Feeling like I don’t fit in. I’ve been struggling lately with feeling alienated. Yet again feeling Like I don’t belong.
I remember all to well those feelings I had in my active addiction. Just wanting to feel like I was a part of something and the hoops that I caused myself to jump through, just to fit in. Those were some of the most painful days of my life.
This feels familiar, but different at the same time. Today I refuse to subject myself to the degradation and embarrassment of those antics. Today I would rather just be left alone. I know how to isolate. I know how to remove myself from the people, places and things. I also know that separation from the people, places and things that have and still are saving me from myself is a major mistake and a tragedy waiting to happen.
I at a point in my life where I am just tired of the nonsense. The games and all the BULLSHIT that remind me of my days of pain, suffering and misery. Recovery is supposed to be a life line and supposed to be about change. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. The work has to continue to be a priority because when I start to slack off I feel it in more ways than I can count.
My addiction is very much active at any given time of the day and I have been allowing it to run rampant. Forgetting about the gratitude and complaining about just about anything and everything. I need to get back to the basics. Check myself daily. Hourly even. Remember why I am here and how I got here. God’s grace kept me from killing me and I will not allow it to finish the job now.
Thank you. I needed to hear myself and the insanity that was running through my head just now.
Peace and blessings.
I thank God.
For all that I AM. My experiences have made me strong and resilient. I would love to have been someone else at one time and actually lived a life full of lies trying to protect a false image that I created. But the reality is:
A Compassionate Person
A Hard Worker
As you can see I can find a whole shopping list of negative things to say about myself. Its not so easy for me when it comes to positive things. I struggle with low self-esteem and low self worth. I know that I have a lot of positive qualities but I am unable at this time to really see them let alone put them to paper.
Some days I feel really good and positive vibes and thoughts just flow easily. Then it fades and the usual negative thoughts take over. That’s the story of my life. The difference is today I am working on not always feeding into those thoughts and acting off of them like I have ever since I can remember.
I am grateful for having a sponsor and the fellowship even though I might not seem to be. I mean lets face it I have relapsed several times. I know that they are there for me and all I have to do is access the support available to me. There are times when that is easier said than done. I am still learning and practicing a new way of life.
I realize its a process and not a race and everyone does not recover at the same pace. This gives me hope. I remind myself that others have struggled as I am and they are making it. I will continue to do my best and utilize my network and God.
One day I will be able to move forward and not look back. One day at a time.
Peace and blessings
Good morning family. I always start off my day thanking God for waking me and for that I am truly grateful.
Sum Sum Summer time.
I love this time of the year. I especially love the fact that I am clean at this time of the year. There are so many things to do and I am grateful to be able to enjoy them.
Summer is also a dangerous time of the year for me. Its a trigger. Cookouts, block parties, summer concerts and all the summertime activities used to mean drinking and partying. Today I have to be mindful of this. I have to be vigilant because as you all know I have relapsed several times already.
I know me. I know that I loved to get high. I don’t like the pain and suffering that goes along with it. I also know that if there was a way to use without the misery and unmanageability I would. I also know that, that suggests control and control is impossible. So I have to learn how to deal with life on life’s terms without using.
I am thankful that I have a sponsor and a network and meetings to go to. If it had not been for the above mentioned I would die a addict.
Thank God today I am free.
Peace and blessings to you and your family. Have a happy, healthy and safe summer my friends.
Good evening family. I thank God for waking me and guiding me today.
Today I wish all of you a happy fathers day. I am grateful to my father for all the things I have learned from him. I sometimes find myself wishing I had listened more and tried a little harder. I know that what’s done is done but that doesn’t stop the thoughts and feelings.
I miss my father. I was teetering between clean and using when he passed away but after he died I gave up and used for a long time. I lost a lot in the process and have been struggling ever since. I’ve never really grieved his death and gotten closure. I still cry whenever I think of him and I am crying now as I type this.
I wish things were different, I wish I never used drugs, dropped out of school or ever been to jails, institutions and spiritual death but that is not my reality. I cannot change the past but I can have a better future. I can change my attitudes and behaviors so as to not continue the viscous cycle that has been my life for so so long.
Today I will get off the pity pot. Today is a new day and I will begin by doing new things. I thank you all for reading my blog and sharing my journey.
HAPPY FATHERS DAY DAD
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU.
Peace and blessings.
Eric aka NAM
Good morning family.
I thank God for waking and allowing me another day to live his will for me and not my own. I feel fantastic today and that is a direct result of doing the right thing.
Today I am sharing with you about how certain people that I thought were my friends have backed away from me since my relapse like if I have the cooties. Its a feeling I am all to familiar with. Abandonment is a part of my story and I am having feelings of abandonment as a result of the way some people are acting.
Its not a good feeling when you find out that people you thought was your friends turn their back on you. I remember when I was a kid going through the same feelings. It contributed to my using and becoming who I am today. I’ve always felt a need to people please because I didn’t and still don’t like the feeling of being abandoned.
Not fitting in, not being a part of, not being wanted. I know this feeling and for years it kept me in isolation. I would rather be alone than be rejected. Or so I thought. In my addiction I would tell myself those lies. I don’t need them, screw them, I will show you. Lol. For years I told myself those lies and my isolation became my own prison. I sentenced myself to a life without friends, would not associate with my family either.
Isolation had turned me into a miserable person. I was lonely, scared and angry just to name a few. I hated myself and cried at night sometimes because I felt so alone. My life was not a life I would have wished on anyone. I was barely existing and really felt invisible. Like I was on a deserted island. All alone in a room full of people.
Today I am working on dealing with those feelings. I am making progress. Today I’ve learned to share about those feelings when they come. Those feelings of abandonment that I have been feeling normally would have ran me back out the door. Today I choose to deal with the feelings. I don’t want to go back out and use. I am grateful for the seed being planted today.
I know that they don’t mean me any harm. They are probably feeling vulnerable in their own recovery and maybe they feel like using themselves. Whatever the case may be that’s their shit. I have no control over other people’s actions. I only have control over how I respond to them.
Today I choose not to let my feelings dictate my actions. Today I will push through to the other side instead of running back to the familiar pain of using.
Thank you for reading my share.
Peace and blessings.
Good evening family. I am grateful that I am back on the road to recovery. It feels amazing to be back with the people who understand and can relate to me. I don’t know why I continue to run away.
I went to a speaker jam today and it was just what I needed. The speakers where on point and it was almost like they were inside my head and knew exactly what I was feeling and going through. I am really glad that I made it. I made a few recordings and am making a speaker tape library on my phone so I can listen while I commute back and forth to work.
I am getting back to where I was before I relapsed. I am beginning to feel comfortable sharing again and making meetings everyday. I look forward to staying clean and being with my new friends in the fellowship. I have a really good feeling today and am following the programs suggested guidelines.
I have been reaching out to my sponsor and fellow members daily. I am reading the literature and sharing what I have been through. I thank God that I am back and the obsession is once again being lifted and the hope is returning.
May 21, 2012
Good morning. I Thank God for waking me today. I am grateful to be able to walk among the living.
I didn’t feel that way this past weekend though. Its been about a month since my last post and things were a little hectic in between these postings. My last post I was proud of how I told on myself for not filling a prescription for Percocet. Well the back pain I was suffering from made me decide on doing something a lot worse.
I just can’t seem to wrap my head around recovery. I can’t understand why I have such a hard time comprehending the simple solution of IF YOU DON’T PICK UP, YOU CANT GET HIGH. I am beginning to feel like I have a mental disorder. I am tired of failing at staying clean and I was ready to give up.
I found myself back at a point I was at in December of 2010. I was sick and tired of using and of being used and of how my life ended up. I was ready to die. This time I was sick of the constant conflict I was suffering from. Not wanting to use but using anyway, not being able to stay clean and be a responsible productive member of society. Feel like i am wasting my time trying. I was dwelling in self pity and just wanted the pain to end. I once again had the thoughts of killing myself and even knew how. The prescriptions for the pain meds along with some alcohol would do the trick. It seemed like the only way out.
The more I thought about it the better it sounded. But then in a moment of clarity thanks to the TV show Cold Case a story about a addict. The program kicked in. I realized that I was on the pity potty again. That my addiction was working overtime on me and that there was another way out. That moment of clarity was a spiritual awakening. God stepped in and I began to see that I do have options.
I am grateful to God, the fellowship of NA and all of you who support me. I know that some are sicker than others and that everyone’s rate of recovery differs. I will get back on the horse and ride again.
Its not over yet!
I will recover.
May 24, 2012
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful that I am alive and clean. I owe this to my higher power. I know that left to my own devices it would not be this way.
I need to share my gratitude today. I just came back from another relapse and I have to share the warm feeling I have for the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.
Its not easy to come back and say I am back from a relapse. It takes a lot of courage. For too long I was worried about how people would look at me. Worrying about what they would say and how they would treat me. It kept me running longer than it should have. I am still suffering from the great I ams. Lol. I tend to think I am greater than I really am. I come to realize that I cannot save my face and my ass at the same time.
Even more importantly all that worrying was for nothing.
People welcomed me back with open arms and showed me love, support and genuine concern. People that I don’t even know made me feel welcomed and loved and the people that know me from day 1 back in January 2011 when I first came to the rooms showed me the same love even though they know I have struggled with staying clean and have changed my clean date at least 4 times since coming to NA.
Its that welcome feeling that keeps me coming back. Had it not been this way I know I would still be out there suffering, killing myself or be dead or locked up. For this I am truly grateful. I know that I will not struggle forever as long as I keep trying. I might have fallen again but the shame is not in falling but in staying down and not getting back up to fight again.
Today I realize this to be true. I am back in the rooms because this is God’s plan for me right now. I will get back to the business of recovery and be more vigilant. I will work harder at changing those old attitudes and behaviors. One day at a time.
Thank you to those that have stuck by me and continue to show me how this is done. I am grateful.
Today is a new day and it will be great.
Peace and blessings
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful for another day to live his will for me and try to remember not my will but his be done.
I have been suffering silently with back pain for the last 10 days or so. Yesterday I finally had enough and decided to go to the emergency room. The doctor informed me that the symptoms I described sound like Sciatica. I have lower back pain the extends to my right butt cheek and down my right leg.
I was given ibuprofen and percocet for the pain. I took them the pain was so bad that I just wanted it to stop. I explained to the doctor that i am in recovery and after the examination the doctor gave me a prescription for ibuprofen and Percocet. I’m like didn’t she hear me why would she prescribe me a narcotic.
Anyway I reached out to my sponsor and other recovering addicts to share this info. I heard about Percocet and how addictive they can be and how people are relapsing on them and after using them. I just came back and do not wish to go back out there. I made a decision to fill the ibuprofen but not the Percocet. I will see if the pain can be managed with the ibuprofen.
Today I will make a appointment with a spinal doctor. I am a bit uncomfortable with anything to do with the spine, that’s serious stuff right there. I will not let my imagination run wild. I will continue to pray about it and share how I am feeling.
I am practicing doing things differently today. I am telling on myself and letting everyone know what’s going on with me. No longer will I stuff my feelings and hold on to things like secrets. Talking about it has been suggested and I will do it.
Today will be a great day.
Peace and blessings
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful that I am back with my new found associates in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.
I had a great weekend. I made meetings, I prayed for guidance and read the literature, did some writing, called my sponsor and other recovering addicts and followed the suggestions. I shared about my relapse and fellowshiped with others afterwards.
I was able to listen to others and not interrupt. I took a look at what applied and am allowing myself to accept my past and will work hard at letting it stay there. I was welcomed back with hugs and encouragement this week and for that I am truly grateful.
I was so worried about how others would view me and the criticism I would receive that I lost focus of the main reason to come home. I cannot save my face and my ass at the same time. I am responsible for my recovery no one else. Criticism and others opinions I have no control over.
I have to remind myself that this is my process and I will recover at my own pace. This is my beginning and I am a new comer. I will remember that recovery doesn’t happen over night and I am not in a race so there is no need for me to compare my process with anyone else’s.
I will stay in the moment and stay out of the danger zone that is my thinking. This addict alone with his thoughts is a dangerous place to be. I will continue to talk about what I am feeling and not stuff those feelings and thoughts but share them and be open to the suggestions and feedback. I will not try to do this alone.
I will work the program to the best of my ability, follow the suggested guidelines of the NA fellowship, continue to pray for guidance and I believe all will be well.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Peace and blessings.