When I look back to where I was 3 years ago, I can’t help but be amazed. I am amazed because for 40 years before that I played it safe. I was afraid to venture out of my comfort zone. Believe it or not I was in a state of comfort in my active addiction. Yes it was a horrible existence, yes it was and I do not take addiction lightly nor downplay just how hard life was. Although my life was not my own and was ruled every waking moment by the obsession and compulsion to use. I knew what everyday brought. The pain and suffering I endured, I had become accustomed to. The regular routine of using and finding ways and means to get more was my main focus day in and day out. I knew what to expect, I knew what to do. Every day was the same, some days more painful than others but I had grown used to and settled for the life that I thought I would always live.
If I had known then, what I know now. I wouldn’t have stayed stuck in that never ending cycle.I would have found a way out a long time ago had I only taken a risk to believe enough in myself, taken a risk to believe in what others were telling me. Had I taken simple risk. The risk of trusting my gut feeling that I could live a better life if I only tried. The funny thing about taking risks is that I cannot think about it for too long. If I do I will think myself right out of doing it. Whatever it is. If I wait until the time is right, wait until I am better equipped, wait for this or that. I will never get anything done. Procrastination is one of my biggest character defects. It is one of my oldest, longest and most deadly character defects. Procrastination has killed more of my dreams, goals and ambitions than anything else in my life. It has kept me from achieving a better life for years because I always put off changing until I thought I would be better off. I would be able to handle it or I would just plain ole say. I will do it tomorrow.
Procrastination..It is born from and lives vicariously through fear.
Fear of one thing or another. Imaginary or real. True or False. Fear keeps me from extending myself to others. It keeps me from reaching my full potential and visualizing my goals and dreams. Fear can be a motivator but in my case it became a stumbling block. It became a devastating crutch worse than my addiction itself, because my addiction was a product of that fear. For years I told myself that I wasn’t good enough and that I did not deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve to have good things happen to me or for me. I told myself those lies for so long that I believed them. I believed them as if I had a stack of evidence to substantiate it. So believing that I wasn’t worthy of those things I did everything in my power to keep myself from experiencing those things. I did everything in my power to sabotage myself. Unwillingly and Unknowingly and Understandably so. I had lied to myself so often that my subconscious took over the job and held me to my own words. I didn’t even have to consciously downgrade myself, now it was built in and it did a fantastic job. It did exactly what it was meant to do. It served it’s purpose masterfully.
Being closed minded to anything new, better or different.
I proceeded to live my life stuck in a never ending cycle. Anger and resentments, isolation and degradation, despair and self destruction all took a front row seat. They took center stage and clapped when I fell deeper and deeper into the hole that I dug for myself. The person who was once a happy, smart, curious child was gone and this monster was in full swing. Only that side I thought was gone wasn’t. From time to time I could hear him crying out. This is not right. Help me please. But I was too weak to help him. I was too caught up in a self destructive will. I was too fearful, scared, confused and lonely. I was to ashamed to ask for help so I suffered in silence. I suffered for years a prisoner in my own body and mind. I was paralyzed by fear.
God’s will for me proved to be the turning point. For many years I cried out to God for help and for many years I refused to accept the help that my higher power kept providing me with. I let so many life boats, rafts, preservers and opportunities pass me by. I couldn’t see then that that’s what they were. I didn’t understand that those were the chances to break me out of the prison I had made for myself. I didn’t take advantage of those life saving moments. I always chose to return to the scene of the crime and start my cycle over and over again. In my darkest hour God came through once again. The difference is this time I was open to receive the help offered. I was finally ready to turn my life around. I thought I wanted out but by the grace of God and his mercy I realized that I wanted to live. I saw the light after years of seeing nothing but darkness. My mind has been opened to a new and exciting way of life. I stumbled a few times in the last 6 years and went back out to test the waters.
In 2013 all that changed and my life has been the best I have ever lived. I still go through ups and downs, but there are way more ups than there are downs. I have learned to sit my ass still, ask for help and be willing to accept the help when it comes. No matter how it comes. I have dark days. I am not and never will be cured of this affliction. I have taken many risks since. I have moved from New York to North Carolina.I took a risk and purchased a home in a state where I barely know 5 people. Lol. Wow. Who would have ever thought that this die hard Brooklyn Bully would ever leave. I sure didn’t. But I did it. I packed up and moved with my fiancee. Oh did I forget to tell you. I took another risk. I actually allowed someone to get closed enough to get to know me and we are getting married next year. Not only are we getting married but we are starting our own business together too. We are living a life that I never thought I would ever live. If you would have asked me 3 yrs ago where do you see yourself in 3 years. I would not have said any of those things. But yet here I am doing them. Living them. Enjoying them.
All I can say is Thank you.
I am grateful because the truth is…
I almost killed the wrong person and I could have missed all of this.
Recovery Is Possible.
Peace and Blessings.