and getting and using more. I had lost all hope and believed that I would die a addict.

obsession – the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea,image, desire, etc.                               compulsion – a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act,especially one that is irrational or contrary to one’s will.

I was suffering from obsession and compulsion long before my addiction to drinking but I didn’t know anything about obsession and compulsion back then. I only learned about it recently in recovery and it helped to explain a lot of things.

I was at a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I tried unsuccessfully many times to quit using and was ready to try anything. I came into recovery back in 2011 after using and abusing drugs for over 37 years. Although I knew that I needed help with my addiction I still chose to hang around people, places and things and as a result of that I continued to use. It took a few more whippings for me to finally understand that I could not use and win. That using was not the answer to anything and that If I continued to use, I would die.

I went in and out of recovery for a couple of years and then finally surrendered. I remembered thinking that surrender was for suckers. That I would never give up or be a quitter. That attitude almost killed me. Today I know different. I know that in order for me to win, I had to quit. I had to change in order to survive.

Change was new, different and scary. But it was oh so necessary. I did the same things over and over for the majority of my life. I suffered the consequences of that vicious cycle for years. The fear of trying something new kept me stuck in that cycle but something deep down inside me knew that I was at the end of my rope and if I didn’t do something different I would definetly die as a result of my drug use. I made myself a deal, I would try one last time and if it didn’t work then I would go away to a treatment facility so I could get a jump start on gathering some clean time. This time around it was different, I was different. I had a urgency to stay clean. I had the desire and the willingness to do whatever it took to stay away from drugs. I wanted what others in recovery had and so I had to do what others in recovery were doing.

I began by paying attention and participating in the meetings that I was attending. I took the suggestions of members who had substantial clean time and were working the program sucessfully. I began to notice before long that I was accumulating some clean time. I was finally able to string together more than 3 days. My attitude and behavior began to change and I was open to new things. I began to feel, act, talk and behave differently and as a result I began to think different. I began to feel comfortable around other people and no longer felt like a lonely outsider. I was a part of something and it felt great.

All my life I felt like I didn’t belong and now I finally found somewhere that I did belong. People welcomed me and actually wanted me to be around, They wanted to know how I was doing and really listened when I spoke. I kept coming back and I am still a part of. I changed the people, places and things and my life began to change. I am growing every day from the inside out. I am beginning to learn who the real me is, what I like, what I do not like. I am learning that no matter what happens in my daily life, there is no reason for me to use drugs. My life has done a complete 360 as a direct result of making some changes. I am still growing and learning and I will for the rest of my days. I am forever grateful for this amazing life saving process called recovery.

My name is Eric Ease. I am a grateful recovering addict. I have 18 months and 2 weeks and 3 days clean.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease