I don’t believe in coincidence so my post yesterday must have been trying to tell me something.. There’s a lesson to be learned here and last night I think I finally got it.

I might be wrong and it won’t be the first time. I am learning that the longer I stay clean, the more I don’t know much about living life clean. I do not handle situations in a rational manner and I am still not mature in many areas.

I believe that I may have stepped into something that I should not have. I am coming to terms that I was not ready and I still am not ready to be that person. I am just starting to feel like I am getting a little bit better and then BOOM. The old attitudes and behaviors show me that I am not.

I have never been in a healthy relationship. All of my life I have used one substance or another and in every relationship those behaviors have led to it’s demise, but I do not have the substance to blame now.

They say that Your best teacher is your last mistake, They say a lesson will repeat itself until it is learned. Obviously I have not learned shit.

Well that’s not entirely true.

I have learned that I do not want to cause anyone any harm. Yet I still do. Knowing that I am causing harm does not sit well with me today. I feel like I am causing someone that I love more harm than good. No matter how hard I try I always wind up being the bad guy. So I must be doing something wrong and need to find some inner peace.

I need to correct myself. I cannot be any good to anyone if I am no good to myself. I cannot love anyone until I truly learn how to love myself. I thought I did, but I am not sure anymore. I have prayed and prayed again.

I realize that I have been placing the blame, but what I should do is own my part. I take ownership. I know that I am far from perfect. I know that I need to allow others their space.

I am not taking hostages today.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease


Good afternoon everyone, I hope that you all are in good health and spirits. As for me well all I can say is Thank you God.

It has been quite some time since my last post and for this I truly apologize. I have been preoccupied. Living life on life’s terms is not easy, suddenly I find that there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything that I think I need to do. I must admit that I am amazed at how my life has turned out so far. The good, bad and the sometimes ugly of today are nothing compared to how I saw life just a short 4 years and 10 months and some days ago.

Ok Ok.

Let me catch you up on what has been going on in the life of this recovering addict.

As many of you might know, I’ve moved from NYC. I have been blessed to have the opportunity to start a brand new life in a brand new state. I have also been blessed to find a woman to spend my life with. We are making a new life together and it has been an amazing journey from the start. There have been many blessings along my journey in this new life in recovery. I have learned to stand up for myself, not accept anything, I do not need to people please to try to fit in. I have learned to love myself and treat myself with respect and to accept love from others. I am still growing and changing in so many ways. I am grateful beyond words.

I remember my beginning, back when I struggled to stay clean. I thought that I would die using and used to say that I wanted people to put drugs in the casket. Smfh. I mean who thinks like that. Just that alone should have told me that something was seriously wrong. I thank God that I was saved from myself. Yes God because left to my own devices, I wouldn’t have stopped until I either killed myself or someone else.

Coming from my active addiction into the recovery process was not a easy transition. I resisted everything and everyone that tried to help me. I was still caught up in the grips of my addiction and the false beliefs that I had developed over the decades of using. I couldn’t believe that anyone in their right mind could actually want to stop using drugs. I couldn’t grasp the slogan if you don’t pick up, you can’t get high. All I’ve ever known and wanted was to pick up. So I struggled and suffered in silence. As time went on and after several returns to active addiction I finally found myself willing to try a different way of doing things. I was ready and so I surrendered and my life began to change.

There are times in my Journey that my old attitudes and behaviors are active. I find myself wanting to revisit negative thoughts and act out on my negative behaviors. Those are the times when I have to remember what practicing those behaviors have gotten me. Jails and institutions are a part of my past and I have no desire to make them a part of my present. I have to keep my story fresh in my mind but not live in or become stuck on those thoughts. It’s Ok to visit my past but God knows I do not wish to live there. So I plug back in and stay connected.

Although my life is great now, it only takes one bad decision to startup a vicious cycle all over again. I am grateful to be missing because my life has changed and become full and not missing because I used and returned to the scene of my addiction. The work that needs to be done is ongoing, it’s never alright to think that I don’t need to stay in this process or that I don’t need it anymore. That is the biggest lie that I could ever tell myself and will only lead to the self destruction that I only have a daily reprieve from. I am only a strong as the program that I work. If I am not working on my recovery, then relapse will be working on me.

So I take action to


Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease


Wow. It’s been 6 years since I wrote my first blog post on November 17, 2011. Since that time a lot has happened. I can honestly say that I have grown. I have shared my journey from active addiction into recovery.

My struggle with staying clean in my beginnings has given me strength and a shot of hope on numerous occasions. I love to go back and read my earlier posts, especially when I am feeling down and my addiction is trying to rob me of my sense of accomplishment. I sometimes have to remind myself that I have come a long way and reading old posts helps me to see how far I have truly come. I remember vividly the tough times I had in the beginning and how I felt like I couldn’t stay clean. I often share how I thought that I was going to die a addict. I no longer feel that way and I think it is important for others to understand that they too can get and stay clean.

I was talking with a friend of mine today about my journey as a new comer and how I made my recovery a lot harder than it had to be. You see I used for so long that I brain washed myself into thinking that there was no way out. I believed the lies that I told myself for so long. I never in a million years would have thought that I could ever live the life that I am living right now.

My journey has taught me many things, but the one thing that I cling to is R. I. P. It stands for Recovery Is Possible. If you would’ve asked me all through my addiction I would have said the obvious. Rest In Peace. I wanted the latter so badly when I was using. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I wanted a way out and contemplated suicide on many occasions. But my Higher Power saw fit to grant me a way out. I am forever grateful.

I started this blog as a way for me to vent and write my feelings whether good or bad. I never meant for it to be publicly viewed, to meet others in recovery or to make so many new friends, but I did. I am thankful to everyone who has supported me and encouraged me with their comments, suggestions, thoughts, opinions and advice throughout the years. You all have played a major role in my journey and am honored to have you all in my network.

My blog is 6 and I am 4 years clean just this past October 26 and I am blessed to still be here.

One day at a time.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease


I remember all the things I took for granted in my active addiction. Physical, mental and spiritual things alike. I also remember when the walls came crashing down and I lost all those things. I remember thinking that my life was no longer worth living because I had nothing and I could not stop using drugs. I blamed people, places and things for all my hardships. I was broken and didn’t think there was a way out.

All my life I focused on outside influences to make me feel. Whether it was happiness, love, friendship, compassion or just to be a part of. I always seeked approval from others. I needed validation and thought that it was other people that would give it to me. I thought I was supposed to receive it from everyone. I found out the hard way that no one gives a fuck about you or your feelings. I learned some very valuable lessons early on in reference to this fact.

I was very naive and easily influenced as a child and as a result I found out that honestly and kindness was a weakness. It was a sign that gave other people a indication that they could take advantage of you. So after a while I became the exact opposite. I learned the street rules and proceeded to not only master them but to make up some of my own. I became someone other than my true self. I became what I thought everyone else wanted to see.

As a result I got lost in the many different egos and personalities. I forgot how to be me. Actually I never developed a true me. I began my journey into hell at the early stages of my life. Before I was even a teenager I was already caught up in the grips. I never learned the basics. How to make friends and be a friend. How to genuinely care about people and show compassion. How to carry simple conversations. Graduate from school and move on through the stages of the process called life. I missed out on all that life had to offer and instead settled for the high cost of living the low life.

I wish I could say that no one warned me, but that would be a lie. I was warned over and over again. I thought I knew better so I brushed off the warnings with a minimum of concern. I paid for my arrogance a thousand times over.

I am not sure when I crossed back over the imaginary line but today here I stand. Starting from scratch. Learning things I should have been doing years ago. I am at a point where I feel like that 9 year old little boy again. Confused and frustrated. Unable to identify what I am going through and scared to express my thoughts. Step work has helped me to get to this point and I am grateful. I have fear of what lies ahead of me and at the same time I am excited and eager. I want to uncover the truth. Discard the lies. Put the past to bed, say goodbye and move on.

I am currently working on my 4th step with my sponsor. I write, ask questions. I often find myself crying as I am reliving some of my past. I am finding some truths where I held resentments and anger for years. Resentments that I now realize are not valid because I am required to look at the part I played in them. Resentments that I have held for decades. Now crumble to dust because I was the problem not them.

Cutting through the confusion is pain and pleasure at the same time. It is confusion and clarity, happiness and sadness, fear and courage. It is me and them (my egos and personalities) and in the end it will be me. I will rise from the ashes of that confusion a new person. They will no longer have a hold on me. I will slay each ego and personality one by one until they no longer exist. I will be free from the false pride, lies and images that I created as protection. I will be able to stand tall as a man no longer held back by the chains of my past or my addiction.

The truth shall set me free.

My gratitude shows in my actions louder than my words could ever say.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease


I heard it said and truly believe that, If I forget where I came from. I will certainly be doomed to repeat. So I make it my business to make the necessary connections today. By doing so it allows me to see myself coming and stop my insanity before it becomes a problem. Before it becomes a resentment, before my thinking can try to convince me that I am wasting my time and that I can’t do anything right. Blah, blah, blah. So forth and so on.

My life has been a vicious cycle of never ending insanity for a long time and now that I am clean and living a semi-normal life I find that the insanity is still present. It manifests itself in similar and in different ways.

Take for instance my need..

-To belong, I am still feeling my way around and still at times feel like I don’t belong. My disease is still active in that area and is constantly trying to isolate me from the very thing that has saved my life.

-To fit in, I am still trying to figure out where I fit in, in the grand scheme of things. What’s my purpose, what’s my niche. What am I supposed to be doing with my life. Why have I been given another opportunity.

-To keep the peace, I am finding myself people pleasing, biting my tongue, not speaking my mind. Dumbing down. I am not being the blunt, abrasive and forthright person I once knew to be me. Instead I play small almost as if I am trying to be invisible or not take responsibility.

I don’t know. I’m rambling.


I am trying to find my own way. It’s time to fill the void. I no longer wish to live someone else’s way. Do what they want to do. I have to start giving thought to what I want. Find out what makes me tick. Figure out my purpose. Stop jumping from one thing to another and be consistent.

It’s time to create my world.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease



I have to admit. The old feelings of failure have been biting at my heels the last couple of weeks. The thoughts that I would never amount to anything and I am useless. worthless, stupid and a failure have been ringing in my head. I am reminded of my past constantly and I have been struggling with shaking those thoughts and feelings. I am sharing this with you because I need to. I need to share the good right along with the bad. I am human, far from perfect and I still struggle with those old thoughts and feelings at times.

I have a habit of always looking for the doom as some people would say, but I don’t see it that way. I have lived the doom all my life so I know a thing or two about it. I know that shit happens. I have caused shit to happen, (self sabotage) witnessed it happen and know for a fact what can happen. I don’t like to always think negatively but I do like to be prepared for it because it does happen. I am not sure if you can understand that. It has nothing to do with trying to always be positive or what you think will happen will happen. It has to do with not being naive, unrealistic or rocked to sleep because things are going well. When life is good and everything’s going my way I can forget sometimes that there will be bad days too. Murphy’s Law. Whatever could go wrong will go wrong.

Anyway. I am drifting off subject.

I have never been much of a risk taker. I lived pretty much in the comfort zone. Believe it or not I was comfortable in my misery in my addiction for a long time. I expected nothing and as a result I got just what I expected. In recovery however I am trying to live a different life and as a result I am taking risks, trying new things and making myself uncomfortable in the process in order to grow spiritually, mentally and physically. I am enjoying this new way of life and would not trade it for the world. I have accomplished many things in the last 3 years and 8 months that I have been clean. I owe it all to my higher power, the fellowship and a willingness to change.

With that being said I have attempted many new things in this time frame and not everything that I took a risk on paid off. I have stumbled many times. I have failed at some of the risks I have taken. I am learning how to deal with failure and not to look at it as a negative thing. I am learning to look at those attempts as a learning experience and not a complete failure. By doing this I have learned that it doesn’t mean that I should give up. It just means that the way I did it didn’t work out at that time. It allows me to have a choice. It allows me to go back to the drawing board and rethink my method, replan my attempt. It allows me to gather more information to add to the information I already have. I already know what didn’t work because I now have the experience from trying. Experience I would not otherwise have had if I did not take the risk in the first place.


This is mind blowing for me because I never looked at failing at something as a good thing or a learning experience. I used to just give up and be depressed, frustrated, angry and defeated. I would allow the negative self talk to talk me right out of trying it again or trying anything else for that matter. I would allow it to keep me stuck in my comfort zone slowing dying from the unsatisfied, unworthy, useless feelings. I have been in that rut for years. I no longer choose to live in my comfort zone of complacency. Today I choose to move forward with my life no matter what.

I have recently took a risk.

I was sick and tired of the work I was doing for quite some time. I was unhappy at work and it was spilling over into my personal life at home. It was affecting my spirit and I was feeling like I was drowning in my sorrows. I stayed on this job, in this field way past the expiration date and it was beginning to take it’s toll on my well being. I knew I had to do something and I had to do it quick. I decided to end my relationship with the company I worked for. I have been with them for 7 years and I felt it was time to part ways. I resigned and wrote the post – RETIRED FROM THE BALL AND CHAIN WAS SCARY. STARTING ANEW IS ALSO SCARY. BUT STAYING THE SAME IS THE SCARIEST.  That post was written 2 months ago.

It’s funny how time flies, but even funnier how some things remain the same. I am still very excited about becoming a real estate investor. I have been putting in a lot of work. Searching properties, learning how to contact owners, write contracts, make offers, deal with realtors, sending out direct mail campaigns, creating websites, posts, flyers and listing the company in online directories. I have learned a lot in the last 2 months since retiring from my 9 to 5. I am proud of myself for taking the risk to do something to make my life and my families life better. But with all my efforts and all the hard work I have still yet to buy my first property. I have hit more roadblocks and obstacles than I anticipated and as I stated in the beginning of this post. I am starting to doubt myself. I am starting to lose hope and I am starting to feel like the failure that my disease will have me think that I am. Now I know that these are just feelings. I know that better things are just around the corner. I know that if I give up now that I will be selling myself short. I know all this but that doesn’t mean that I do not feel the things that I am feeling. The difference is what I do about it. I could give up and allow the negative thoughts to once again dictate my life or I can dig deeper and strap in for the ride.

Although I have been struggling with getting my business off the ground. I refuse to throw in the towel. I realize that first of all. I have not been doing this for long. 2 months is not enough time to evaluate my success or failure in this business. Secondly I have to realize who is doing the talking, my addiction, those thoughts have always tried to sabotage my efforts and I always believed them. NOT TODAY. I am determined to succeed. So I will go back to the drawing board. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have gained and will use that to my advantage. I will start my day over as many times as I have to. I will shake as many trees, call as many sellers, knock on as many doors as necessary. I will keep the focus where it belongs on moving forward.

Nothing worth having comes over night. I will use my tools to get me through this. One day at a time.

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease




First and foremost. I thank God for saving my life and giving me another opportunity. I know that it was devine intervention that planted the seed of recovery in my life and that same devine intervention allows me to be able to share my experiences with all of you. 

Knowing what I know. It would be not only selfish of me but a down right waste if I didn’t give back what was so freely given to me. I would not be able to keep it, I would have simply squandered it away. I would have taken this gift for granted like I did so many other times. Not realizing the blessings that were bestowed upon me. 

My self centeredness and egotistical self would have me believe that I did all of this on my own. It would have me believing that I was owed this and I deserve it because of all the hard times I have been through. But that’s not true. Nobody owes me a damn thing. In fact it’s the other way around. I owe. I owe a debt that can never be replayed. The only way I know how to attempt to at least make some amends is by giving back. Showing the still sick and suffering addicts that recovery is possible. By letting the family members of those addicted know that recovery is possible. There is a way out and you too can get clean. 

My hopes with my blog from the start was that I, by writing my story and sharing my experiences would be able to reach those that were still affected. By reaching them my dream was to give them the hope that I had received when I was caught up in the grips of my addiction. The hope that one day I would be able to stop using and live a semi normal life. The hope that one day the pain and suffering would stop. The hope that one day I would have my family back. The hope that one day I would be able to experience love. 

I have been afforded the opportunity to experience all of those things and for this I am very grateful. I owe my life to my Higher power and the process of recovery. 

That seed that was planted many years ago, that took several years to cultivate and finally began to produce some results. I remember thinking that I could never get clean, that I would never stop using. I remember the feelings of utter despair and hopelessness. I remember wanting to end it all. I remember it well. But I also remember the people who believed in me. The people who helped me to believe in myself. I remember those people who kept telling me that I could stop using and one day I will get clean. I remember them actually wanting and telling me to keep coming back. 
I am grateful to those people who loved me and prayed for me. Those people who helped cultivate and shape me into a person who began to believe. I remember beginning to believe that I could and would get clean and guess what. I did. 

I look back and I am filled with gratitude for all those that took the time to plant the seeds. Because I was able to overcome those lies planted in my heart by those who tried to bury me. 

So for anyone that may be reading this and thinking like I used to. Thinking that you cannot stop, that you will never get clean. Trust me when I tell you. Don’t believe those lies. You can get clean. You can get your life back. You can. I believe in you. I know you can. If I can do it so can you. Give yourself a break. It won’t be easy, it doesn’t happen overnight. But it does happen. One day at a time. Please don’t hesitate to contact me. I will be more than happy to help you any way I can. 

In recovery there’s hope and the promise of freedom. That an addict, any addict. Can stop using drugs. Lose the desire to use and find a new way of life. 

Peace and blessings. 

Eric Ease 


Just thought I would share in case some of you know families that are stressed about feeding their kids now that they will be out of school.

If you have or know of a school-aged child in need of breakfast and lunch this summer, simply text “FOOD” to 877877. You will receive a message back with a location closest to where they can get free summer meals. This is a NATIONAL program so anyone can benefit no matter where you’re located. (Please copy, paste, and post! Even if you aren’t in need, someone else’s kids might be. No child deserves to go hungry.)

Thank you

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease


Lately. I have been struggling with living life on Life’s terms. I have been all over the place and in my head for long periods of time. I know that dwelling on the negative self-destructive thoughts that pass through my head for too long is not healthy. It seems that no matter what I do to switch the thoughts off or into positive thoughts. They make their way right back to the forefront. I have shared about it, prayed on it and even cursed myself telling the thoughts to shut the F up and thank you for sharing. It lasts only for a short period of time.

I still suffer from instant gratification and I want what I want. And I want it now. With that being said. When things are not moving forward as fast as I feel they should be. I begin to doubt myself and those old feelings kick up. The old behavior of self sabotaging myself wants me to quit and resolve this the old fashion way. The new me knows better and knows that if I choose that route I will only lose in the end. I have grown and will continue to grow as long as I keep the focus and stay on this path. If I choose to allow the fear and negativity to take precedence then all bets are off. Jails and institutions are a part of my past but if I am not vigilant they can also be a part of my future. I do not ever wish to be deprived of my freedom ever again.

Depression is real and I am suffering from feelings of depression lately. I know the effects of depression and the thought process that can lead me to think that all this is not worth it anymore. I’ve been down this road before in active addiction but it’s totally different fighting it clean. I am grateful that I have a program, tools and people who love and support me. I am also thankful that I am in touch with my Higher Power and have some faith and spiritual principles to help guide me through the tough times. The devil is a liar and will try to come at me any way it can especially when I am at a weak point. I am so grateful that knowing that is half the battle. Sharing and continuing to move forward is the other. I will keep moving forward and not allow the past to take me prisoner again.

I will continue to talk about it, scream about it and even kick and stomp about it. BUT I SURE AS HELL WON’T USE ABOUT IT. This too shall pass.
Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease