RESENTMENT

31 DAYS CLEAN

Good morning. Be kind.. For everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle than you may think. God is Love

Just for today: I will share the world with others, knowing they are just as important as I am. I will nourish my spirit by giving of myself.

Hello and God Bless.

Thank you for all the get well wishes. I am feeling almost 100% today.

Today I am going to talk about resentments in my life. I have always been the kind of person to hold a grudge. For some reason or another I am unable to forget things that are done to me. I know they say that you should forgive people for past hurts but I am having a difficult time letting go. As far back as I can remember I have had this problem. I can hold a grudge, stay angry and not speak to a person ever again. Also I have resentment towards past failures and about not having any children. That’s a big one that has really been a thorn in my side lately because it reminds me of how lonely I am. As a result of this defect I have not spoken to family members and old friends in years. I also feel this has played a major part in why I am having such a struggle with my recovery.

I have heard that resentment is a form of a reservation. I don’t understand that. I am going to speak
about this in my meeting today but I am also asking for feedback from everybody. I am learning the recovery process and of course there are going to be things I don’t understand. So on this I am asking for help. I do not know much about resentments either but I do know that the anger can keep me from growing.  (*_*)   Well I think I just answered my own question. Resentments keep me from growing and if I am not growing and changing then I remain the same and the same anger can lead me back to using..DUH. It’s amazing how things can become clear when you are writing. That’s why I love writing my blog everyday. I begin to make connections and start to understand myself a little better when I put my thoughts and feelings into words. With all the noise in my head pulling the thoughts out and writing them down helps quiet the mind and I can think just a little more clearly.

I still need more info so feedback is still wanted. I need to know how to let go? How do I forgive others as well as myself. Yes I need to learn how to forgive myself for all the pain that I caused myself and others too. Forgiveness is a 2 way street and I am at a loss as to how to go about it. I will speak with my sponsor about this and my network too. Now since you guys reading this are a part of my network I hope someone will comment on this subject. I need all the help I can get. Now I am not talking about making amends. I am speaking on seeking forgiveness within myself towards others and forgiving myself. How did you begin to forgive? I ask God for forgiveness everyday. I will start to pray for the power and courage to forgive as well and the power to let go of my resentments.

Well those are the thoughts and feelings for now. Lol

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

30 DAYS

30 DAYS CLEAN

Just for Today: I will practice the principles of recovery, even when I’m the only one who knows.

Hello and God Bless.

Today makes 30 days clean for me. Yes. I feel good about that unfortunately I am still sick so I am not much in the mood to write. My chest hurts when I cough, I am having hot/cold flashes, body ache and I just feel terrible. Blah. Lol

I hope you all are having a great day. God willing I will feel better tomorrow and back to posting my blog.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

QUOTES

29 DAYS CLEAN.

Just for today: I will share my recovery at an NA meeting.

Good afternoon all, God Bless You.

Today I am feeling a little better. It’s cold outside and I am not in the mood to do anything but I know better so I am on my way to work. I really hate it when I am sick. I act like such a baby..lol

Anyway I am grateful for another 24 hour reprieve from using. I am grateful that I have God in my life and a network of recovering addicts at my side. 

I feel like I am suffering writers block today so I am just going to put up some quotes that sum up some of my thoughts.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. –Buddha

Sitting in stillness brings up old wounds. It makes the fears and anxieties that I carry daily more present. Part of my path toward soul will be a sort of unlearning. When I was a child, I came to emotional conclusions that were based on the way a child thinks and perceives. Oftentimes as a child, I felt powerless, as if I were at the beck and call of the adults in my life – subject to their whims. Other times I felt powerful, as if I alone were responsible for a situation. As an adult, I understand that neither of these positions is accurate.

I look at what I learned.
From ITR daily meditations.

What we think, we become. –Buddha You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. –Buddha Thank you for reading today’s blog post. As always feel free to comment below, sign up for email updates, or join my group. Enjoy your day PEACE AND BLESSING NAM

SICK : (

28 DAYS CLEAN

I am not feeling good today. I caught a cold and feel miserable. I am grateful to be clean, but not to be sick lol. I can’t  breathe, my body aches and I am coughing and sneezing. I am taking Emergen C and drinking plenty of fluids.
I’m not in the writing mood and I’m not going through anything so I amP just gonna keep nursing my cold and try not to get anyone else sick.  Yes I am at work. Booo
Thanks for checking out the blog. I will be back in full swing tomorrow God willing.
Have a great day.
Peace and Blessings.
NAM

4 WEEKS

27 DAYS CLEAN

Just for Today: I will participate in the full range of my recovery; My commitment to NA is just as strong today as it was in the beginning of my recovery.

I really am grateful to be clean for 4 weeks. I have my HP/GOD to thank. I am very pleased with myself and have noticed some change. I still have a lot of growing to do. But what the heck im patting myself on the back.

I have met a lot of amazing people in the past 28 days and I am grateful for that. I know how to be a loner and I am learning how to reach out to people. The funny thing about it is fear used to keep me from reaching out. Now that I am getting a little better at it I can’t understand what I was afraid of. SMH.

It’s crazy how fear can control my actions and keep me from doing something and in reality there is nothing to be afraid of.

Today I will practice that. Not letting fear get in the way of my growth. Afterall there is nothing to fear. Thank you all for being a part of my life. You give me courage.

I want to thank you for reading today’s blog post.

I Love You, God Bless You.

Have a Safe, Happy and Healthy Weekend.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

ANGER

26 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today: I have been given much in my recovery, and I am deeply grateful for it. I will take joy in being able to share it with others as freely as it was shared with me.
Hello and God Bless You

I have been doing some personal inventory lately and I have come to the conclusion that I am a very angry person. Why? I am searching for the answer to that. But I have an idea. I have been noticing lately that every little thing pisses me off. I was on the train this morning on my way to a meeting and wham it hits me. First the train is crowded but then we get delayed. Now this lady in front of me ( I am sitting down and she is standing up) starts to play bang my knee’s with her fucking bag. I wanted to stand up and slap the shit out of her. I thought about it and dismissed it. Then here comes a superhero..lol this guy wants to stand in the middle of the train without holding on so he can read his paper. Well needless to say that didn’t work out very well so he’s bouncing around the car bumping people and knocking people into me..Again KAAPOW crosses my mind. The thing is this has been going on for a couple of days now. I know one reason is because I am not sleeping well, another is withdrawl from not using. Also the fact is I have not been the most positive person in the world for the last 35 years of my life. Negativity has been breeding and festering in my life for quite some time and I have to admit that at times it does get out of hand. I am used to getting my way, not having people hovering over me let alone anywhere near me. I usually make this face I call the ICEGRILL and people tend to scatter. Oh boy angry black man watch out. I know its horrible but it usually works.Today was different nowhere for them to go..SMH. I had to say the Serenity Prayer a couple of times for the strength to accept the things I cannot change. It worked too.

Also since I am sort of on the subject. My dreams are starting to get on my nerves too. When I am able to fall asleep my dreams always end the same way. They start off happy and they end up in disaster. They start off good and always wind up being negative. I don’t know how to interpret dreams but I wish I did.

Sometimes my dreams are so negative I wake up, now I am not just talking about dreams of using. I’m talking death, betrayal and all kinds of other negative stuff. I swear it is really gonna take a miracle to fix my fucked up thinking. Pray for me. Speaking of praying, I do on a regular basis. I am developing a relationship with God. I have faith that all will work out and God will help me defeat my enemy. I pray several times a day and throughout the night. I know that God will see me through this. I thank God for everything in my life today. It wasn’t like that for a long time. Well that’s the thoughts and feelings for today. Thank you for reading today’s blog post. As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications. Peace and Blessings. NAM

DANGEROUS THOUGHTS

25 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today: Addiction is not a simple disease, but it has a simple solution. Today, I will live in that solution: the Twelve Steps of recovery.

WOW. Today has been a roller coaster ride for me. I have been battling thoughts of using all day. The crazy part is I made 2 meetings today and the thoughts still popped into my head. I am being taunted by my thoughts and voices of my addiction telling me the usual bullshit. You can do just one, nobody will know, you can control your using, they (NA) don’t know what they are talking about.
Shhhhhh be quiet because you (addictive thoughts) don’t know what you are talking about!
I KNOW I CAN’T DO JUST ONE.
I WILL KNOW.
I CANNOT CONTROL MY USING.
THEY DO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.

I know today that its not unusual for an addict to want to use. I am learning today how to cope with those thoughts. I wasn’t so fortunate the last couple of times. I mean I knew what to do, but I didn’t do it and the end result was paranoia, isolation, feelings of guilt and embarrassment about relapsing. Not this time. I prayed to God/my HP. I shared about it. I called people and I spoke one on one with older members and I feel a lot better. I am home safe and I am still not finished. I am logged on to ITR and 12 Step Planet. I shall share here too. I will call my sponsor and text with my network as well.

Today I choose to use.
USE MY TOOLS.

I am noticing so much change in me today and I am loving it. I am being more responsible than ever before when it comes to staying clean. I am learning and it feels great.

I have God and everyone in my recovery life to thank. It’s not a ME thing its a WE thing. I also learned that in NA and I am practicing it in my life today.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to comment below, sign up for email updates, or join my group.

Enjoy your day

PEACE AND BLESSING

NAM

H.O.W.

24 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today: I am grateful for my decision to become a member of Narcotics Anonymous.

Hello, Welcome and God Bless.

I have been in and out of the rooms of NA since January. That’s not to say that I never been to a meeting before it just I have become serious about getting clean this year. I have relapsed 3 times since I came through the doors and it has been a struggle to say the least. I have read and heard that the only requirement is the desire to stay clean. I have that desire and that is why I kept coming back and am still here. I consider myself a member of Narcotics Anonymous.

The basic text says there are 3 spiritual principles that are indispensable Honesty, Open mindedness and Willingness. Today I am talking about the HOW in my life.

Honesty

For me honesty is a bit difficult. Using drugs for the majority of my life I have become accustomed to being a liar, cheat, thief and a  manipulator among other things. I honestly admit that my life is unmanageable, I admit that I am an addict and that I am powerless over my addiction and other areas of my life. I can admit that I am scared of change, the thought of never using again terrifies me. I can admit that my thinking and my way of life did  not work. So why the HELL do I still try to do things my way?

My subconscious thinking has yet to succumb to the idea of honesty and I catch myself at times being negative and dishonest. I try my best to stay on top of it but at times when I least expect it BAM it creeps up and out. I know that I am at the bottom of the hill on a long hard journey upwards and I am just learning to live this new way of life. Like I said change is scary and its hard. I will try harder and I will continue to pray for assistance from God for help in this area.

Open Mindedness & Willingness

I believe that I am pretty open minded when it comes to changing my life. Afterall my way does not work. I know this. I take suggestions (although I still need to learn to listen to the message and not want to kill the messenger) I read my basic text, I make phone calls and of course I make meetings. I try to make a meeting a day but unfortunately my schedule doesn’t allow for meetings on Sunday and sometime schedule changes keep me away from a weekday meeting. I think I am still doing fairly well on this because when I can’t make a meeting I use my other tools and I am always logged in to my online recovery communities. So I am willing to do what it takes to stay clean. Willingness and open mindedness have been the easier part because I sincerely want to change my life. I will not continue to live in the misery caused by my addiction.

Sometimes I think I am just too hard on myself but I have to be, because I know what happens when there are holes in my program. I relapse. I do not wish to be counting days for the rest of my life. If I’m lucky enough to survive.

So just for today. I Pray Hard, I Go Hard. I want to live a simi normal life.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to comment below, sign up for email updates, or join my group.

Enjoy your day

PEACE AND BLESSING

NAM

GRATITUDE

23 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today: When I am afraid of a change in my life, I will take comfort from knowing that Gods will for me is good.

Hello
I hope that everyone is having a wonderful day. I thank God for waking me up this fine Monday. I am truly grateful to be alive and clean today and able to see, walk, breathe on my own and a whole lot of other things. I have to remember to be grateful and stop complaining about things that I have no control over.

I guess you already know what I am going to share about today don’t you..Yep Gratitude. I have to admit that gratitude is kind of a new concept for me. Being and addict for so long and always self absorbed I never really took the time to be grateful for anything. I always felt like I deserved all that I had, all that you had and anything else. I was never one to be satisfied with what I had, I always wanted more and the more I got the more I wanted. I guess that is why I was among other things a thief. Selfish in every sense of the word, I never appreciated the things that I had. Even as a kid I can remember breaking toys and just being ungrateful for some of the things that I owned.

I carried that same attitude into my adult life, not taking care of the things I had and always wanting what others had. Eventually my need to have what you had landed me in more trouble than I cared to get into. That uncontrollable urge to touch things that did not belong to me got me arrested several times. If I had only been satisfied with what I had I wouldn’t have had the need to take things that didn’t belong to me and would never have went to prison at least not for theft.

Now I am learning to be grateful for what I have because there are people who are really suffering and who really do not have anything. I complain when my water is not hot, there are people who do not have running water or clean water to drink. I complain about my job, there are people who are not working because they lost their jobs for one reason or another. I complain, complain, complain not thinking about how fortunate I really am.

So today I am trying to practice being grateful about everything.

You see I was watching Dr.Oz the other day and the show was about..should people have the right to die when they want to. It was a powerful episode because I was forced to think with a clear head. .Awesome feeling by the way! So there was a lady who had come down with a disease that slowly took away use of her muscles and eventually she became paralyzed. She spoke of how she cannot do anything on her own except breathe and it gets harder and harder for her to want to live, she doesn’t want to be a burden on her family and she is just tired. To make a long story short. I was moved to tears. I just couldn’t believe how I had been acting all my life and there are people living with all kinds of disabilities. It really opened my eyes. (After I finished crying like a baby)

It is truly amazing the changes I am noticing. It’s like I am turning into a new person and I am growing everyday. If I would have saw that show last year I would not have given it a second thought. I am grateful today for my life, not even a year ago I didn’t want to live anymore. I am grateful for the people I have met in and out of the rooms of NA, on ITR and on12 Step Planet, a year ago I didn’t want to have anything to do with people. I want to help people today, a year ago I would only help you lose your money or drugs. God is great. I love God today, a year ago I had no faith whatsoever.

I am blessed beyond anything I could ever imagine or really describe. Life is good and it continues to get better one day at a time. Today I am grateful that I can feel, and that I am able to be compassionate no longer being a cold non caring individual is gratifying in itself. I have recovery and everyone I am connected to in recovery to thank for my new found growth. I believe that life does get better because I am beginning to experience it first hand.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to comment below, sign up for email updates, or join my group.

 
Enjoy your day

PEACE AND BLESSING

NAM

MISERY

22 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today: I dont have to be miserable unless I really want to be. Today, I will trade in my misery for the benefits of recovery.

I remember when I first started using, I used to be a weekend warrior. We would to go to parties every weekend and drink & smoke. Back then it was good times, fun filled many happy memories. It’s easy to remember the good times but that’s not what I am going to talk about today. Today its about the misery, the pain and suffering that came as a result of the constant use of drugs.

I started at a very young age. I was 9 years old when I had my first drink. My family would have get togethers and when someone put their drink down us kids would pick it up and drink it. Little did I know way back then that it would lead to me becoming an addict. By the time I was a twelve I was already an alcoholic. I would drink everyday and by then I was also smoking weed so I was double addicted by the time I was a teenager. Needless to say my addiction escalated and by eighteen I was sniffing coke still thinking that I was having a good time. In reality my life was already unmanageable, I had dropped out of school my first year of high school and started on the road to my distructive behaviors and patterns. I didn’t have a job so I turned to the streets to get money. I won’t go into details, let’s just say at first everything was going good but addiction is a funny disease. It makes you think things are better than they actually are. A couple of years goes by and I am sliding further down the slippery slope.

To make a long story short my life took a turn for the worse. I was totally addicted to substances, in and out of prison, in and out of meaningless jobs, in and out of relationships, hardly any contact with family, homeless for some of that time. I didn’t care about my hygiene, who I hurt, who hurt me I just didn’t care anymore. After a while the misery got to be too much and I started thinking about suicide. I wanted to die but couldn’t bring myself to do it, so I tried doing things so someone else would do it for me. I was hoping someone would kill me. I was really FUCKED up. Needless to say that didn’t work either so the suffering continued. I was lost, I hated myself and everyone, I thought I was destined to be on drugs for the rest of my life. This downwards spiral that started way back in 1976 lasted for almost 35 years.

Now its 2011 and although I have been struggling to stay clean this year. I have the desire to finally do something about my addiction. I am learning so much about addiction and about myself and its truly amazing. I know that I have a long hard fight ahead of me. I am beginning to love myself today. I have God in my life today. I have people who care about me because the can relate to my pain today. I don’t feel as miserable today as I did 3 weeks ago today. Things are starting to look up today. I am not high JUST FOR TODAY.

Thank you for reading todays blog post.
As always feel free to comment below, sign up for email updates, or join my group.

Enjoy your day

PEACE AND BLESSING

NAM