I often ask myself this question. I have been thinking a lot lately about how much my life has changed. But I have also been thinking about how much my life is still the same.
I am grateful that I can share my experiences with the world but even more, I am grateful that I have experiences to share. I know that I am doing things today that I have only dreamed of and my life is amazing right now. I know that I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I am still a work in progress.
I understand that fact, but there’s this underlying feeling that occasionally eats at me. A feeling that is hard to describe in words but it’s a familiar feeling. It’s a feeling similar to that of failure. It’s a feeling that I know and then again don’t. I have the unfortunate disease of complication, uncertainty and fear. I have a disease that tells me that I am not enough and what I do is not enough. This disease wants me to believe that I do not deserve the blessings that I have received and it has me waiting for the impending doom that has always been associated with my life.
The thing is
I love the changes that have been happening in my life. The thing also is I am still operating on a one track mind frame. I on one hand welcome change but on the other become closed minded when that change, changes. When I am set on something I want it to come through, but when the variables change I balk. I become stuck and undecided. I become closed minded and find it difficult at times to snap out of it. That’s one of many of my character defects.
I know that it’s all in my head. It’s the result of years of drug abuse and not growing up and stuffing feelings and experiences that no sane person should ever have to endure. It’s from years of allowing fear to dictate my life. I also know that I have grown and am still growing and will face challenges.
So what’s the difference.
The difference is I am not who I was back then. I have changed. I have grown and will continue to do so. I will never give up, because the life I want is becoming a reality. It’s within grasp and is no longer my wildest dreams. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. I will have ups and I will have downs. I will not allow fear to have me feeling like I am not worthy. I am willing to work past those fears and character defects to get to my next level.
Progress not perfection.
Slow motion is better than no motion.