Greetings from me to you on this befifil day. As I sit here in my rehab room looking pout the window at the passersbys below. In a way this all seems familiar. Like I have been here before, but it’s no the same. This time is very different. I Am not here trying to escape from using. No this time I am recovering from a major stroke. I had a blood clot travel and stop on the right side of my brain an block thee flow of blood. It caused me to colspse in my him. I was rushed to the 😋loop E. Regency room iv been recovering since. N
I would like to take this opportunity to to wish my beautiful wife a happy 1 year anniversary.
We are together in Punta Cana enjoying each other’s company and having a wonderful time.
Thank you for being on this journey with me and for loving me as much as I love you.
I look forward to many more fantastically awesome years together.
I love you.
Peace and Blessings.
Hello beautiful people. I hope that when you are reading this you are enjoying your life to the fullest possible extent. If you are not then don’t fret, there is always the opportunity to make changes. Today WE have the power of choice.
I can remember when I thought I did not have a choice. I did what everyone else was doing, what everyone else wanted me to do, what everyone else thought I should be doing. I was a follower and I followed people just so I could feel like I belonged. I wanted so badly for people to like me that I forgot about liking myself. I forgot about what I wanted to do, what I dreamed of being and where I wanted to go. I found myself in some incredibly dark situations and sticky circumstances.
For as long as I could remember I wanted to be someone else and when I became old enough to, I did just that. I created and recreated myself. Over and over again. In this part of town and that part. With this person and with that one. All the while hiding my true identity, hiding my true feelings, living up to the code of the streets. The life that I lived got me tangled in a web of deceit, dishonesty, self deception and lies. I pretended for so long that my true being got buried under the many masks that I had to wear everyday just to survive the mess I made of my life. I wandered around aimlessly for years acting like I was this or that, hiding my true identity and eventually it was no longer a act. I was lost. Caught up in the grips with no apparent means of escape. When the smoke cleared I looked around and I was all alone. No friends calling me, no family checking up on me. Just me and my many identities.
It’s amazing now that I can look back at where I used to be. Well truth be told there are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe it. One thing is for sure. I am grateful that I am learning to let go of that part of my life that I clung to for dear life for so long.
It is not easy either. When you practice a certain thing no matter what it is for a long period of time, you become skilled at it. Just like the skilled musician did not become skilled overnight I too did not just master deception overnight nor will I be rid of it just because it no longer suits me. If I do not practice a new way of thinking and behaving I can easily return to my old patterns with the blink of a eye or the snap of a finger.
Which leads me to the subject at hand. Relationships.
I avoided them at all costs for the majority of my life. I learned at a early age that people could not be nor should they be trusted. My experiences in the past have taught me that. But I am no longer living in the past so in order for me to start the process of being restored I need to allow myself to let go of the past and form healthy relationships.
Maybe I need help???
This is the area that I struggle with the most..
I allowed myself to come out of my shell a little bit at a time but never allow anyone to really get too close to me. I still shield myself and only allow people to know what I want them to know. I do not really hang out with people and am still very comfortable in my own company. I am very guarded and I really do not trust anyone still to this day. I can share in meetings without hesitation but when it comes to more intimate settings I would rather not get involved. I get the uneasy feelings and then allow fear to shut me down and make me feel like I need to be somewhere else.. And I usually make my exit shortly after those feelings arise.
Relationships are a painful and sometime frightening area for me.
This is new ground and it makes me feel like I felt back when I was a kid all over again. I also know that the fear is just in my head. I know that I am loved and liked and I also know that I love and like others. Although I may struggle with expressing my affection for others I know that I can feel it and I feel it from others. Again this is all new ground for me. It takes me a little longer to warm up to people but eventually I will get there. I know this is my process, and I will get to where I need to be in time. Not my time. My higher powers time.
I will continue to work on myself and work through my issues at my own pace. I do not feel the need to people please just so I can say that I have friends. I am loving who I am becoming and will not compromise my values and principles today.
I know today that I have a choice.
Peace and Blessings
It’s been far too long since I have posted and for this I apologize. Living life on life’s terms can be difficult at times. Becoming a responsible and productive member of society has proven to me that there are definitely NOT enough hours in a day. Lol. I am grateful that my days are full and productive. For a long time that was not the case.
A lot has happened in the months since my last post. Some good, some bad and then there are the things that I cannot put a label on. For the most part my life is great. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My worst day clean is still far better than my best day using. That’s a fact. Since coming back to recovery I have been doing some work on myself. I have grown and I am learning how to make better decisions and make better use of my time.
One of the greatest lessons I am learning is that the past is a memory. It is no longer valid, useful or pertinent. There is nothing that I can do about it, it can’t be changed or altered and I can call a do over. It can be a tool for learning or it can be a never ending cycle of anger, resentments and fear. It can be a road block and can cause me to block myself from receiving the gifts that await me today or it can be the motivation to keep me moving forward. It all about how I choose to see my past and what I choose to do with it.
IF I CHOOSE TO DWELL ON IT.
I can and will remain bitter, angry, resentful, depressed and stuck in a cycle that will only keep me from growing. That cycle will eventually take me back to the old attitudes and behaviors associated with those past events. I will spiral out of control and jails, institutions and eventually death will be the results.
IF I CHOOSE TO LET GO…
Then I will be free of the bitterness, anger, resentments, fear and depression. It will free up the clutter in my mind and allow me to focus on new things. I will be making room for new journeys, new experiences, new memories. I will be free from making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns. The burden will be lifted and my spirit will be ignited. I will be able to enjoy all that life has to offer.
I AM CHOOSING TO LET GO.
Working my forth step helped me to sort through a lot of the confusion. I was able to distinguish between the truth and what lies I told myself that I came to believe to be the truth. I was able to see that a lot of the anger, resentments and even the fear that I held on to for years was not valid. I’ve allowed myself to create a life of isolation and bitterness based on resenting others for situations that I CREATED. I held on to these resentments for years and as a result alienated myself from my friends and family. I missed out on enjoying all that life had to offer me. I sat on the sidelines while my whole life was passing me by. Then I got angry and resentful because I let life pass me by. Placing the blame on you and any and everybody else. Never taking responsibility for my part in all those situations. The funny part is that no one remembers all those minor things but me. I’ve held on to grudges long after the expiration date. Long after…
Today I can own my part. Today I take responsibility for my actions. I see the harm that I caused. I can feel the pain I’ve caused by my actions. I know now that I was the cause of all those angry days and nights. I pushed people away. The very people who were trying to help me, when I was playing victim and saying that they were trying to hurt me. I believed my own lies, allowing myself to wallow in self pity. Me. It was all me.
I had to dig deeper than I ever thought possible. I had to become willing to push past what I knew to be true, and actually uncover the truth. I had to become brutally honest and really analyze the tapes. Go over the memories with a fine tooth comb. Writing over and over as more memories became clear. I had to surrender. I had to be open minded to the possibility that what I thought was true could possibly be false. Made up. Manufactured by the owner of a fractured personality.
The truth came to light and I am experiencing a freedom that I have never felt. But being the addict that I am. My mind still wants me to believe the lies. So with that freedom also comes responsibility. The responsibility of remaining vigilant, of continuing to do the work necessary to maintain. The responsibility to keep digging and uncovering the truth. The responsibility to keep recovering…
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Peace and blessings.