STRANGE

Hello everyone.  I thank God for waking me and you for reading my blog. God bless you.

This past week I went through a range of feelings. Some identifiable some not. First and foremost I want to thank my friends Vanessa and Heidi for inviting me to hangout with them Saturday. I had a great time. I am beginning to see and understand that in NA we really do have fun and that I really don’t need to use drugs to accomplish that. I have to admit that using hasn’t been fun for a long time.

Lately I have been feeling really strange. I have been feeling not only lonely but also afraid,  bored,  curious,  sad, happy, and anxious to name a few. At times I find myself wondering what to do. I am trying to find ways to fill the void. At times I have no clue what to do with myself. When I feel like this I make meetings and read the literature today. Before I would get frustrated and my addiction would go to work on getting me back…and it usually didn’t take much because using was all I knew.

Recovery is new to me and it takes some getting used to. I realize now only because I am truly doing some work this time that my addiction really is cunning and baffling. Mysterious is a understatement. But one thing I know for sure is using is not the answer for this I am grateful. I have also come to believe that all feelings DO pass. I have experienced it first hand.

Today I am practicing denying myself those urges to use when I have nothing to do. Actually its more habit than a urge. The obsession to use has been lifted. I no longer feel the urge to use but the thoughts still come and go. I thank my higher power which I choose to call God for this. Plus the fact that I am a MEMBER of NA and not just a member because I make meetings.  I am a member because I am actually working the program to the best of my ability. I know that nothing is possible without God so I am working on a more conscious contact with him.

The strange feelings come and go I do not act off impulse I wait patiently, pray, call people and make meetings and talk about how I feel. It works. I take suggestions and most importantly

I DO NOT USE.

Its scary and uncomfortable and there are times when I doubt if I can make it. My addiction tells me I am not worthy,  that I am wasting my time,  that I am a failure and will fail at recovery too but just for today I am not buying it. Thanks to learning to listen I know how to deal with those thoughts. I am better equipped to handle situations when they arise. Today I choose not to use no matter how strange I feel. It too shall pass.

Thank you for all your support. 

Peace and blessings

Eric

FEELINGS

Good evening God bless you.

I always start my day thanking God for waking me up and waking me up clean.
In my active addiction I would not thank anyone for anything. All I ever did was take, take and take some more. I was void of any feelings other than self gratification. I understand now how my behaviors and attitudes affected everyone around me and am beginning to understand what part my feelings played.

Today clean I go through a host of feelings that I cannot identify. When I was active I had the same problem but in my confusion I would get frustrated and then that would just lead to anger and using behind the feelings. What ever the feelings where it didnt matter I would get high. Anger is the only feeling I ever understood. Today being clean it is difficult to identify the feelings but I do not get frustrated or angry. I try to understand or identify the feelings and if I cannot I share about it. I do not run and use.

There are times when I might be happy for awhile or I might get frustrated or feel tired but not to the point where it consumes me and makes me want to use. In the past I used no matter how I felt.  I am grateful for the growth in that department. I understand that its just a feeling and it will pass. Even if I cannot identify it.

I have to admit that lately I have been feeling a little strange because things are going so well. Thats the failure in me crying out for attention..NOT TODAY FAILURE. When ever things are going good in my life my addictive behaviors try to crash the party and make me think I dont deserve it. It has been the story of my life. Usually I fall for the BS and go to cop something. Today I am sharing this with you and everyone else. I will not fall victim to the BS. Today I tell on my disease I wont become ab prisoner to it again.

I have lost a lot. I don’t mean material things either. I lost a lot of years. Time is something I can never get back but I can change how I spend my time from this day forward. Today I choose to do what I have never done instead of what I’ve always done. I understand that if I keep going where I’ve always gone. I will keep getting what I’ve always got. Instead of the usual Pain, Misery and Suffering. Today I look forward to the Happy Joyous and Free.

Today I will continue to practice facing  my feelings head on and deal with them instead of fearing them and returning to being a prisoner to them.

Peace and blessings

ERIC

THE MESSAGE IS HOPE.

Grateful to have another day clean.

I wake up everyday and thank my higher power for another day clean because I know that its because of his grace and mercy and it didn’t have to be this way. I also say a prayer for the still sick and suffering addicts as well. I pray they find their way home.

I woke up with a sense of freedom this morning that I have never felt. I am so grateful to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with all of you. I finally can say that the lightbulb is on and shining bright. It is all because of God, NA and all of the support and encouragement I receive from you.

I went to a group anniversary last night. It was a meeting and a dance afterwards. I have never been to a dance and not used so at first I felt a little awkward. In time that feeling passed and I was able to enjoy the rewards of being clean and around people who have found a new way of living. I had the time of my life and I did it without the use of drugs which was a new experience in itself.

I woke up with a new belief that I can do this. I woke up without a hangover, hotbox or a pasty mouth. I woke up without the guilt and embarrassment. I woke up early and made a meeting and shared my gratitude with everyone. I am feeling really confident about my new way of life. I am learning how to live just by showing up, making meetings, listening and sharing. I am following the suggestions of my sponsor, grand sponsor and the other predecessors in the rooms. Utilizing my higher power and most importantly not picking up.

The message is clear. An addict any addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use drugs and find a new way to live. If I can do it after using for 36 years so can you.

Today is a new day. I am grateful to have found a new way of live.

I LOVE NA

Peace and blessings

ERIC

SEARCHING FOR ME

Hello family. I hope that at the time you are reading this everything is great in your world. God bless you.

I thank God for waking me, guiding me and protecting me today.

Not to long ago I wouldn’t have said anything like this. I was all about me. I was self centered and so self destructive. I was hopeless, faithless, useless and feeling worthless. I was deep in depression and just plain lost. I felt like life was not worth living anymore and I had thoughts of killing myself everyday. I couldn’t believe that God let all the things I was going through happen to me and I was very bitter. I blamed everyone for my dilemma and took no responsibility for my circumstances what so ever.

I was in deep denial. I lived in a fantasy world. Isolated from anyone and everyone. If you didn’t use drugs I didn’t have much conversation for you and in the end I didn’t have much conversation for people who used either. My addiction took me to the depths of hell but I couldn’t see it. Nobody wanted me around due to my unpredictable nature plus the fact I was a liar and a thief. I didn’t care. Who needs them anyway is what I would say. I always put on a front and acted like I didn’t care but deep down inside I was hurting because all I ever wanted to do was fit in. I only wanted someone to like me.

When I was a child I did things to get attention. As a teenager and well into adulthood I did things to fit in, to be accepted. I always looked for approval from others because I didn’t like or approve of who I was. I never took the time to get to know who I really am. I didn’t like how I looked as a child I was a skinny kid with big eyes. I was and still am my hardest critic.

I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the picture.

So like I said I had been having thoughts of killing myself. I wanted to die but just was to much of a coward to actually do it. I thank God for planting the NA seed in my mind  back in December of 2010. He knew I was at the end of the road but he had other plans for me.

Even though I came into the rooms in January 2011 I still went back out several times thinking I knew a better way to use. I realize after several attempts that I cannot win and so that being said I finally surrendered.

The last run made me realize that I was totally out of control and it was time to do something about it. I came back to the rooms and have been here fighting for my life ever since. I have been making meetings EVERYDAY, working the steps, reading the literature and sharing honestly. I am chipping away at the layers of deception and stripping the masks away one day at a time. I have accepted who I am and I have been asking for and receiving help from my sponsor and NA family. I know how to offer advice and help others, now I am learning to do those things for me.

I have many new friends today who are here for me whenever I need them. I now believe that I am not alone and never have to be again.

FOR THIS I AM TRULY GRATEFUL.

Peace and blessings

NAM.

THANKFUL

Hello and God bless you.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I am thankful. Not for the reasons the average person is thankful but for recovery. I am so grateful to God for his mercy. I am living clean, I have a family and I have an extended family in recovery.

I love my family even though for years I didn’t show it. Due to my addiction I have done some things like stealing from them, fighting with them and being distant from them. Usually around this time of the year I would be high out of my mind and not thinking about my family. I wouldn’t call or go to be with them for the holidays. (or any other time of the year keeping it real.)

This year its different. I woke up feeling very thankful that I am alive and clean. I sent text messages to friends and family and I called my mom and aunt. I stayed on the phone for a long time too. I usually don’t like to but I did. I have to get used to talking to people on the phone. It’s one of the tools of recovery. I will work on that.

I went to a holiday marathon meeting and shared my thankfulness. I am grateful to the fellowship of NA for having meetings on holidays because they can be pretty scary and lonely sometimes. My family did not get together yesterday so the marathon meeting was a blessing. I will be with them for Christmas and I will also make a marathon meeting then too.

I am feeling really blessed to still be alive and I will not take it for granted anymore. Life is short and I have wasted enough of my life using. Today starts a new beginning, a new way of living. I will be thankful for all the blessings I have received and will receive.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Peace and blessings

NAM

I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OTHERS ACTIONS

I ONLY HAVE CONTROL OVER HOW I RESPOND TO THOSE ACTIONS!

Hello and God bless you.

I thank God for everything in my life today. I am truly grateful to be alive and clean. I have been granted another chance at living a life with purpose. I no longer feel the need to be in control. The truth is I was never in control but insanely out of control.

I always thought that I had everything under control when I was active. Wow what a rude awakening. I can remember thinking I was a master manipulator, con man or whatever. Little did I know that I wasn’t. I was a pain in the ass to most, obnoxious to others and just all around fool to everyone. I thank God for opening my eyes.

Today I practice the principals of NA. I live one day at a time, take suggestions, do stepwork and make meetings everyday. I love the way I feel. It wasn’t always this way. I am learning that I have no control over certain situations and no control over other people, their actions or their responses. I do however have control over the way I respond to people and their actions.

I will not use today because someone hurts my feelings. I used to run and get high over the smallest things. Today is different. I am growing and I am proud of myself for how I am handling life on lifes terms. I just recently displayed my growth and actually realize that recovery really doesn’t equal cleantime. It’s sad but I have no control over it so I have given it up to God. I know one thing..

I WILL NOT USE OVER IT.

I guess its true some people are placed in your life just to get you to the next level. Thank you Sara for helping me get there.

Peace and blessings

NAM

GRATITUDE

Good morning and God bless you.

Today I am grateful for I am clean. It didn’t have to be this way but my higher power God saw fit to give me yet another opportunity to get my life together.

I have been struggling with staying clean and I’ve come to realize that I made recovering harder than it needed to be. I would pick and choose what suggestions I would take, I wouldn’t read the literature or do any step work. I would skip meetings because of work or any other excuse I could find not to go. I would not call my sponsor or anyone who could help me through the tough times. I wasn’t as open minded as I would have everyone think. Dishonesty was still a factor and I paid the price for all of those things by returning to active addiction time and time again.

Today is different. I have a new outlook on my recovery. Yes my recovery. I no longer look outside myself at everyone else to solve my issues. I am learning to take responsibility for my actions and responses. I am focusing on putting my recovery first and making my life revolve around my recovery. After all I am responsible for my own recovery no one else. I have been making meetings regularly and doing my step 1 work. I have been reading the literature and reaching out to people. I have been consistent and it is paying off.

I am by no means saying that I changed all of this on my own. I am no fool. I know that it is through the grace of God that I have found the strength and courage to endure. I am grateful to have a second (5th) chance to turn my life around. I will continue to live his will for me one day or hour or minute at a time. I pray for guidance and take my time waiting for it. I no longer rush through things…Well I am practicing not rushing through things, and it is working with the help of God, the fellowship and my network.

I continue to practice doing the right thing. I am happier today than I have been in a long time. I believe now that I can recover as long as I follow the simple guidelines laid out in the program of NA. I am in a fight for my life for the rest of my life. I am willing to do what ever it takes to go the distance.

Today is the beginning of a new and better life and for this I am grateful.

Peace and blessings

NAM

FAITH & GRATITUDE

Good morning and God bless you.

I am ever so grateful to be alive and clean this morning. I thank God for his guidance, courage and strength. I have faith that with him everything is possible and without him nothing is. Today I will continue to practice being grateful for the things I have and am able to do.

I am sending prayers to all affected by what they are now calling Superstorm Sandy not Hurricane Sandy. I still have not heard anything from my family out in Far Rockaway but I have faith that God is taking care of them and they are alright.

I have been making it my business to make meetings and taking the suggestions. I am tired of living in the insanity which has been my life for way too long. I know that I need to change the things I do and the way I think so I am open and willing to try another way. I feel a lot better for it to. I will continue to share honestly and listen intently. I have been reaching out to people and I will get better at it as time goes on. I still struggle with making new friends but I know that as long as I show up eventually it will become easier.

I will remember to practice gratitude and not complain about minor things and try not to complain at all. This will be my goal for today. As I am also practicing living one day at a time. Things are getting better and will continue to as long as I stay connected.

Peace and blessings

NAM

I LOVE NA

Good morning and God bless you.

I thank God for everything that is taking place in my life today. I woke feeling energized and ready to have a great day. I have been feeling like this for the last couple of days and I am truly grateful.

Not to long ago I felt just the opposite. I was feeling low, angry, tired and plain miserable. I was using again and I couldn’t stop. My life was spiraling out of control once again.

Being caught up in the grips of addiction is the most horrible feeling and causes me to act the same way I feel. I become a monster with no care or concern for anyone. I keep that up front today. I will not allow the lies to tell me anything different. When I’m using, I am losing. Period.

Being in recovery I feel great. The love and hope that I have been experiencing has helped me to finally realize that this way, the NA way, is the best way for me. I have come to terms with this and truly, truly believe that I cannot and will not make it if I decide to stray away from the fellowship.

I have finally come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. That I can actually live a somewhat normal life. That drugs do not make me feel better but worse. That I can make it if I stay.

I will work on creating a new network of positive people who can help me and guide me towards that goal. I have made a commitment to myself and to God and I have been working hard at keeping that commitment. I know there is a better life for me and I will live that life one day at a time.

Peace and blessings

NAM

TRULY BLESSED

November 1, 2012

Good morning and God Bless You.

I thank God for waking me up clean, healthy and free from the horrors of my active addiction. I am truly grateful and feeling blessed to be where I am at in my recovery today. God has and continues to show me that by living his will and not my own that there are blessings awaiting.

First and foremost the clarity of mind. The noise in my head is starting to quiet down and the obsession to use has also. Secondly the compulsive behavior is also not as bad, slowly but surely I am starting to feel and behave differently. I can see change happening already. God has guided me and I have been working hard at following his directions.

I have also been blessed to have met someone who knows exactly what I am going through, has been there herself, is in recovery and we have so much in common. I truly believe God has sent me an angel and for that I am truly grateful.

I have a new found purpose. My faith has been renewed. I no longer am feeling useless, hopeless and worthless. My self esteem is building and I am beginning to have hope. I feel I can do this, I know there is a better life waiting for me and I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I am finally feeling excited,  happy and hopeful. I never thought I would be happy again. I want to keep this feeling so I will continue to stay connected to my NA family, continue taking the suggestions and doing the work by reading the literature, making meetings and working the steps. After all that is why I am feeling like I’m feeling…

I LOVE NA

Peace and blessings

NAM