The Struggle is real

Goodmorning, eafternoon or evening depending on your time zone. I pray that while you are reading this all is well in your world. As many of you already know. i am recovering from a major stroke that has left me partially paralyzed on my left side. I am truly grateful to be alive and able to do certain things so please do not confuse this post as me complaining for i am just venting my frustratios and how i am feeling right now

Just for today. ihave learned a valuable lesson as a result of my present circumstances. i am loved. i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for. i have taken a lot of life for granted. i never realized how truly blessed i was to be able to do some of the simple every day things. that we don’t think too much about, like brushing my teeth and getting dressed taking a showerall simple stuff right. i now realize being unable to do some of those things without help how much i have taken for granted. how ungrateful i have been.

i have been spared many times in my life. the first major blessing brought me into recovery, my life was spared the horrors of active addiction. believe me there were plenty of blessings in my addiction too. i could have died on many occasions but my life was spared. once again this year. while i laid on my bathroom floor alone for 3 days after suffering a stroke and hitting my head on the toilet and as i lay there i had the opportunity to get closer to my higher power. i

Although. i came to truly believe in a power greater than myself as a result of becoming a member of the fellowship and my life started to change for the better. i have witnessed blessing after blessing as a result of getting and staying clean.i believe because. i am a walking, talking miricle,

 

 

i have had a spiritual awakening as a result of rude awakening.

my gratitude is super charged right now.

 

but I wouldn’t be telling thr truth if i left out i am struggling right now trying to get back  whewre i was before the stroke mentaly, spiritually anf physically.

 

i put in the work and i am making some great progress but being an addict, i want what i want and i want it now.. i know i only have power of the work i put in not the results. i will let God be God and not attempt to control the outcome of my therapy.

 

i am a survivor…..

after all the name of this blog says it all

FROM STRUGGLE TO STRENGTH.this too shall pass.

 

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

 

 

 

REPOST: MARCH 2013

March 3, 2013

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

GET BACK UP..AGAIN

Hello all and God bless.

I always start my day by thanking my higher power God for waking me and pray for guidance.

I dont always follow that guidance and for that I wind up paying a price.

I have always had a issue with being consistent. Lets face it. I have not been consistent with anything except using. I have been a failure at many things and so far my attempt at staying clean is following that pattern. I am failing.

Once again I am sitting here after a relapse saying why me. Asking myself why I continue to return to the scene of the crime. Why do I go back to using when I know the end results will always be the same.

I know what I need to do to stay clean and my track record shows that I can do what needs to be done for a short time. I have a 3-4 month lasting period and then I start falling off. I do other things and stop making meetings. I know better but do it anyway and before I know it ive screwed up again.

I have been running from my feelings all my life. Although I have gotten a little better this time around I have still not gotten to where I can face anything and still recover. Fear is my worse enemy.

I will never stop trying. I will continue to practice what I have learned and work harder at facing my fears. I have a disease that wants me dead and I need to learn how to live and stop helping my disease carry out its mission.

I wanted to keep this a secret because I am embarrassed to admit that I have done it AGAIN.  But keeping this secret has only kept me using and will keep me sick. Today I want to be honest and expose this so maybe I can get the help I truly need.

Recovery is not as easy as I thought it would be or should be. But using is a lot harder. I am not the BIG I AM. I struggle and stumble and fall down. But I will get up. I refuse to stay down and let my disease win. I dont know how to live without drugs but I do know a place to go so I can learn.

I will go back to the rooms. At least there I know I will be around people who understand what I am going through.

Thank you to all who have shown me love and support and those who have not given up on me.

Eric

THE STRUGGLE TO MOVE FORWARD

Hello everyone.

I thank God that I am still alive and breathing and able and not in the hospital, sick or worse dead. I am grateful or at least I think I am. I say that because I am really not sure. I’ve heard it said that grateful addicts don’t use but I continue to struggle with moving past using so I must not be grateful.

The harder I try the more I mess things up and I am beginning to think that I will never be able to stay clean. I don’t know why I am so scared to leave this life behind me and move on. I continue to set myself up for failure and its starting to affect me in a very negative way. I know that the disease wants me dead and truthfully death right now is starting to look like my only way out.

I have tried and tried again and have failed more times than I really care to share. This year alone I just can’t seem to live with or without the use of mind and mood altering substances and its depressing me. I am still unable to ask for and accept help from others and continue to be dishonest not only with myself but with everyone around me as well. I feel like giving up even trying.

I am not in a good space right now and need to get my ass back to the rooms and start over but don’t want to say back again.  I want to be able to just keep coming and I really have to find the courage to do the work NO to be consistent with doing the work. I know the program works but I am starting to feel like the exception. SMH

I know there’s a better way and this is my addiction just trying to keep me down and out. I just needed to vent and I know I haven’t posted in about a month so I wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me.

Peace and blessings to you all.

Eric Ease

BAD DECISIONS

October 16, 2012

Hello and God Bless You.

I guess by now you know that I’ve done it again. For the umpteenth time I went and took my will back and made a decision to go out and use. I say a decision because that’s exactly what it was. Nobody forced me to do it. I wasn’t kidnapped and told use this or die. I wasn’t forced to cop drugs, by a new stem and lighter or light up. I made a decision and of course once again it has proved to be the wrong decision.

I have a serious problem that I still have not fully come to grips with or understand. It’s not like I don’t already know the consequences. It’s not like I don’t already know my life will either slowly or quickly spin outta control and become not only unmanageable but unbearable. It’s not like I haven’t been down this road before because I have.

It’s crazy because they say if you knew better you do better but that doesn’t seem to apply when it comes to me. Insanity is said to be doing the same thing expecting different results. So what do you call doing the same thing knowing the results??
STUPIDITY.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not trying hard enough. No I am not really trying at all to stay clean. The minute things get uncomfortable or hard I give up. That’s the story of my life and of all the things that I have changed in my life the one major thing that needs to be changed remains the same. As a direct result I continue to go down that same path, listening to myself tell myself the same lies.

I am my biggest cheerleader, my biggest critic and my worse enemy. It is time for me to pee or get off the pot. I am tired of not being able to accumulate mere days of cleantime.

I am making a commitment right here right now that from this day forward I will work harder, put my recovery first and participate in my own recovery. No more excuses.

FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

First and foremost I want to thank God for waking me up this morning.
Well once again I say one thing and do another. Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my actions. I know what I want to do but I am having difficulty getting started. I’m having a failure to launch. I am not a stranger to this. Procrastination is a well known friend of mine. It’s a bad habit that I know I need to work on. If I don’t one day it will kill me.
So I messed up yesterday, I am not going to let that keep me down. I’ve got to get up in order to be able to move on. I need to stop saying what I’m going to do and just do it. Who am I kidding. If it was that easy it would’ve been done already right? Anyway I have to try to maintain a positive attitude.
So I’m not going to keep kicking myself, it just not worth it. Instead I’m telling myself its going to get better. I have to do better, try harder like my sponsor just said to me. I need to stop isolating and get on with my life.
The problem is PROCRASTINATION:
I know what I want to do and I know what I need to do. The problem with me is doing it. Its BAD HABIT #1. I am trying to develop new GOOD HABITS to take over for the BAD ones but its not easy. I know that it must be done and just like with everything else its going to take time, hard work and patience. I will practice this everyday until it becomes a reality. Its been said that a habit takes 21 days or more to develop so today is day 1. Wish me luck..lol I will keep you posted on my progress.

SHOWTIME

Good afternoon, First and foremost I thank God for waking me up and allowing me to see another day. I pray for knowledge, wisdom and guidance in my daily journey.
Today is my day off from work and I am home watching tv. I know that I should be doing something more recovery related so I decided to read some literature and log in to my recovery websites. I made a decision to get my life on track. I am tired of the insanity so its time to put in the work. I haven’t been to a meeting in weeks but I plan on going to my home group tomorrow.
I know that meetings are going to be a very important part of my recovery so its time to start making them again. I have been putting it off for 3 weeks enough is enough.
I am truly grateful to my sponsor. He helps me when I am unable to help myself, he hasn’t given up on me although I gave up on myself. That has always been my problem. When things get tough I give up. That is a bad habit that I am determined to break. It has been the main reason for my relapses and I have to figure out why and break the cycle. I am not getting any younger so there is no time like the present.
Procrastination is another bad habit that I need to work on. I put things off (making a meeting 3 weeks) and before I know it a month or two goes by, or my bills are past due. That’s just 2 examples I could go on but you get the picture. I have to maintain a steady schedule and form new good habits to replace the old bad ones. I am not going to over do it though. I don’t want to overwhelm myself and then quit. I know that, that can and will happen. I have to remember also to take life 1 day or even 1 minute at a time or I am doomed to repeat.
Time for change is now. The more I think about it the more I want to do it. The holidays are just around the corner and I don’t want to miss them again. I haven’t spent time with my family on Thanksgiving and Christmas in a very long time. I just want to be regular. Do what normal people do. I’ve been a ghost for too long.

GRATITUDE

Good morning, I thank God for waking me up this morning. I was just thinking about gratefulness. About how I have taken for granted just about everything in my life and how ungrateful I used to be and at times still am. I used to complain about any and everything not realizing how lucky I am to have what I have. And how I never thanked anyone for anything that I have.
I like to always start my day with thanking God for waking me up. This is a new habit that I am cultivating that actually started this year. (My first year trying to get clean.) I started this as a result of making meetings and taking the suggestions that I heard.
Growing up I used to go to church with my Mom but never really got what it was about, later on mom used to send us to Sunday school but just like regular school I would play hookie and not go. Instead I would wind up at my friends pigeon coop or anywhere else and we would sit around and do everything we wasn’t supposed to be doing. I didn’t like church or Sunday school and resented my mother for making me go.
I never really got the principal of spirituality, but I am open and willing to try.
Today I am trying to be more open-minded about things, I’m willing to try new things and I don’t or at least try not to complain as much about trying new things. One of the new things I am trying is listening to podcast by Joel Osteen. He is a preacher from Houston Texas and he has a t.v. show that comes on Sunday mornings. I go to his website and download his podcast every Sunday and I listen to them over and over. I have about 5 of his podcast to date on my Evo.
So this morning while I am riding the train I am listening and he is talking about giving God praise. He said giving praise in good times was easy, it’s when times are tough that’s when you should really give praise. Instead of always complaining to God how this is not working or how this is not right or that is not right, we should thank him for the things that  are going right in our lives. That is something I never did. I am a complainer. I’ve always been a complainer. That’s part of my problem. I always look at what’s not right with my life and dwell on that. I need to start being thankful for what is going good in my life and build on that. Stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive.
That’s where I am today. I will start to look at the good in my life and stop dwelling on the bad things. I truly believe that my attitudes and behaviors will change for the better if I stick with this. So this is my new habit for today.
BEGIN TO THINK POSITIVE.
I am trying to develop new habits to replace the old habits. This is going to be a process I know, but I’m ready to try this to begin to live a better life. Wish me luck. I will keep you posted on my progress of course right here in my blog.
Oh damn damn damn, that last all of 2 1/2 hours..lmao I just caught myself resorting back to my old attitudes & behaviors, I just got an attitude with the co-manager and after the fact felt bad. I need to breathe easy and think before I re-act or its going to get me in trouble again. Phew I escaped this time but who knows next time I might not be so lucky..I’ll keep you posted..

A NEW DAY

Although my situation hasn’t changed I feel really good today.
I woke up this morning with the feeling that today is going to be a great day. I feel confident that change is coming. I know that things have to change for the better and there is no time like the present.
First and foremost I want to give praise to God for waking me up this morning and for keeping me safe. I want to thank God for his guidance and the strength he has given me to carry on, even in the worst of circumstances. I am grateful for my life today and I have a lot to be thankful for.
Starting today I am going to recognize all the good things that happen in my life and be grateful for them. I am done with feeling sorry for myself and feeling hopeless. Screw that.
The problem with that is I don’t know how to keep this good feeling. I am trying to maintain a positive outlook and keep positive thoughts. Unfortunately I have had such a negative Outlook on my life for so long that its hard to keep positive. I am trying to start a new habit. Telling myself positive things, thinking positive when I can and when I can’t I listen to positive podcast. I am also getting in the habit of listening to NA speaker tapes.
I am trying very hard to keep a positive outlook but sometimes dealing with other peoples attitudes makes me want to go off the deep end. Where I work I deal with rude, stubborn, selfish customer who only think of themselves..(Reminds me of me in my active addiction). They don’t want to move out of your way, they act like they rule the world sometimes. lol. I have to laugh to keep from blowing a gasket. I will keep my cool though

OBSESSION

MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND IS CLOUDED. I’M AM UNABLE TO THINK CLEARLY DUE TO THE FACT THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH THOUGHTS OF USING. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THE END RESULT. THAT’S THE CRAZY PART, KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW AND DOING IT ANYWAY. TALK ABOUT INSANITY. SMH. I FEEL LIKE I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL AT ALL. IT’S LIKE ONCE THE THOUGHT POPS INTO MY HEAD I CAN’T GET RID OF IT. MY ACTIONS START TO REVOLVE AROUND THE THOUGHT. CRAZY AIN’T IT. BRB.
AIGHT NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT INSANITY CHECK THIS OUT. I CAME HOME FROM WORK AND GOT ME A TASTE DUDE DIDN’T HAVE ANYMORE SO I SAID FUCK IT 1 WILL DO AN HOUR LATER I’M CALLING EVERYBODY I KNOW TRYING TO GET ME ANOTHER 1. I’M RIDING AROUND LITERALLY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO GOT SOMETHING. NOW I’M STANDING HERE WAITING LOOKING LIKE A FUCKIN FOOL. I SWEAR THE SHIT I GO THROUGH TO FEED THIS MONSTER. SMH…GOD HELP ME TO GAIN CONTROL OVER MY THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS AND HELP ME GET BACK INTO THE ROOMS OF NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS..IN JESUS NAME I PRAY. AMEN.