I remember how I used to let minor setbacks and obstacles deter me and stop me in my tracks. I would get so frustrated and perplexed. Literally bent out of shape by the smallest of things.
My lack of confidence and my inability to deal with problems as they arose became a stumbling block that I just couldn’t seem to get over. As time went on I refused to even try. I tried to avoid problems and proceeded to live life like I was walking on eggshells.
I would go around, over, under or back the other way. Trying to avoid dealing with problems became a full time job because in my active addiction problems were around every corner. It was exhausting, time consuming and hazardous to my overall health and well-being.
Eventually I became my biggest obstacle. I blocked my own blessings. I blocked my own growth, and blocked my self from progressing to bigger and better things. I allowed my fears, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, low self worth and despair to become a way of life. I accepted that as my fate. I gave up and settled for less than my best.
I thought that was how it was supposed to be. How my life was meant to turn out. Using and becoming addicted at an early age afforded me nothing but missed opportunities. I missed out on learning how to grow up and learning how to cope with life. I just tried to numb away my problems and pain.
Today thanks to the process of recovery I am over coming my biggest obstacle. Myself. I am learning so many things now that I should have already known. My thinking wants me to believe that I am stupid and tries to have me believe that it’s too late to change. I know better. I do not feel less than any longer because I am just now getting it. I feel grateful and thankful that I am alive to get it.
Obstacles are placed in my path every day. The difference is today It’s not me that’s the obstacle. Today I have the tools to get through them and I utilize them. I am moving forward towards bigger and better things and nothing can stop me now.
Peace and Blessings
This statement rings true in more ways than one. When I look back on my life. I can remember doubting my abilities and as a result dismissing dreams and ideas. I would talk myself out of just about everything and anything that I might have wanted to do.
As if it wasn’t bad enough. Allowing my doubts to dictate and kill my dreams, my fear of failure would finish off any remaining thoughts I would have of possibly accomplishing anything. Doubt and Fears go hand in hand and when my addiction was added to the mix. It accomplished the mission of making me believe that I could not do it.
What ever it was.
I am learning that my thoughts do not have to dictate my actions. My addiction (my thoughts) doesn’t want me to succeed at anything. I have allowed myself to believe that I didn’t measure up for years and it became second nature to kill my own dreams before they ever got off the ground. I became a failure simply because of lack of effort.
Deep down inside. I could hear a little voice screaming at me. What are you doing? You can do this man. But the voice was weak and somewhat defeated. It was being drowned out by all the noise inside my head. It was stifled by the screams of the full grown baby that was my addiction. That was the story of my life for years.
On the flipside there were times when I would attempt things. Whether it was taking a test, apply for a job or learning something new and I would ace it. I would do exceedingly well. So I started to feel a little confused. I was torn between the good and the bad and things just got even more ugly.
I felt like I had duel personalities for years. I always seemed to favor the bad. My addiction was out of control and I had lost all hope of ever becoming anything. I was a lost soul or so I believed.
That little voice kept me going. When I was alone and crying, feeling pitiful and desperate that little voice kept telling me to hold on. That things were going to change. That little glimmer of hope was my divine intervention. That glimpse of better days ahead eventually led me to recovery, to where I am today and will continue to lead me to where ever it is that I want to go tomorrow.
I am in a good space today. I am facing and conquering my fears. I am taking healthy risks and accomplishing my dreams. The same dreams that I believed I could not accomplish, and new dreams that I am allowing to surface and explore. I am growing, changing and expanding my horizons.
I truly believe that skies the limit. That there is nothing that I cannot do. I don’t doubt that for a minute. It’s incredible this journey of recovery. I would never have imagined I would be living like this. It just didn’t seem possible.
But here I am.
Peace and Blessings