BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

Failure-doesnt-mean-the-game-is-over-it-means-try-again-with-experience.

I have to admit. The old feelings of failure have been biting at my heels the last couple of weeks. The thoughts that I would never amount to anything and I am useless. worthless, stupid and a failure have been ringing in my head. I am reminded of my past constantly and I have been struggling with shaking those thoughts and feelings. I am sharing this with you because I need to. I need to share the good right along with the bad. I am human, far from perfect and I still struggle with those old thoughts and feelings at times.

I have a habit of always looking for the doom as some people would say, but I don’t see it that way. I have lived the doom all my life so I know a thing or two about it. I know that shit happens. I have caused shit to happen, (self sabotage) witnessed it happen and know for a fact what can happen. I don’t like to always think negatively but I do like to be prepared for it because it does happen. I am not sure if you can understand that. It has nothing to do with trying to always be positive or what you think will happen will happen. It has to do with not being naive, unrealistic or rocked to sleep because things are going well. When life is good and everything’s going my way I can forget sometimes that there will be bad days too. Murphy’s Law. Whatever could go wrong will go wrong.

Anyway. I am drifting off subject.

I have never been much of a risk taker. I lived pretty much in the comfort zone. Believe it or not I was comfortable in my misery in my addiction for a long time. I expected nothing and as a result I got just what I expected. In recovery however I am trying to live a different life and as a result I am taking risks, trying new things and making myself uncomfortable in the process in order to grow spiritually, mentally and physically. I am enjoying this new way of life and would not trade it for the world. I have accomplished many things in the last 3 years and 8 months that I have been clean. I owe it all to my higher power, the fellowship and a willingness to change.

With that being said I have attempted many new things in this time frame and not everything that I took a risk on paid off. I have stumbled many times. I have failed at some of the risks I have taken. I am learning how to deal with failure and not to look at it as a negative thing. I am learning to look at those attempts as a learning experience and not a complete failure. By doing this I have learned that it doesn’t mean that I should give up. It just means that the way I did it didn’t work out at that time. It allows me to have a choice. It allows me to go back to the drawing board and rethink my method, replan my attempt. It allows me to gather more information to add to the information I already have. I already know what didn’t work because I now have the experience from trying. Experience I would not otherwise have had if I did not take the risk in the first place.

WOW

This is mind blowing for me because I never looked at failing at something as a good thing or a learning experience. I used to just give up and be depressed, frustrated, angry and defeated. I would allow the negative self talk to talk me right out of trying it again or trying anything else for that matter. I would allow it to keep me stuck in my comfort zone slowing dying from the unsatisfied, unworthy, useless feelings. I have been in that rut for years. I no longer choose to live in my comfort zone of complacency. Today I choose to move forward with my life no matter what.

I have recently took a risk.

I was sick and tired of the work I was doing for quite some time. I was unhappy at work and it was spilling over into my personal life at home. It was affecting my spirit and I was feeling like I was drowning in my sorrows. I stayed on this job, in this field way past the expiration date and it was beginning to take it’s toll on my well being. I knew I had to do something and I had to do it quick. I decided to end my relationship with the company I worked for. I have been with them for 7 years and I felt it was time to part ways. I resigned and wrote the post – RETIRED FROM THE BALL AND CHAIN WAS SCARY. STARTING ANEW IS ALSO SCARY. BUT STAYING THE SAME IS THE SCARIEST.  That post was written 2 months ago.

It’s funny how time flies, but even funnier how some things remain the same. I am still very excited about becoming a real estate investor. I have been putting in a lot of work. Searching properties, learning how to contact owners, write contracts, make offers, deal with realtors, sending out direct mail campaigns, creating websites, posts, flyers and listing the company in online directories. I have learned a lot in the last 2 months since retiring from my 9 to 5. I am proud of myself for taking the risk to do something to make my life and my families life better. But with all my efforts and all the hard work I have still yet to buy my first property. I have hit more roadblocks and obstacles than I anticipated and as I stated in the beginning of this post. I am starting to doubt myself. I am starting to lose hope and I am starting to feel like the failure that my disease will have me think that I am. Now I know that these are just feelings. I know that better things are just around the corner. I know that if I give up now that I will be selling myself short. I know all this but that doesn’t mean that I do not feel the things that I am feeling. The difference is what I do about it. I could give up and allow the negative thoughts to once again dictate my life or I can dig deeper and strap in for the ride.

Although I have been struggling with getting my business off the ground. I refuse to throw in the towel. I realize that first of all. I have not been doing this for long. 2 months is not enough time to evaluate my success or failure in this business. Secondly I have to realize who is doing the talking, my addiction, those thoughts have always tried to sabotage my efforts and I always believed them. NOT TODAY. I am determined to succeed. So I will go back to the drawing board. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have gained and will use that to my advantage. I will start my day over as many times as I have to. I will shake as many trees, call as many sellers, knock on as many doors as necessary. I will keep the focus where it belongs on moving forward.

Nothing worth having comes over night. I will use my tools to get me through this. One day at a time.

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

 

 

GETTING OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE

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I have been trying to find what it is that I want to do lately as you all know. I have been running myself ragged thinking, thinking and more thinking but wasn’t putting forth any action.Then I had made a decision to focus more on my blog and start posting, reading and commenting more. Getting back to the basics of why I started my blog in the first place but also wanting to take it to new levels. I have been reading new blogs and posting comments, following new blogs and reaching out to other blogs that are not recovery oriented as well. I also have been promoting my blog on social media outlets and even inviting guest bloggers to submit articles about their own experiences in this wonderful journey of recovery.

I feel good because I said I wanted to do something and I focused on doing it and but forth the action required. I have been talking a lot about doing this or that but not putting the action behind my words and I was feeling a little stagnated. I was stuck in a old but familiar place. Comfortable in being in a safe place. A zone of taking no risks so I would not be  disappointed. Safe in the zone of fear of moving forward for fear of failure. That old attitude and behavior that kept me sick for so, so long. I thank my support system for all the encouragement and love that they have given me over the last 2 years. I would not be where I am today if I had continued to try to do this alone.

I know all to well what happens when I begin to feel that I should not try to do new things. The old thinking creeps back in and tries to convince me that I am not worthy of any of the gifts that await me and that I should not try to move on my ideas, dreams and goals because I will just fail and feel miserable all over again. Well to those thoughts I say

KICK ROCKS WITH FLIP FLOP

I am a different person today. I am not that same old scared to do anything person. Today I look forward to moving out of my comfort zone and although it is difficult at times I want something better for myself and I have to move in order to get it. If I stay stuck in yesteryear I will get those same stale results. I want fresh new results and I am determined to see them come to fruition.

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New beginnings.

I have a wonderful woman in my life today and she is truly amazing. She has the spark that I have been missing and I draw from her energy. She is her own woman and is very independent. (I Love That). My woman is starting a new journey and it really has been an eye opener. I watch her and the enthusiasm that she displays and it motivates me to want to do better. She’s smart, sexy, has determination and a vision. She has goals and she is not afraid to go after them. She is definitely a go getter. Boss Lady. I love her and I want to do whatever it takes to make our dreams a reality. I know that whatever we decide to do, wherever we decide to go we as a team can make anything happen. I look forward to having a partner to grow with and to build with. This is new territory and if I was to say it’s not a little scary I would be lying. But fear will not stand in the way of my happiness. Not today.

I truly believe that this is my time. I can feel it and for me to just sit back and watch it slip away again would be a tragedy and a waste of another perfect opportunity. I think I’ve done that enough in my lifetime. The time for action is now.

TIME TO TURN FEAR AND PROCRASTINATION INTO ACTION

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I have been a little down lately due to an overwhelming feeling of being stuck. I have been wanting to do something, anything but not knowing what to do has kept me from doing anything. I have been searching for what I want to do with my life lately and as you might remember I posted I have been coming up blank. My sponsor gave me a task a couple of weeks ago to write down some short-term and long-term goals. I have been procrastinating with completing, no with starting this task. (I have not written one single thing yet). I have not started yet for lack of direction, lack of a real focus on what my goals are.

My main goal for the last 2 years has just been to stay clean. Now that I have been able to maintain my recovery and have been doing some work on myself I am beginning to feel the need for something more. Of course staying clean will remain my goal and I will continue to have the same focus and energy towards that goal. The emptiness that I am feeling has nothing to do with missing drugs or wanting to use. Its more like ok now that I am clean what’s next. My life has been so empty for so long that I kind of gotten used to doing nothing, attempting nothing and that is just not acceptable any longer. I need to find things to do to fill this void, to occupy my time and my mind other than recovery. Not taking anything away from the gratitude that I feel towards my recovery process. I think it has more to do with growing than anything else.

I have not given much thought to anything that I would really like to do until I started feeling empty lately. I know this might sound a little crazy to some but for years I had no aspirations no dreams, no goals. I just laid back and let time go by. I never thought that I would be where I am today. I always thought I would die out there.  Being clean, learning to love myself and live a productive life has made me look at things differently. I want more of what this life has to offer. I know that I am capable of great things. I know that there is much more to this life than what I could ever imagine.

I just need to take those first steps. Now with that being said I can get to the exact nature. I have always let fear keep me from making moves in the right direction.

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It’s really funny when I think about it because when I was using I wasn’t afraid of too many things. I could do some dangerous shit all damn day long but when it comes to doing something positive to better myself I become apprehensive because of fear. I have been sharing about everything else now its time to get to the root of the problem and so I will be putting it out in the universe at my meetings and with my sponsor and network immediately so I can get the help with this that I need.

After all I can only get the help if I allow people to know what is wrong.