BACK 2 WORK

October 31, 2012

Hello and God bless you

Today I went back to work and it was crazy getting there. I left my house at 6:30am had to take 2 buses then walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and then take another bus but that bus never came so I walked 37 blocks to get to my job. Going home was even worse but I made it home safe and sound. All together I spent 7 hours in travel alone but God has guided me home and continues to show me how much better off I am living his will and not my own.

I’m grateful to have a job to go to and will be even more grateful when the subways are back up and running. The Gov just announced that partial subway service will resume at 6am tomorrow morning. YAY! That’s a beautiful thing.

As the devastation from Sandy continues to be revealed I begin to realize how much I take things for granted. I will practice gratitude for the blessings that I have and not complain as much about things which in reality are minor to say the least.

On another note my friend is safe and I couldn’t be more grateful. I finally spoke to her today and am very happy that I did. God has brought her into my life right when I needed someone. She understands me and I her. I thank God for crossing our paths. It’s devine intervention one day at a time.

Peace and blessings

NAM

STAYING ODAAT

October 30, 2012

Hello and God bless you. Thank you for reading my blog.

Today is a sad day all across the tri-state area. Hurricane Sandy has left a trail of destruction and death. I pray for all those affected by this storm.

I feel pretty good today. I am grateful to God for waking me up clean, healthy and safe. I am a bit saddened because the subway is still not running and power is still out in Manhattan so I am unable to go to work. Yes I want to go to work. I am suffering a little from cabin fever. Lol.

Not only am I not able to go to work but I am unable to make meetings as well. I have been reading my literature and doing Step 1 work but I need to make meetings. I know that its not my fault, that I have no control over this situation and I have to deal with life on lifes terms and I will. I can’t help but miss meetings though.

I am concerned for family and friends I do not have phone service right now and it is affecting me. It helps me to see the unmanageability of my life because of my usage. The powerlessness I feel right now is a reminder of why I have to turn my life around. The damage that I caused myself and others is inexcusable. I am particularly concerned for my new friend. I have not been able to reach her since yesterday. I pray she is ok.

In the meantime in between time I will continue reading my literature and working on my Step 1 and continue praying and having faith in my higher power which I choose to call God.

HURRICANE SANDY III

WOW is all I can say. Sandy is really wreaking havoc all over the city. The worst of it of course is by the coastal areas but its winds are fierce and causing problems in the inland too. We have a crane collapse on 57th St. We have a partial bldg collapse on 14th & 8th Ave. Trees are down all over the place and power outages due to transformers exploding  everywhere. I pray that all those people who were told to evacuate and didn’t are ok.

I feel grateful that I am not in affected areas. I went outside and the wind is strong and the rain is coming down sideways. I don’t have a phone right now and I have been conversating with a new friend I met on a pay phone. I will remember this day years from now when we talk about how we met. I say remember when I came outside in a hurricane just so I could call you and hear your voice. Lol. That’s better than flowers.

Waking up to widespread devastation. NYC is in a state of emergency. There are power outages all across the city, massive flooding on the streets and in the subway tunnels. As a result there is still no trains or buses running. I am stranded at home. Buildings are burning down to the ground and at least 14 deaths have been blamed on Sandy so far.

HURRICANE SANDY II

October 29, 2012

Hello and God bless you.

Hurricane Sandy is about to hit the city, there is no subway or bus service. It is very, very windy and the rain is starting to get heavy. NYC is handling their business. The news is informative, government officials have emergency precautions in place and seem to be ahead in this storm. Of course evacuations have been put in place and of course some folks aren’t listening. I will pray for them. Looks like a nasty storm and I am safe and sound watching it on TV for now. I hope my power doesn’t go out.

As I stated no trains or buses so I am unable to make a meeting today but that doesn’t mean I am not getting a dose of recovery. I have been reading from It works How & Why and I started on Step 1 again. So I am still doing the work necessary to stay clean. I feel very good about my commitment to put my recovery first and have been doing just that. I am grateful that God has guided me to seeing that this is my season for change. I feel confident that I can do this as long as I stay connected and practice the principals in all areas of my life.

I surrender to the fact that I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable again. I realize that in no way can I control my using, it is impossible. I have no reservation that I can use successfully any mind or mood altering substance. I understand that I will have to practice living the program for the rest of my life therefore recovery is now my life. Everything else has to come second if I am going to be able to live. If I decide to take back my will I WILL DIE. its just that simple. I look at this as my last chance to change. I will make new friends in recovery and do things that help me to move forward. I will no longer associate with the old so called friends who are still doing the same things and going nowhere.

Today is a new day and its time to live a new way.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

A NEW SPARK

October 26, 2012

Good morning and God bless you.

I thank God for waking me up clean today. I am feeling happy and free as the hours are turning into days. I am finding that making meetings are a very big help and making them after work helps tremendously. I am slowly become more sure of myself and know that it is all due to living my higher powers will for me.

Today I am paying more attention to how I am feeling and behaving. I am taking the suggestions of others and I am reading my literature. I am expressing myself in meetings and talking 1 on 1 with others after meetings. I am back in my online groups sharing as well. I am proud of myself and my new outlook on life. I am working my program at my own pace and I like it.

I met someone on FB and we have been talking lately. It’s amazing to me how much we have in common but most important is she is in recovery and serious about hers. I like that. I will remember to keep my focus and try hard not to get ahead of myself or start projecting scenarios and outcomes like I normally do. I will continue to practice living One day at a time and practice the principals in all my affairs.

I finally feel like I can actually do this as long as I stay connected I believe that all will be well. God has given me a new spark and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

VIGOROUS APPLICATION

October 27, 2012

Good evening and God bless you.

First and foremost I am grateful to my higher power God for guiding me today because every meeting I tried to attend was no longer there. After the 3rd one I started feeling like a man without a home for a minute but it passed. I have a meeting locator book that needs to be tossed. I have to see tomorrow if anyone has a updated book.

I am truly grateful that I was not going through something because I would have been in trouble. The reason I say that is because I don’t have a phone at the moment either due to the wreckage of my last run. I thank God for guiding me and keeping me strong enough to continue to live his will and not my own.

Today I was batting 0 for 3 for meetings. So I used the other tools that I had available. I listened to my TD Jakes sermons, I read the literature in the basic text and of course writing in my blog.

I also have been calling
(on a pay phone) my new friend. I like talking to her. She is smart, funny and she listens and offers good advice. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I know they say not to get involved with anyone in the first year of recovery but I disagree. She is in recovery also and in my opinion she will be a strong source of support. We actually spoke about this topic yesterday. We talk about a lot of things not just recovery. I like her style. 

So my 90 in 90 has been broken but not because of a lack of trying so I feel good about that and I am still on track. I will make 2 meetings tomorrow to make up for today. I am feeling better and more connected everyday that I do not use.
I am a member of NA and I will succeed and make new friends.
Thank God for today makes day 12 clean.

One day at a time.

Peace and blessings

NAM

HURRICANE SANDY I

October 28, 2012

Hello and God bless you.

I thank God for sending the Angels to guide and protect me today. I am grateful that through his power I am staying on the path. I am doing the work necessary to maintain and survive while continuing to live his will for me.

I went to my first NA meeting in my hometown of Brooklyn, NY this morning and I am so glad that I did. It was a anniversary celebration and it was awesome. I was able to get in touch with some feelings and relate like never before. I will be making this meeting every Sunday from here on out. I really enjoyed the speakers they really carried the message and I can say that I came out of that meeting feeling great.

One thing that really stuck out was one brother who shared about how mammals always travel in herds, packs, flocks etc. And how whenever one leaves the herd and goes his own way how something bad always happens. Like the birds that fly South and one bird decides he wants to fly North but dies because it gets cold and lonely. Then he connected it to addicts we travel in groups and whenever we decide to do things our way and go at it alone how we relapse. WE LEFT THE HERD (GROUP). It was awesome. I made the connection immediately.

Everytime I decide to put my wants ahead of my need for meetings I am leaving the HERD. And relapse is inevitable. It has happened 4 times already so I know now that it is true. I cannot recover successfully without making meetings and staying connected. I am grateful God woke me up to make that meeting. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

On another note my second choice for a meeting today was cancelled due to Hurricane Sandy. I can remember in my active addiction coming out in hurricanes, snow storms whatever to get my drugs. I was upset that the meeting was cancelled when the weather was nowhere near dangerous. What happened to no matter what.

Not only has the meeting been cancelled but NYC is under a severe storm watch, certain areas are under mandatory evacuation and the subway system is being shutdown at 7 pm. This is looking like a very serious storm for us.

I will be praying for all who live close to the coast line. May God bless us all. I will keep you posted.

Peace and blessings

NAM

MY SEASON

October 25, 2012

Good morning and God bless you.

God woke me up today and I am grateful. I am feeling really good even though I have not slept more than 4-5 hours each night this week. I am not complaining because as I said I am grateful. I am clean, healthy, have a job to go to and a program in my life. I am stoked because I am feeling like I am finally ready to let go of the past, focus on what needs to be done today and my faith is growing. I am making meetings and finally molding my life around making meetings. Just for today it is working just like people in the rooms said it would. I feel at peace and its all due to the grace of my higher power.

I feel I am ready to move on. I am truly sick and tired of the way I have been living and I know that there is a better way. God is guiding me and I am living his will for me and not my own. I know this is a process and not a race. I will remember to take it one day or even one minute at a time. Slow and steady is how I am rolling.

I am eager to make meetings and look forward to making 90 in 90. I have 9 days clean and sober. From Stuggle to Strength is my motto from here on out. Gratitude fills my Attitude. I will learn to Love and Forgive myself and others. I truly believe that now is my season. I will end all old, unhealthy relationships with people who are not moving in the same direction as me. People who I thought were my friends but I have come to realize don’t give a shit about me are dead and stinking. They do not have my best interest at heart and we have nothing in common other than drugs. Those relations have run there course and their season in my life is officially OVER.

BYE BYE HATERS.

I will open myself to making new friends. I have issues with meeting new people but I am willing to work through them. I need help in this area and will seek the help I need. Time to grow up establish healthy relationships, face my fears, change negative behaviors to positive ones and learn how to live life.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Peace and blessings

NAM

BAD DECISIONS

October 16, 2012

Hello and God Bless You.

I guess by now you know that I’ve done it again. For the umpteenth time I went and took my will back and made a decision to go out and use. I say a decision because that’s exactly what it was. Nobody forced me to do it. I wasn’t kidnapped and told use this or die. I wasn’t forced to cop drugs, by a new stem and lighter or light up. I made a decision and of course once again it has proved to be the wrong decision.

I have a serious problem that I still have not fully come to grips with or understand. It’s not like I don’t already know the consequences. It’s not like I don’t already know my life will either slowly or quickly spin outta control and become not only unmanageable but unbearable. It’s not like I haven’t been down this road before because I have.

It’s crazy because they say if you knew better you do better but that doesn’t seem to apply when it comes to me. Insanity is said to be doing the same thing expecting different results. So what do you call doing the same thing knowing the results??
STUPIDITY.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not trying hard enough. No I am not really trying at all to stay clean. The minute things get uncomfortable or hard I give up. That’s the story of my life and of all the things that I have changed in my life the one major thing that needs to be changed remains the same. As a direct result I continue to go down that same path, listening to myself tell myself the same lies.

I am my biggest cheerleader, my biggest critic and my worse enemy. It is time for me to pee or get off the pot. I am tired of not being able to accumulate mere days of cleantime.

I am making a commitment right here right now that from this day forward I will work harder, put my recovery first and participate in my own recovery. No more excuses.

FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

CONTINUOUS SURRENDER

Good morning and God bless you.

God grant me the serenity. Those 5 words are my daily prayer. Of course the whole serenity prayer is powerful in itself but the first 5 words I repeat so often throughout the day that it has become my favorite verse.

Today I am learning so much about my disease of addiction. It’s amazing how much I thought I knew and come to realize that I don’t. Addiction is tricky and I know that the minute I think I got a handle on it is when my addiction reminds me that I will NEVER have a handle on this. Control is something that in active addiction I always had to have. Or at least thought I had. In recovery I am learning to surrender those feelings and thoughts of always wanting to control situations. I am learning there are people, places and things that are going to happen that I cannot control and I am learning to be at peace with that. Who woulda thought that would ever be possible.

Now don’t get me wrong. I said I am LEARNING, not I have learned. Lol there are still times when I want my way or the highway. Times when I feel like I know it all and you can’t tell me nothing. Times when I want to prove that I’m right and you are wrong. That’s when I try to remember to pray…

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY.

Today thanks to God my Higher Power, the fellowship, my sponsor and all the good people I have met in and out of recovery I am learning. I am changing. I am believing and achieving. My process has been a slow one and that’s ok because I have learned we recover at different rates and this is not a race its a life long process. It’s a life long learning experience. I had my UPS and my DOWNS probably more than anyone else, and there are those who try to knock me because I have relapsed several times saying I don’t really want recovery, or I’m not ready. Well to you I say Thank you for sharing.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY.

Don’t judge me until you take time and talk to me.

Surrender is not easy for me but I am learning that it is necessary if I am to succeed. I have also learned that surrender happens continuously throughout the day. It’s not a one time thing you just say and it happens. Surrender take practice and I am learning, practicing and will continue to until it becomes a habit like the ones I am trying to break.

Peace and Blessings

NAM