I don’t believe in coincidence so my post yesterday must have been trying to tell me something.. There’s a lesson to be learned here and last night I think I finally got it.
I might be wrong and it won’t be the first time. I am learning that the longer I stay clean, the more I don’t know much about living life clean. I do not handle situations in a rational manner and I am still not mature in many areas.
I believe that I may have stepped into something that I should not have. I am coming to terms that I was not ready and I still am not ready to be that person. I am just starting to feel like I am getting a little bit better and then BOOM. The old attitudes and behaviors show me that I am not.
I have never been in a healthy relationship. All of my life I have used one substance or another and in every relationship those behaviors have led to it’s demise, but I do not have the substance to blame now.
They say that Your best teacher is your last mistake, They say a lesson will repeat itself until it is learned. Obviously I have not learned shit.
Well that’s not entirely true.
I have learned that I do not want to cause anyone any harm. Yet I still do. Knowing that I am causing harm does not sit well with me today. I feel like I am causing someone that I love more harm than good. No matter how hard I try I always wind up being the bad guy. So I must be doing something wrong and need to find some inner peace.
I need to correct myself. I cannot be any good to anyone if I am no good to myself. I cannot love anyone until I truly learn how to love myself. I thought I did, but I am not sure anymore. I have prayed and prayed again.
I realize that I have been placing the blame, but what I should do is own my part. I take ownership. I know that I am far from perfect. I know that I need to allow others their space.
I am not taking hostages today.
Peace and Blessings
Eric Ease
Sometimes trying to live up to the expectation of others while satisfying can also lead to self doubt and then back to substance so stay true to you as I know you will. Peace out my friend
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True indeed. Thank you Drew. Peace and blessings brother.
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