I have learned that holding on to past hurts is harmful to me. It stunts my growth process and keeps me from making any forward progress.
Letting go and forgiving past hurts was unheard of. I would hold a grudge and have resentments and anger towards people for years. I used to be a very spiteful person and could lay and wait for the opportune time to extract my revenge.
I understand today how damaging that behavior is. That still doesn’t mean that I have mastered forgiveness. I have not. But today I am practicing forgiving others because I know that I too need forgiveness. It’s easier said than done, but I have the willingness to practice it and I will eventually be better at accepting it for what it is and it’s intended purpose.
Learning how to forgive takes time but so far I have noticed that I am feeling a lot lighter. Less stressed and angry as a result. This is all new territory for me but being honest about it, having the willingness and open mindedness to attempt it has proven to be very helpful in my growing process.
And for that I am truly grateful.
Peace and Blessings
All my life I wanted to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Ever since I was a child I did not like who I was. I did not like my circumstances. I was too young to even know who I was, but I had it ingrained in my thoughts that I wasn’t good enough.
Those thoughts were not planted there by my parents either. Those were my own thoughts. Brought on by looking outside myself for acceptance. Brought on by judging my insides by other people’s outside appearances. Brought on by jealousy, envy, insecurities, low self worth and low self esteem.
Those thoughts and feelings led me to seek love and acceptance in all the wrong places. They fueled my desire to belong. To fit in with anyone that would accept me. Those thoughts and feelings betrayed me from the very beginning and continued to cloud my judgement for years.
I was a lost soul searching for an out. Creating false identities and living lies for so long. I became a casualty of my own low self worth and self hatred. Being that I never gave my true self a chance to develop. I wandered around in search of an identity that I thought people would like. People pleasing and acting against my will to fit in became my way of life.
Now 40+ years later I am beginning to unearth the truth. I am learning how to get in touch with who I am. Finding out my likes and dislikes. Cutting through a fog that is spread so thick that I am only scratching the surface. I can see that there are thousands of layers that I have yet to discover and uncover.
I am beginning to see myself as I truly am. Not as others would have me to be. I have acceptance of my circumstances, situations, abilities and of my defects, flaws and mistakes. I understand that today is the only day I need to focus on. Tomorrow I will practice acceptance all over again.
I fall short with acceptance on occasions and that’s ok. This is my process and it takes time.
I accept myself for who I am today.
I accept myself for who I can become tomorrow.
Peace and Blessings
I could never understand what being grateful even in a storm meant. I heard people say it’s easy to be grateful when everything is going good. But are you still as grateful when you are going through something.
It really takes faith and a strength not my own to be grateful when everything around me seems to be going to shit. On most days I can find something to be grateful for. Then there are those days that I find myself entertaining those negative thoughts.
Strength comes in many different forms. And can show up when I least expect it. I never thought of myself as having the strength needed to stay clean but surprised myself daily as I celebrated clean time. From 30 days, 1 year , 18 months. I began to realize that I did have the strength and I began to wonder where it came from.
I know that there’s a power at work in my life that is greater than I could ever be and is responsible for guiding me on this journey in recovery. Left to my own devices I don’t think I would’ve made it this far nor would I have the willingness to continue on.
I am grateful that I am learning how to trust in things that I have yet to see. Things that I can just feel inside. I truly believe that what I am experiencing right now is a spiritual awakening. I have a belief that everything will be alright. Even though it doesn’t look like there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Even though at times I cannot see it. I know that it’s there.
I am learning the consequences of my actions with this storm. I am learning to be responsible for my responsibilities. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow from it.
Peace and Blessings