OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW.

old ways

I have been constantly reminding myself of this lately.

My mind keeps jumping back to old behavior mode and old attitudes are proving to die harder than I originally thought. I find myself wanting to resort to some of my old methods of handling situations. I am not talking about using substances to solve anything, I am referring to street tactics and antics. I have been sharing about my feelings with anyone who will listen. I have been struggling in the area of letting go. I know that it takes practice so I am not beating myself up.

I really need to get with someone and find out how to let go and not take it back. How to release the need to still try to control situations and manipulate outcomes. How do I kick these thoughts to the curb and not go back and pick them up later. Staying focused lately has been hard and it has been affecting my overall attitude. My spirit is feeling uneasy and I have been really irritable. It has been showing in more ways than I care to mention. I need a break from my own madness, a vacation from my thoughts. I have been sharing that I need to plug back in. I do not wish to be like the animal who gets cut from the herd on to be eaten alive by the savage beast.

Been there. Done that.

I know that doing the same things expecting different results is the meaning of insanity. It’s crazy how the things I am learning, I am relearning over and over again in different situations and scenarios. In the beginning my insanity was using drugs and thinking this time will be different. Now my insanity is taking on a new meaning it has taken a different form but the outcomes are similar in the pain it is causing. I am becoming more and more aware of myself. I am also becoming more aware that certain things that I used to do are no longer acceptable to me.. Because if they were I would have acted off the impulses already. I am fighting a war and the battle ground is between my ears.

I am grateful for the process of recovery for it is teaching me how to say NO. It is teaching me to be honest about my feelings and my thoughts. It is teaching me that it’s ok to talk about my feelings and not to worry about what others think or say about me. It is teaching me that I have to be responsible for my recovery and for my actions. How to show up for people and to ask for help when I need it.

I am grateful to have found a place where there are so many people just like me.

I know that my old ways do not work. My old ways got me a whole lot of pain, misery and suffering. To think that anything has changed or that I can do it different this time would be me believing the lies of my addictive thoughts and will prove once again to be a suicide mission. I do not wish to try to kill myself again. Not today not ever. I will continue to seek the help I need to get through this without taking any shortcuts.

My old ways will not open any new doors. They will only open jail cells or a casket.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

Chatting Up Recovery with the Awesome Guys at KLĒN+SŌBR

Hello everyone check out this awesome podcast with my friend MagzShores@SoberCourage. Also check out her blog at
http://sobercourage.com

Sober Courage

I had a great opportunity to record a recovery podcast with Chris, Jeff and Matt over at KLĒN + SŌBR Since Right Now. We had an abundant discussion that included everything from dealing with social stigma, to talking to kids about alcohol/drug abuse, to surviving relapse, to alcoholism/addiction movies, and… even some far-fetched crazy ideas of how we are going to someday “retire.”

KlenANDSobr
I truly felt like I have known these guys for years, and I think that is because there is a unique connection that is shared between people in recovery. No matter who we are and where we come from, when it comes to the matters of alcoholism/addiction we can always relate to each other in some way. Thus the recording session was filled with lots of laughter in between some of the serious stuff, and I found myself nodding my head often. I am really grateful…

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THE RED LIGHT INDICATOR

COCKI

We all have heard what the Red Light Indicator is.

I have even experienced it first hand and the devastation it can cause if left unchecked. I know what it can do and has done in my life and I am grateful that today I can recognize it for what it is. I can also see it’s affects and the effect on those around me. It can be loud and boisterous or it can be subtle and sneaky. It comes at you when you least expect it and it stays with you and grows the longer you allow it to display itself. I believe everyone experiences it and some people love to display it.

I’m talking about COCKINESS.

The dictionary’s definition of cockiness is arrogant; pertly self-assertive; conceited:

In my experience being arrogant is a form of know it all-ness (stick with me people I am inventing words here. Lol)So let me share my experience in that department. I came to the fellowship broken, tired, desperate, lonely, with very low self esteem and practically no self worth. I need desperately to be there and was willing to do what ever it took so I could be a part of. I remember my beginnings well. I would sit in meetings and share like Shakespeare, I would help out where ever I was needed. I would listen intently to others who shared and always had time for the new comers. I made meetings everyday and several times on weekends when I didn’t have to work.

As time went by I started to learn some things and the fog was beginning to lift a little. I started feeling a little attractive and would allow complements to go to my head. I began to get COCKY. I began to feel like I GOT THIS. I began to run my own program. (arrogant) I started missing meetings because after all “I am getting better”, I stop calling my sponsor and reading literature because after all “I got this”. I started sitting in the back and talking in meetings because I’ve been here for 2 months “I know what I am doing”. I started dressing nice and became a little popular. (pert). I stopped listening to people who were telling me where I was heading because “they didn’t know what they were talking about”. I started comparing peoples stories and judging them. I started talking more to women and seeking feelings instead of working my program.

I fell right into the trap. I got big headed with very little time, 2 – 3 months away from drugs after using for over 35 years and I thought I knew everything. I was once again the GIANT OF MY DREAMS. (self-assertive) I forgot about the pain. I forgot about how I came in the fellowship broken. No that wasn’t me. Denial was still set deep in me. I hadn’t scratched the surface of my addiction but my addiction knew and kept feeding me stories to boost my ego. I knew I looked good right, I was back to my self centered ways, no longer caring about helping anyone but myself. (conceited). 

Well needless to say It all came crashing down around me. I went back to my old attitudes and behaviors quickly, I stopped making meetings and wanted to work all the time to make more money to look good. I was more concerned with how I looked and not dealing with how I felt. SMH. Life as I knew it changed at the drop of a dime from new and exciting to old and familiar. I was back on the block and using before I knew what hit me. I was too ashamed to come back to the fellowship so I continued my downward spiral until in desperation I finally thought to seek the help that I once knew.

Cockiness is a red light indicator and If left unchecked that shit will kill me! Period!

My story is not over by a long shot. I have always been one to learn the hard way and believe me I did. It took me several attempts to get to where I am now and I am still just scratching the surface. I do not take recovery for granted. I monitor my attitudes and behaviors on a daily basis. I give myself a check up from the neck up everyday because I know that its not hard for me to believe my own bullshit. I stick with the winners because they will tell me not what I want to hear but just what I need to hear. WE keep each other in check. I stay close to my network. They are the ones that will save my life when my ass is on fire.

I know that

IF I AM NOT WORKING ON MY RECOVERY, THEN MY RELAPSE IS WORKING ON ME.

CHECK IN SO YOU DON’T CHECK OUT.