Negative thoughts turn into negative actions.
Ever since I was a little boy I can remember having negative thoughts about myself and my surroundings. Seeds of failure and low self worth were planted and took hold at a early age. As the years went by those seeds grew and flourished.
When drugs entered the picture I was locked and loaded. I lost the ability to see anything good about myself. I would say things like I will never amount to anything so why bother. I am just plain bad, stupid, ugly. So forth and so on. I’m sure you get the picture.
Those negative affirmations dictated my path and lead me to a life of self destruction, self hate and self harm. I didn’t see a way out and proceeded to live life according to my beliefs. I didn’t understand that the words that I spoke to myself, was the fuel that was added to a fire that was already burning out of control.
I had no idea back then what positive affirmations were. I didn’t understand how important it is to speak positively to myself and about myself. I had to learn how to do that. I am practicing speaking positive things not only to myself but to others as well. I have to reprogram my thought process and practice backing it up with my actions.
For me this is a difficult task at times. I have been conditioned for so long to being negative and hard on myself. I had become accustom to failure and accepted it as if it was supposed to be that way.
I am not a failure. I am not my past.
Today with help. I am speaking and writing myself into a better way of life. I am beginning to see that there is light. Not at the end of the tunnel, but right here in the tunnel. I believe that I was lied to and in turn by believing those lies, I lied to myself. I gave up, surrendered without investigating and seeking the truth for myself.
Now that I am seeking the truth. I have uncovered that I am not all those things but something all together different. I am somebody. I am smart, handsome and worthy. There is nothing that I cannot do or become. I know this today as being fact. I have been living it to the best of my ability ever since it was suggested to me.
I believe that there is so much more to me and I will not rest until I see what I say come true.
Peace and Blessings
I have learned that holding on to past hurts is harmful to me. It stunts my growth process and keeps me from making any forward progress.
Letting go and forgiving past hurts was unheard of. I would hold a grudge and have resentments and anger towards people for years. I used to be a very spiteful person and could lay and wait for the opportune time to extract my revenge.
I understand today how damaging that behavior is. That still doesn’t mean that I have mastered forgiveness. I have not. But today I am practicing forgiving others because I know that I too need forgiveness. It’s easier said than done, but I have the willingness to practice it and I will eventually be better at accepting it for what it is and it’s intended purpose.
Learning how to forgive takes time but so far I have noticed that I am feeling a lot lighter. Less stressed and angry as a result. This is all new territory for me but being honest about it, having the willingness and open mindedness to attempt it has proven to be very helpful in my growing process.
And for that I am truly grateful.
Peace and Blessings
All my life I wanted to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Ever since I was a child I did not like who I was. I did not like my circumstances. I was too young to even know who I was, but I had it ingrained in my thoughts that I wasn’t good enough.
Those thoughts were not planted there by my parents either. Those were my own thoughts. Brought on by looking outside myself for acceptance. Brought on by judging my insides by other people’s outside appearances. Brought on by jealousy, envy, insecurities, low self worth and low self esteem.
Those thoughts and feelings led me to seek love and acceptance in all the wrong places. They fueled my desire to belong. To fit in with anyone that would accept me. Those thoughts and feelings betrayed me from the very beginning and continued to cloud my judgement for years.
I was a lost soul searching for an out. Creating false identities and living lies for so long. I became a casualty of my own low self worth and self hatred. Being that I never gave my true self a chance to develop. I wandered around in search of an identity that I thought people would like. People pleasing and acting against my will to fit in became my way of life.
Now 40+ years later I am beginning to unearth the truth. I am learning how to get in touch with who I am. Finding out my likes and dislikes. Cutting through a fog that is spread so thick that I am only scratching the surface. I can see that there are thousands of layers that I have yet to discover and uncover.
I am beginning to see myself as I truly am. Not as others would have me to be. I have acceptance of my circumstances, situations, abilities and of my defects, flaws and mistakes. I understand that today is the only day I need to focus on. Tomorrow I will practice acceptance all over again.
I fall short with acceptance on occasions and that’s ok. This is my process and it takes time.
I accept myself for who I am today.
I accept myself for who I can become tomorrow.
Peace and Blessings
Wow is all I can say. When I look at where I am today, compared to where I was just 2 short years ago.
For a long time everything looked gray. Life was bland, dull and meaningless. I was angry at the world for passing me by. I felt like I was dealt a bad hand and that the world owed me something. I was sure everything that has happened to me was someone else’s fault and I wanted someone to pay for all the misery I suffered through.
I wanted retribution.
Boy was I wrong. I was misguided and delusional. I placed my focus outward to solve my issues when all the while the answers were inside of me. I had no idea how to go about searching inside for relief. I couldn’t understand what that entailed. I had to humble myself and ask for help.
I’ve come to realize as a result that happiness is not something that I can obtain from people, places or from accumulating things. Happiness comes from inside and extends itself outward. Where I was once bitter at my life’s circumstances I am learning how to take the good and the bad and make due. I am learning how to make the best of what I have and am working with at any given moment.
Life is what I make it. I am who I am, I am no longer the victim, I am no longer the giant of my dreams. I am no longer who you want me to be, or who I think you want me to be. I am happy to be who I am at this moment.
I am beautiful and content to be in the skin that I am in.
Peace and Blessings