Greetings from me to you on this befifil day. As I sit here in my rehab room looking pout the window at the passersbys below. In a way this all seems familiar. Like I have been here before, but it’s no the same. This time is very different. I Am not here trying to escape from using. No this time I am recovering from a major stroke. I had a blood clot travel and stop on the right side of my brain an block thee flow of blood. It caused me to colspse in my him. I was rushed to the 😋loop E. Regency room iv been recovering since. N
I would like to take this opportunity to to wish my beautiful wife a happy 1 year anniversary.
We are together in Punta Cana enjoying each other’s company and having a wonderful time.
Thank you for being on this journey with me and for loving me as much as I love you.
I look forward to many more fantastically awesome years together.
I love you.
Peace and Blessings.
I don’t believe in coincidence so my post yesterday must have been trying to tell me something.. There’s a lesson to be learned here and last night I think I finally got it.
I might be wrong and it won’t be the first time. I am learning that the longer I stay clean, the more I don’t know much about living life clean. I do not handle situations in a rational manner and I am still not mature in many areas.
I believe that I may have stepped into something that I should not have. I am coming to terms that I was not ready and I still am not ready to be that person. I am just starting to feel like I am getting a little bit better and then BOOM. The old attitudes and behaviors show me that I am not.
I have never been in a healthy relationship. All of my life I have used one substance or another and in every relationship those behaviors have led to it’s demise, but I do not have the substance to blame now.
They say that Your best teacher is your last mistake, They say a lesson will repeat itself until it is learned. Obviously I have not learned shit.
Well that’s not entirely true.
I have learned that I do not want to cause anyone any harm. Yet I still do. Knowing that I am causing harm does not sit well with me today. I feel like I am causing someone that I love more harm than good. No matter how hard I try I always wind up being the bad guy. So I must be doing something wrong and need to find some inner peace.
I need to correct myself. I cannot be any good to anyone if I am no good to myself. I cannot love anyone until I truly learn how to love myself. I thought I did, but I am not sure anymore. I have prayed and prayed again.
I realize that I have been placing the blame, but what I should do is own my part. I take ownership. I know that I am far from perfect. I know that I need to allow others their space.
I am not taking hostages today.
Peace and Blessings
Hello beautiful people. I hope that when you are reading this you are enjoying your life to the fullest possible extent. If you are not then don’t fret, there is always the opportunity to make changes. Today WE have the power of choice.
I can remember when I thought I did not have a choice. I did what everyone else was doing, what everyone else wanted me to do, what everyone else thought I should be doing. I was a follower and I followed people just so I could feel like I belonged. I wanted so badly for people to like me that I forgot about liking myself. I forgot about what I wanted to do, what I dreamed of being and where I wanted to go. I found myself in some incredibly dark situations and sticky circumstances.
For as long as I could remember I wanted to be someone else and when I became old enough to, I did just that. I created and recreated myself. Over and over again. In this part of town and that part. With this person and with that one. All the while hiding my true identity, hiding my true feelings, living up to the code of the streets. The life that I lived got me tangled in a web of deceit, dishonesty, self deception and lies. I pretended for so long that my true being got buried under the many masks that I had to wear everyday just to survive the mess I made of my life. I wandered around aimlessly for years acting like I was this or that, hiding my true identity and eventually it was no longer a act. I was lost. Caught up in the grips with no apparent means of escape. When the smoke cleared I looked around and I was all alone. No friends calling me, no family checking up on me. Just me and my many identities.
It’s amazing now that I can look back at where I used to be. Well truth be told there are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe it. One thing is for sure. I am grateful that I am learning to let go of that part of my life that I clung to for dear life for so long.
It is not easy either. When you practice a certain thing no matter what it is for a long period of time, you become skilled at it. Just like the skilled musician did not become skilled overnight I too did not just master deception overnight nor will I be rid of it just because it no longer suits me. If I do not practice a new way of thinking and behaving I can easily return to my old patterns with the blink of a eye or the snap of a finger.
Which leads me to the subject at hand. Relationships.
I avoided them at all costs for the majority of my life. I learned at a early age that people could not be nor should they be trusted. My experiences in the past have taught me that. But I am no longer living in the past so in order for me to start the process of being restored I need to allow myself to let go of the past and form healthy relationships.
Maybe I need help???
This is the area that I struggle with the most..
I allowed myself to come out of my shell a little bit at a time but never allow anyone to really get too close to me. I still shield myself and only allow people to know what I want them to know. I do not really hang out with people and am still very comfortable in my own company. I am very guarded and I really do not trust anyone still to this day. I can share in meetings without hesitation but when it comes to more intimate settings I would rather not get involved. I get the uneasy feelings and then allow fear to shut me down and make me feel like I need to be somewhere else.. And I usually make my exit shortly after those feelings arise.
Relationships are a painful and sometime frightening area for me.
This is new ground and it makes me feel like I felt back when I was a kid all over again. I also know that the fear is just in my head. I know that I am loved and liked and I also know that I love and like others. Although I may struggle with expressing my affection for others I know that I can feel it and I feel it from others. Again this is all new ground for me. It takes me a little longer to warm up to people but eventually I will get there. I know this is my process, and I will get to where I need to be in time. Not my time. My higher powers time.
I will continue to work on myself and work through my issues at my own pace. I do not feel the need to people please just so I can say that I have friends. I am loving who I am becoming and will not compromise my values and principles today.
I know today that I have a choice.
Peace and Blessings
Good afternoon everyone, I hope that you all are in good health and spirits. As for me well all I can say is Thank you God.
It has been quite some time since my last post and for this I truly apologize. I have been preoccupied. Living life on life’s terms is not easy, suddenly I find that there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything that I think I need to do. I must admit that I am amazed at how my life has turned out so far. The good, bad and the sometimes ugly of today are nothing compared to how I saw life just a short 4 years and 10 months and some days ago.
Let me catch you up on what has been going on in the life of this recovering addict.
As many of you might know, I’ve moved from NYC. I have been blessed to have the opportunity to start a brand new life in a brand new state. I have also been blessed to find a woman to spend my life with. We are making a new life together and it has been an amazing journey from the start. There have been many blessings along my journey in this new life in recovery. I have learned to stand up for myself, not accept anything, I do not need to people please to try to fit in. I have learned to love myself and treat myself with respect and to accept love from others. I am still growing and changing in so many ways. I am grateful beyond words.
I remember my beginning, back when I struggled to stay clean. I thought that I would die using and used to say that I wanted people to put drugs in the casket. Smfh. I mean who thinks like that. Just that alone should have told me that something was seriously wrong. I thank God that I was saved from myself. Yes God because left to my own devices, I wouldn’t have stopped until I either killed myself or someone else.
Coming from my active addiction into the recovery process was not a easy transition. I resisted everything and everyone that tried to help me. I was still caught up in the grips of my addiction and the false beliefs that I had developed over the decades of using. I couldn’t believe that anyone in their right mind could actually want to stop using drugs. I couldn’t grasp the slogan if you don’t pick up, you can’t get high. All I’ve ever known and wanted was to pick up. So I struggled and suffered in silence. As time went on and after several returns to active addiction I finally found myself willing to try a different way of doing things. I was ready and so I surrendered and my life began to change.
There are times in my Journey that my old attitudes and behaviors are active. I find myself wanting to revisit negative thoughts and act out on my negative behaviors. Those are the times when I have to remember what practicing those behaviors have gotten me. Jails and institutions are a part of my past and I have no desire to make them a part of my present. I have to keep my story fresh in my mind but not live in or become stuck on those thoughts. It’s Ok to visit my past but God knows I do not wish to live there. So I plug back in and stay connected.
Although my life is great now, it only takes one bad decision to startup a vicious cycle all over again. I am grateful to be missing because my life has changed and become full and not missing because I used and returned to the scene of my addiction. The work that needs to be done is ongoing, it’s never alright to think that I don’t need to stay in this process or that I don’t need it anymore. That is the biggest lie that I could ever tell myself and will only lead to the self destruction that I only have a daily reprieve from. I am only a strong as the program that I work. If I am not working on my recovery, then relapse will be working on me.
So I take action to
STAY CONNECTED, STAY PROTECTED
Peace and blessings.
Feeling like I don’t fit in. I’ve been struggling lately with feeling alienated. Yet again feeling Like I don’t belong.
I remember all to well those feelings I had in my active addiction. Just wanting to feel like I was a part of something and the hoops that I caused myself to jump through, just to fit in. Those were some of the most painful days of my life.
This feels familiar, but different at the same time. Today I refuse to subject myself to the degradation and embarrassment of those antics. Today I would rather just be left alone. I know how to isolate. I know how to remove myself from the people, places and things. I also know that separation from the people, places and things that have and still are saving me from myself is a major mistake and a tragedy waiting to happen.
I at a point in my life where I am just tired of the nonsense. The games and all the BULLSHIT that remind me of my days of pain, suffering and misery. Recovery is supposed to be a life line and supposed to be about change. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. The work has to continue to be a priority because when I start to slack off I feel it in more ways than I can count.
My addiction is very much active at any given time of the day and I have been allowing it to run rampant. Forgetting about the gratitude and complaining about just about anything and everything. I need to get back to the basics. Check myself daily. Hourly even. Remember why I am here and how I got here. God’s grace kept me from killing me and I will not allow it to finish the job now.
Thank you. I needed to hear myself and the insanity that was running through my head just now.
Peace and blessings.
It’s been far too long since I have posted and for this I apologize. Living life on life’s terms can be difficult at times. Becoming a responsible and productive member of society has proven to me that there are definitely NOT enough hours in a day. Lol. I am grateful that my days are full and productive. For a long time that was not the case.
A lot has happened in the months since my last post. Some good, some bad and then there are the things that I cannot put a label on. For the most part my life is great. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My worst day clean is still far better than my best day using. That’s a fact. Since coming back to recovery I have been doing some work on myself. I have grown and I am learning how to make better decisions and make better use of my time.
One of the greatest lessons I am learning is that the past is a memory. It is no longer valid, useful or pertinent. There is nothing that I can do about it, it can’t be changed or altered and I can call a do over. It can be a tool for learning or it can be a never ending cycle of anger, resentments and fear. It can be a road block and can cause me to block myself from receiving the gifts that await me today or it can be the motivation to keep me moving forward. It all about how I choose to see my past and what I choose to do with it.
IF I CHOOSE TO DWELL ON IT.
I can and will remain bitter, angry, resentful, depressed and stuck in a cycle that will only keep me from growing. That cycle will eventually take me back to the old attitudes and behaviors associated with those past events. I will spiral out of control and jails, institutions and eventually death will be the results.
IF I CHOOSE TO LET GO…
Then I will be free of the bitterness, anger, resentments, fear and depression. It will free up the clutter in my mind and allow me to focus on new things. I will be making room for new journeys, new experiences, new memories. I will be free from making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns. The burden will be lifted and my spirit will be ignited. I will be able to enjoy all that life has to offer.
I AM CHOOSING TO LET GO.
Working my forth step helped me to sort through a lot of the confusion. I was able to distinguish between the truth and what lies I told myself that I came to believe to be the truth. I was able to see that a lot of the anger, resentments and even the fear that I held on to for years was not valid. I’ve allowed myself to create a life of isolation and bitterness based on resenting others for situations that I CREATED. I held on to these resentments for years and as a result alienated myself from my friends and family. I missed out on enjoying all that life had to offer me. I sat on the sidelines while my whole life was passing me by. Then I got angry and resentful because I let life pass me by. Placing the blame on you and any and everybody else. Never taking responsibility for my part in all those situations. The funny part is that no one remembers all those minor things but me. I’ve held on to grudges long after the expiration date. Long after…
Today I can own my part. Today I take responsibility for my actions. I see the harm that I caused. I can feel the pain I’ve caused by my actions. I know now that I was the cause of all those angry days and nights. I pushed people away. The very people who were trying to help me, when I was playing victim and saying that they were trying to hurt me. I believed my own lies, allowing myself to wallow in self pity. Me. It was all me.
I had to dig deeper than I ever thought possible. I had to become willing to push past what I knew to be true, and actually uncover the truth. I had to become brutally honest and really analyze the tapes. Go over the memories with a fine tooth comb. Writing over and over as more memories became clear. I had to surrender. I had to be open minded to the possibility that what I thought was true could possibly be false. Made up. Manufactured by the owner of a fractured personality.
The truth came to light and I am experiencing a freedom that I have never felt. But being the addict that I am. My mind still wants me to believe the lies. So with that freedom also comes responsibility. The responsibility of remaining vigilant, of continuing to do the work necessary to maintain. The responsibility to keep digging and uncovering the truth. The responsibility to keep recovering…
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Peace and blessings.
Wow. It’s been 6 years since I wrote my first blog post on November 17, 2011. Since that time a lot has happened. I can honestly say that I have grown. I have shared my journey from active addiction into recovery.
My struggle with staying clean in my beginnings has given me strength and a shot of hope on numerous occasions. I love to go back and read my earlier posts, especially when I am feeling down and my addiction is trying to rob me of my sense of accomplishment. I sometimes have to remind myself that I have come a long way and reading old posts helps me to see how far I have truly come. I remember vividly the tough times I had in the beginning and how I felt like I couldn’t stay clean. I often share how I thought that I was going to die a addict. I no longer feel that way and I think it is important for others to understand that they too can get and stay clean.
I was talking with a friend of mine today about my journey as a new comer and how I made my recovery a lot harder than it had to be. You see I used for so long that I brain washed myself into thinking that there was no way out. I believed the lies that I told myself for so long. I never in a million years would have thought that I could ever live the life that I am living right now.
My journey has taught me many things, but the one thing that I cling to is R. I. P. It stands for Recovery Is Possible. If you would’ve asked me all through my addiction I would have said the obvious. Rest In Peace. I wanted the latter so badly when I was using. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I wanted a way out and contemplated suicide on many occasions. But my Higher Power saw fit to grant me a way out. I am forever grateful.
I started this blog as a way for me to vent and write my feelings whether good or bad. I never meant for it to be publicly viewed, to meet others in recovery or to make so many new friends, but I did. I am thankful to everyone who has supported me and encouraged me with their comments, suggestions, thoughts, opinions and advice throughout the years. You all have played a major role in my journey and am honored to have you all in my network.
My blog is 6 and I am 4 years clean just this past October 26 and I am blessed to still be here.
One day at a time.
Peace and blessings.
It has been a while since I posted. I’ve been really busy between my getting ready for my wedding, physical therapy, trying to work, finding the time to make meetings and do step work among a host of other things. There is just not enough time in the day. Lol.
I have made quite a few discoveries about myself in the last couple of weeks. They say that when the pain gets great enough you will change. I have been feeling stuck and complacent. The pain of remaining the same has been causing me to feel a little depressed. Sadness and complacency are red flags. They are warning signs that I am heading into a dangerous place.
I’ve had the opportunity to to start a searching and fearless inventory of myself and I am getting some clarity on some of the things that I do and why I do them. A lot of the feelings and behaviors that I exhibit have been born in the struggle of my addiction and carried over to my life in recovery. I realize of course that they would if I am not doing anything to change them. After all nothing changes, if nothing changes.
One of the main things that I need to change is the way I think. Another thing is the things that I say to myself and others as a result of those thoughts. With some help, I am able to understand that what I speak will come into existence. I am the cause of my own results. I can no longer blame others for things that I am responsible for. If I continue to have a negative mindset, I will continue to have negative results.
Changing my thinking has been a challenge for me. I am so used to seeing life through the eyes of who I used to be that I am not giving who I am now a chance. The same mentality that has allowed fear to dictate my actions in my active addiction has been dictating my actions in recovery. It was easy to miss because I became accustomed to thinking and living that way. I settled once again for living in my comfort zone. Not wanting to try something new but sick and tired of living the same old way day in and day out.
I’ve heard it said that knowing is half the battle. The other half is doing something about it.
The journey and discovery continues.
Thanks for allowing me to share.
Peace and blessings.
I remember all the things I took for granted in my active addiction. Physical, mental and spiritual things alike. I also remember when the walls came crashing down and I lost all those things. I remember thinking that my life was no longer worth living because I had nothing and I could not stop using drugs. I blamed people, places and things for all my hardships. I was broken and didn’t think there was a way out.
All my life I focused on outside influences to make me feel. Whether it was happiness, love, friendship, compassion or just to be a part of. I always seeked approval from others. I needed validation and thought that it was other people that would give it to me. I thought I was supposed to receive it from everyone. I found out the hard way that no one gives a fuck about you or your feelings. I learned some very valuable lessons early on in reference to this fact.
I was very naive and easily influenced as a child and as a result I found out that honestly and kindness was a weakness. It was a sign that gave other people a indication that they could take advantage of you. So after a while I became the exact opposite. I learned the street rules and proceeded to not only master them but to make up some of my own. I became someone other than my true self. I became what I thought everyone else wanted to see.
As a result I got lost in the many different egos and personalities. I forgot how to be me. Actually I never developed a true me. I began my journey into hell at the early stages of my life. Before I was even a teenager I was already caught up in the grips. I never learned the basics. How to make friends and be a friend. How to genuinely care about people and show compassion. How to carry simple conversations. Graduate from school and move on through the stages of the process called life. I missed out on all that life had to offer and instead settled for the high cost of living the low life.
I wish I could say that no one warned me, but that would be a lie. I was warned over and over again. I thought I knew better so I brushed off the warnings with a minimum of concern. I paid for my arrogance a thousand times over.
I am not sure when I crossed back over the imaginary line but today here I stand. Starting from scratch. Learning things I should have been doing years ago. I am at a point where I feel like that 9 year old little boy again. Confused and frustrated. Unable to identify what I am going through and scared to express my thoughts. Step work has helped me to get to this point and I am grateful. I have fear of what lies ahead of me and at the same time I am excited and eager. I want to uncover the truth. Discard the lies. Put the past to bed, say goodbye and move on.
I am currently working on my 4th step with my sponsor. I write, ask questions. I often find myself crying as I am reliving some of my past. I am finding some truths where I held resentments and anger for years. Resentments that I now realize are not valid because I am required to look at the part I played in them. Resentments that I have held for decades. Now crumble to dust because I was the problem not them.
Cutting through the confusion is pain and pleasure at the same time. It is confusion and clarity, happiness and sadness, fear and courage. It is me and them (my egos and personalities) and in the end it will be me. I will rise from the ashes of that confusion a new person. They will no longer have a hold on me. I will slay each ego and personality one by one until they no longer exist. I will be free from the false pride, lies and images that I created as protection. I will be able to stand tall as a man no longer held back by the chains of my past or my addiction.
The truth shall set me free.
My gratitude shows in my actions louder than my words could ever say.
Peace and blessings.