BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY

Good morning family.  I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful that I am clean.

I went to a meeting last night and got the medicine that I needed. I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t tell you that I wanted to use and the thought was at first keeping me from hearing the message the speaker was giving.  The topic was from the Just For Today and it was about seeing the big picture. As he continued to share the feeling of using went away and the hope began to take over and I am grateful that I was there.

After the meeting someone with substantial clean time (20+ years) approached me and said they heard me share about my relapse the other day and how my addiction was talking and how I actually believed all that bullshit that I was talking.  I couldn’t believe that he was saying this and started to get defensive.  I wanted to pop his top. I left feeling down and had a resentment toward this individual. I even thought about using. I mean why not a member with 20+ years just told me that what I shared was bullshit and he should know right?

Wrong!!!

That was my addiction trying me. Testing my faith and commitment to staying clean. The more I thought about it the more I knew what it was but that still didn’t explain why that individual said what he said. Then I thought about that day. I had shared that I just came back from a relapse and after the meeting he was NOT one of the many people who came to me and gave me encouragement and their number. In fact he didn’t say anything to me at all. So I asked myself why is he so bitter after having so much clean time.

I’ve come to realize what I have heard so many times in the rooms. 

CLEAN TIME DOES NOT EQUAL RECOVERY.

I prayed for him. I will work hard to remember where I came from and not to think just because I have many years clean that I am better than anyone else…especially a new comer.

I am grateful that God has given me another chance and I will continue to practice what I have learned so far. By practicing it I stayed clean last night. So thank you experienced member for judging my share. You have given me strength.

God thank you for all the blessings you have given me. I pray that I learn to not be judgemental of others as time goes on.

Thanks for letting me share.

Peace and blessings

Eric

WELCOME HOME

April 10, 2013

Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today and for guiding me back to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.

Wow is all I can say. I made my first meeting last night since being back and I am so happy that I did. I saw all the new friends that I made and was welcomed back. People were actually glad to see me. They all were wondering how I was and told me they missed me.

At first I debated whether or not to tell everyone because my addiction wanted me to be dishonest but I took the burning desire and let the group know that I relapsed. I had to tell on myself. I had to get honest and let my disease know that I am tired of living the lies and it felt great to do so. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

After the meeting fellowshiping outside with some of the members made me realize how much I missed my meetings and how important they are to my survival.  I am truly grateful that God guided me back to NA. It felt like I came home and I know that’s exactly what it is. I am home and must remember that. NA is my home now and I cannot survive without it. Making meetings has to and will once again become my priority.

I feel amazingly great this morning and I know that its God’s will for me to continue living the NA way of life. Thanks to God my higher power, NA and the people in the fellowship I once again feel the power to be able to do this. I will keep this feeling alive by continuing to stay connected.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

Peace and blessings.

Welcome Home

Eric

THE DR. RETURNS

I thank God for waking me and for his  protection while I was suffering through this relapse. I am truly grateful that he never allowed me to give up completely on myself.

Well its been a bumpy road back to the rooms and although I have not made a meeting yet I have made a decision to turn my life back around.  I have made this decision after reaching yet another bottom. I have reached the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

This weekend I put myself under house arrest. I made it a point not to have any money other than what I needed to buy some food for the weekend. I am not beating myself up or lying to myself any longer.  I accept responsibility for my actions this past month and I am no longer worrying about how everyone will view me when I do come back.

I know all to well that I cannot save my face and my ass at the same time. Right now my life is on the line so saving my ass is my priority. I come to realize that I cannot do this alone. I have tried unsuccessfully. Alone does not work.

I have compared the love I have received in the fellowship to the cut throatness of those that I was using with. I have always had trust issues and I allowed that to turn me away from the people who truly care and understand me. The people who I should associate with. The people in the fellowship of NA.

I now realize that my addiction had me thinking that no one really cared. That I couldn’t trust people in the fellowship just like I couldn’t trust people on the streets. I was wrong. Boy was I wrong.

I will practice the new way of life that I started in NA and I will try harder at being open to the possibility that people in the fellowship do have my back and my best interest at heart. I will practice being more honest and willing to follow the suggestions.

I am starting over and just for today I have 3 days clean. My new clean date is April 5, 2013. I am grateful to have made it back and thank God for his guidance in getting me back on track.

Today is a new day and its time to return to my new way of life.

Thank you all for your concern.

Peace and blessings.

Eric

FEEL THE LOVE

April 11, 2013

Good morning family.  I thank God for waking me today clean. I am feeling grateful today for being back amongst the living.

I went to my Wednesday night Brooklyn meeting last night and saw some more of my new friends who I’ve met in this wonderful fellowship of NA. I shared about my relapse after being welcomed back by so many. It was a wonderful feeling being able to share and get in touch with my feelings. I cried and felt even more of that heavy load being lifted off my shoulders.

Once again it felt like coming home and it makes me wonder how I could ever have left in the first place. I talked about my fears. One of which is letting people get close to me. I told them how this relapse was the most scary relapse I ever experienced and how cold people are now.  I cried the cry of gratitude for being back and I truly mean it. I am ever so grateful to be back with the people who really understand what I have been through and don’t judge me but embrace me and tell me its gonna be ok.

It amazes me how much love there is in Narcotics Anonymous and I know for a fact that I am right where I need to be. I feel like I have been given a new lease on life. I will be alright.  I believe that. I have never experienced love like this before and I will embrace it and take it all in until I can learn to love myself and others the same way.

I LOVE NA.

And as long as I follow this way I have nothing to fear. I will allow myself to learn how to live the NA WAY. I know it takes time and I will practice living and loving people the same way they love me.

This is my process,  my ups, my downs, my experiences, my blog, my life and I share it with you.

Thanks for letting me to share.

Peace and Blessings.

Eric
6 DAYS BACK

DR JEKYLL AND MR.HIGH

Good morning and God bless.

I thank God for waking me and allowing me to have another day to try to get my life back on track.

I know that addiction is cunning, baffling and insidious. I am living proof. I have been allowing myself to fall for the tricks for the majority of my life. Way back when I had no clue that I was a addict. Today knowing the little bit that I do know about addiction I can see the insidious, cunningness and it baffles me that I continue to consciously make the decision to return to active addiction for a full refund of my pain, misery and suffering.
There are 2 people inside my mind fighting for control over me and it drives me up the wall. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In the morning I am all set to make today the day I dont use and then gradually as rhe day goes on I change and I start to feel frustration set in and my addiction comes to me in that all to familiar whisper.

Before I know it that whisper becomes a full blown thought and then obsession. And then its the compulsion to continue using even though I know better. The fact that I have no money doesn’t matter, that I have to work in the morning doesn’t matter, that I am slowly committing suicide doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except getting that next one. The insanity has been refunded and I want out.

Dr. Jekyll no longer lives and Mr. High takes full control.  I can hear the Dr. but I cannot help him. I hear him but I cannot reach him. I want to help him and I know what to do to bring him back but being caught up in the grips I am unable to do so it is a sad and lonely place I am in right now.

More will be revealed.

Eric

LEARN HOW TO STOP RUNNING

Good morning and God bless. I always try to start my day by thanking God for his guidance and strength. I on the other hand don’t always listen for that guidance or use the strength and that causes unnecessary pain and suffering. I have to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that keep me running from myself. Lol Thats a funny statement RUNNING FROM MYSELF. It actually makes no sense because no matter where I go there I am. So why do I think that using is an escape.

Using is not the answer but it always seems to be the best solution until I actually use and all the pain is refunded immediately and THEN I realize what a bad decision it was. I have to work harder at realizing before no u have to work on not giving in to those thoughts and feelings because there were times that I realized it wasn’t a good idea and did it anyway.

I need help with sticking and staying. I need help with learning how to stop running. I need help with reaching out to people when I know I’m on that slippery slope. I need to start being that person who I only dream of being. That person who cares about others and practices living the principals of the NA program. I know he’s in there and I need to become him. He that is not the giant of my dreams, not the great I AM. No the other me. Humble servant of God and others.

I will start to practice getting through feelings without using one day at a time. I know that a better life awaits and if I can stop running and use the tools given to me so freely by others in the fellowship I know that I too can enjoy a life without the use of drugs. 

I want to thank all those who stood and still stand by me. I appreciate all that you do. Your patience, care and concern is teaching me how to live a unselfish life. I will freely give it back as it is given to me. That is a lesson I will never forget.

As my journey continues I will continue to share. It has been a difficult one so far but believe it or not I am getting better.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

Eric

GET OVER IT

Hello family. I hope by the time you are reading this you are fine and all is well in your life.

I thank God for another day. I am grateful to be able to share my life with you all. The ups and the downs of it. Every day is a challenge and I am hard pressed right now to get back on track. I have been struggling lately and as you already know its been a rough road to recovery for me.

I always try my best to keep it real here in my blog and on Facebook but there have been times when I just dont feel like sharing. Especially on Facebook. I’m in one of those times now. I will continue to post my lifes ups and downs here in my blog but no longer will I do that on Facebook.

I have found that social media site not to be the best place for me to keep it real. Too many lurkers. People who are not in recovery and only look to spread gossip and rumors. So that being said I am glad for the few who are subscribing to my blog. You will still be able to follow me on my journey.

Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before that. So in essence things are getting better one day at a time.

I still haven’t figured out why I hate myself so much. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Why I do not love myself enough to deny the urges to use. I thought I was working my program to the best of my ability and then BAM. Its like everything I accomplished went right out the window.

I have fallen and am having a difficult time getting up but I do know what was working so I do know what needs to be done. My problem is consistency. How do I maintain consistency even when I don’t feel like it. My disease plays on the fact that I have never stuck to any one thing for to long. I start off gun ho and then fizzle to a grinding halt. How do I change this character defect?

I know that change doesn’t happen over night, I also know change is uncomfortable and scary. I need to learn how to work through those uncomfortable feelings and keep moving forward.

I will return to the rooms of NA again.

This will be RECOVERY PART 4.

I will never give up. I don’t care what other people think or say about my continuing to return to the scene of the crime (my relapse). This is my story,  my process, my life.

I WILL RECOVER.

Eric

GET BACK UP..AGAIN

Hello all and God bless.

I always start my day by thanking my higher power God for waking me and pray for guidance.

I dont always follow that guidance and for that I wind up paying a price.

I have always had a issue with being consistent. Lets face it. I have not been consistent with anything except using. I have been a failure at many things and so far my attempt at staying clean is following that pattern. I am failing.

Once again I am sitting here after a relapse saying why me. Asking myself why I continue to return to the scene of the crime. Why do I go back to using when I know the end results will always be the same.

I know what I need to do to stay clean and my track record shows that I can do what needs to be done for a short time. I have a 3-4 month lasting period and then I start falling off. I do other things and stop making meetings. I know better but do it anyway and before I know it ive screwed up again.

I have been running from my feelings all my life. Although I have gotten a little better this time around I have still not gotten to where I can face anything and still recover. Fear is my worse enemy.

I will never stop trying. I will continue to practice what I have learned and work harder at facing my fears. I have a disease that wants me dead and I need to learn how to live and stop helping my disease carry out its mission.

I wanted to keep this a secret because I am embarrassed to admit that I have done it AGAIN.  But keeping this secret has only kept me using and will keep me sick. Today I want to be honest and expose this so maybe I can get the help I truly need.

Recovery is not as easy as I thought it would be or should be. But using is a lot harder. I am not the BIG I AM. I struggle and stumble and fall down. But I will get up. I refuse to stay down and let my disease win. I dont know how to live without drugs but I do know a place to go so I can learn.

I will go back to the rooms. At least there I know I will be around people who understand what I am going through.

Thank you to all who have shown me love and support and those who have not given up on me.

Eric

GRATITUDE

Hello everyone.
I hope that all is well in your world today. I thank God daily for all things in my life good, bad or indifferent. I try to practice finding the lesson in everything that happens to me instead of complaining, bitching and moaning. I am grateful because my life could be a  lot worse.

The last couple of weeks I have been training for a new position at work. Although I have more work to do and have not received any more money I remain grateful.  At first I was bitching, moaning and complaining Lol but after I took a look at it I became grateful and had to humble myself. I had to look at the good in the situation. I first off have a job. I am learning something new which makes me more valuable to the company because I can work in various departments and I will be able to work at different locations. I’m grateful for the opportunity to grow within the company.

All to often I would complain about things. Just about anything would do. I began to notice I had become a very bitter person. I was not happy with anything and always had something to say. Ungrateful, angry and bitter.

Coming to NA and learning to listen and take suggestions was not easy and there are times I still resist the process. I have God to thank for guiding me into recovery make no mistake about that. I have the predecessors including my sponsor to thank for teaching me what needs to be done. I have been working on my first step. I read the literature and I am making friends. My attitude has changed and I am willing to work on myself.

Since I have been here I have noticed a change starting to take place and it helps me to see when I am not living right. I feel uneasy when I do something thats not God’s will for me. I know I am growing and its scary but I am learning to face fear as a good thing because it teaches me a valuable lesson. Grow comes as I face my fears and get through them instead of running from them. I have learned so much in the past 4 months and look forward to learning so much more.

Today I will be going over some of Step 1 with my sponsor and I am excited.  I am grateful to be doing work on myself and for the guidance I receive from my sponsor and others in the fellowship. I can truly say that I feel great and I love it. I am slowly moving away from that grumpy, bitter bitching old man and into a loving, caring happy old man. Lol

Today will be a great day.

Peace and blessings

Eric

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I thank God for allowing me to see another birthday and even more important a birthday clean.  It’s only through God grace that I am clean and living his will for me. I know this and I do not take that fact for granted.

I first came into recovery in January of 2011 after a long battle with addiction.  I lost of course but you couldn’t tell me that. I hung on to the bitter end and still refused to let go. I came into the rooms with the same mentality. I didn’t take suggestions, I was seeking feelings from the women, I lied and didnt believe the things people were saying.  I was judgemental and as a result I kept going back out.

My relapses happened long before I actually picked up and smoked crack. They started with my attitude and then my behavior started to change. Then I started putting things before making meetings or just made excuses for not making them until I wasn’t making them at all and then I was gone. Off to the races.

This time back I made a commitment to myself and God that I would live his will for me and not my own,  that I would take suggestions,  and learn to listen to others who have done this successfully. That alone was a challenge because I hate people telling me what to do. But I committed myself and it has been paying off. I have not only stayed clean for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years but also for my 47th birthday this past Sunday January 20th.

This was the first time since I was a child that I didn’t use some kind of mind or mood altering substance and I am proud of myself. With God’s guidance, the Fellowship of NA and my new found network of friends I have been clean for 99 days today. I feel great.

This was the best birthday ever. I went to 2 NA functions and a group anniversary. I partied like it was 1999 and I didn’t use. Its the beginning of my new life and I am excited. I feel alive again.

Its been too damn long.

Peace and blessings.

Eric