GRATITUDE

Good morning

I have GRATITUDE in my attitude today for the blessings I have received. I am practicing acceptance of who I am today. Who I was yesterday and who I am willing to become. I thank God the higher power of my understanding for all he has done for me. I know that none of this would be possible without him.

I am thankful that today I can see change in my life and can accept the fact that its gradually happening and I am satisfied with my progress. I know that instant gratification can only lead to destruction.  Just for Today I am willing to Give Time, Time. This is not a race and I am in competition with no one.

I am thankful that I have another sponsor. That I have been given another opportunity to be guided in this process and this time I will take full advantage of it. I will be open to suggestions and willing to let people help me. This is a big step for me because I lack trust in people but change begins and ends with me.

I am grateful that just for today I can be there for people.  I can show up when someone is in need. I am learning how to be a real friend and it feels great to be responsible to others as well as becoming responsible to myself. Just for today I am willing to accept this responsibility.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Good evening everyone

I always start my day thanking God for waking me and then reading some scriptures and then the Just For Today and the corresponding page in the basic text.

I am learning how to get through my feelings without using. Today I choose to use the tools I have picked up along the way in my short time in recovery. Today I choose to use my sponsor instead of trying to do it alone. I am grateful for my first sponsor who I have learned a few things from even though I didn’t utilize his experience the way I should have. I didn’t realize how closed minded I was. I thought I had surrendered and was open minded and willing but it was my diease tricking me into believing the lies. I am grateful for the seed he planted.

I have been given a assignment by my new sponsor.  It was suggested that I pick a slogan and at the end of the week we will discuss how it was applied to my life. This week I chose This Too Shall Pass. I chose this slogan as a reminder that any and all feelings that I will experience will eventually pass and that as long as I do not feed the monster it will eventually subside. If its persistent call someone to help me get past it
(I still need to work on the calling part). I just continue to tell myself this too shall pass and say a prayer, the Serenity Prayer.

I feel a sense of gratitude today that I haven’t felt since my first days in NA back in 2011. It feels good to finally be back on track and following the suggested guidelines.

Thank the God of my understanding for guiding me back.

REVEAL THE REAL

Good evening everyone

I am starting to form the habit of thanking the God of my understanding for everything. I am also starting to pray during the day and not just in the morning and evening. I am trying to establish a solid foundation with my higher power.

Iam also starting to share my feelings and thoughts not just the surface stuff but gut level and as honest as I can. Honesty is not easy for me being a liar all my life but I am making a effort and that’s a start.

I have heard it said that if I want what the experienced members have I have to do what the experienced members do. So I have been modeling my recovery after a few members who’s recovery I admire. I am feeling confident that as long as I follow the few simple guidelines of the fellowship that I too can recover. I am willing to do the work necessary.

I am working towards another 90/90 and I have 37 days back in the process. Gratitude is felt whenever I make meetings because I know it didn’t have to be this way. I keep that fact up front. I hear the stories every day of people who do not make it back. Just for today I do not want to be one of them. I am thankful for the people who stood by me and continue to support me in my efforts at staying clean.

I finally understand what they mean when they say you are only as sick as your secrets. And that you should have at least one person that you can feel comfortable enough with to reveal the real you. I am building relationships today and have such a person in my network.  For this I am truly grateful.

Thank you for letting me share and thank you for being on this journey with me.

Peace and Blessings

Eric
Ease

RELIVING THE PAST

Good evening

Today I went through some feelings and I have come to believe it when they say This Too Shall Pass

6 years ago today the day after Thanksgiving I went on a binge that cost me a job with Con Edison. Today was the first time since that episode that I had a flashback and I actually wanted to use. I couldn’t seem to shake reliving it.

I am grateful that I was able to share about it and let it go. Today was a rough day but I got through it using the tools of the program and praying to my higher power for strength.  Thanks for letting me share.

THANKSGIVING

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I am grateful that they have marathon meetings on Thanksgiving because I had nowhere else to go.

I am forced to take a long hard look at myself and the life I’ve lived. I have caused more harm than good. I have been selfish and self centered the majority of my life. I am forced to sit here alone and deal with the feelings of loneliness. I am saddened at the outcome that is my life.

Although the above statement is true I know that its not too late to turn things around. I have been given a second chance at life. I have taken this opportunity for granted many times because I still wanted to do things my way and would not surrender to the fact that my life is unmanageable. I still held the belief that I could control the outcomes and manipulate situations to my benefit.  Its that thinking that has led me time and time again to using.

I thank the God of my understanding for another chance to change and I am taking it seriously.  I know that I am not in control. I know that doing things my way leads to disaster. I know that I cannot do this alone. I know that I have to do the work and learn to take suggestions as just that a suggestion.  I know that people are not trying to hurt me when they make suggestions. I know that I have to take a leap of faith and trust the people who have been there and done that. I know its not all about me and that I need to get involved because I am only going to get out of recovery what I put into it.

I finally feel like I am ready to do what is necessary to maintain and progress in this process. I know that its not a race and this is my process and it will happen in God’s time not my own and I am willing to take it one day at a time.

This has been and will continue to be a learning experience. I feel excited and I have faith that as long as I follow this way I have nothing to fear.

My actions will speak for me.

Peace and Blessings

Eric

THE REVOLVING DOOR

Good evening everyone.

I thank God for allowing me another opportunity to get back on the right track. I am back with 26 days clean.

I haven’t posted in awhile because I let my addiction tell me that this is stupid and I waste of time. That no one gives a fuck about what I post because I can’t stay clean.

After giving it some thought I realized that I don’t write my blog for others. I write this blog to document my feelings, attitudes and behaviors. To have memories when I go back and read it. These are my memoirs. This is MY journal about MY journey. This blog is not for entertainment purposes or for anyone’s amusement.

With that out the way

Today November 20th 2013 was a day of mixed emotions. I always start my day thanking God for waking me. Since coming back I have been developing a new habit of reading the JFT and the corresponding page in The Basic Text. Then I read some daily scriptures that I have sent to me on You Vision. Then I log in to my recovery groups on Facebook and post and respond to posts in my group From Struggle to Strength and another group called The Ship. After all that is done I get ready for work.

Today at work was like every day frustrating. I have good moments but I have more bad ones than good I am starting to realize. I do not handle my emotions well and that makes for a rough day. As a addict what ever I am feeling turns to anger and frustration because I still cannot identify my feelings. I think at this point I am also mourning drugs because I am aggressive and irritable all day. I snap at people and am always being mean.

I recognize this and I know that not using plays a part but I also know that I have been like this all my life. I’ve had anger issues since I was a child and have paid the price more times than I care to mention. Its one of my character defects that I pray to be removed. It has been suggested to me to start a journal and since I already have my blog this is where I choose to keep track of my feelings daily.

After work I went to my homegroup and the topic was Honesty. I shared honestly how I don’t know how to stay clean and live life on lifes terms. How I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say because I can’t stay clean. I don’t know how to stay out of my head and I don’t know how to love myself. Sometimes I think I set my expectations too high in meetings but I am grateful for the people that did reach out to me. I felt hurt but I will keep coming back and make my foundation stronger with people who will reach out. JFT its ok. I will deal with the feeling of loneliness and isolation in that meeting and push through until I feel a part of. I will keep coming and I will remember that no matter what I am feeling I don’t have to use behind it.

Poem

Im counting days again and I feel great, now i know its never too late.
I’ve changed my ways and move in stride,
and oh so grateful that I survived.
God above and Goddess below,
saw it fit to save my soul.
Now hear this message to you my friends,
with drugs there’s only ever three ends, jails, institutions, and death…
are you really ready to take your last breath?
They trick you into a love affair,
looking backs almost to much to bare,
I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done,
but I’ve come to realize it wasn’t fun.
Feeling stuck as if walking on tar,
look at my arms and see the scar.
a reminder forever that the past is real,
And that it really is OK to feel…
Don’t cover it up in a drugged up haze,
your going to miss the best of days.
There is no cure for this disease,
but there are ways to feel at ease.
put down the drugs trust me its tough,
but one is too many and a thousands never enough.
I know its true, I can’t save the world,
But what the hell I can give it a whirl.
You don’t have to wait till you hit rock bottom,
GO to an NA meeting every towns got em.
I hope to see some of your faces,
in what now have become my familiar places.
Everything will get better if you try,
otherwise you could very well die.
please Live life on life’s terms,
It’s the hard times from which we learn.
But I’m moving forward with this last line…..
always remember

“one day at a time”

Hello, my name is DRUGS,

I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that’s just the start. I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. And if you need me, remember I’m easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me, you’ll see. But if you do, you may NEVER break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul. When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in my arms. You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad. When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised, I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate friends. I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side. You’ll give up everything… your family, your home… your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone. I’ll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane. I’ll ravish your body; I’ll control your mind. I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed, the voices you’ll hear from inside your head. The sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me. But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away. If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I’ll be your master; you will be my slave, I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL!

Author unknown

WILLINGNESS

Hello family. Its been about 2 weeks since my last post. First and foremost I thank God for allowing me to be with you all clean and healthy. For this I am truly grateful.

I have been looking at my life and monitoring my behaviors trying to notice any patterns and I have uncovered plenty. Although I am not using drugs I find that I use other things still seeking instant gratification. I have been attempting to make a conscious change in those behaviors.

I am willing to do what is necessary today and believe me it is not easy. I know that no one ever said it would be but being an addict I want the easy way out. I want results without having to do any work. I know that in reality I am still trying to control that which I have no control over and the reality is unmanageability and powerlessness.

Every time I try to control a situation or an outcome the situation becomes magnified and blows up in my face so why do I continue to try right. Good question. I know that it is part of my character defects and they do not go away over night.

Willingness to change these defects is a start and making a conscious decision to actually make the changes and then putting it into action is necessary and key. Fear keeps me repeating the same things. Change is scary but I cannot go over, under or around it. I have to work through it.

Today I will continue to practice working through and not running away from change.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Peace and blessings

Eric Nam

CHANGE

Good morning family.  I thank God for his guidance. I am grateful to be able to be among the living today.

I am reminded on this hot 4th of July weekend of the many years I spent running the streets of Brooklyn, NY at this time of the year. Summer time was and still is a trigger for me. All the cookouts and block parties used to mean drinking and using. As time went on and I began to drift away from family and friends summer still meant the same I just didn’t associate with others.

I struggle at times to stay out of my head. Its difficult sometimes to not think about the good times I used to have using.  But what’s even harder is to add the misery that came afterwards. Remembering the good times but not playing the whole so called tape has caused me much grief in the past and still does to this day. I am learning that I do not have to continue to relive my past and I am working on settling up and moving on.

Its a lot easier said than done but I am not alone and that makes it just a little bit better. I know that my past has harmed me by continuing to open the door and letting it back in. I need to pay special attention to those times when I find myself dwelling in that dark place and take the corrective measures tto exit stage right before disaster strikes.

In my process its been the exact meaning of insanity. Doing the same things expecting different results. Better yet doing the same things knowing the results and doing them anyway thinking by chance something will change.

Nothing changes if I stay the same. Faith without putting in the work is false hope. I will put forth a conscious effort to change and maintain the changes I make in my attitude and behaviors today. With the help of my higher power God, The Fellowship of NA, my sponsor and network I know life is gonna get better.

Thank you for all your support.

Peace and blessings.

Eric aka NAM