I don’t believe in coincidence so my post yesterday must have been trying to tell me something.. There’s a lesson to be learned here and last night I think I finally got it.
I might be wrong and it won’t be the first time. I am learning that the longer I stay clean, the more I don’t know much about living life clean. I do not handle situations in a rational manner and I am still not mature in many areas.
I believe that I may have stepped into something that I should not have. I am coming to terms that I was not ready and I still am not ready to be that person. I am just starting to feel like I am getting a little bit better and then BOOM. The old attitudes and behaviors show me that I am not.
I have never been in a healthy relationship. All of my life I have used one substance or another and in every relationship those behaviors have led to it’s demise, but I do not have the substance to blame now.
They say that Your best teacher is your last mistake, They say a lesson will repeat itself until it is learned. Obviously I have not learned shit.
Well that’s not entirely true.
I have learned that I do not want to cause anyone any harm. Yet I still do. Knowing that I am causing harm does not sit well with me today. I feel like I am causing someone that I love more harm than good. No matter how hard I try I always wind up being the bad guy. So I must be doing something wrong and need to find some inner peace.
I need to correct myself. I cannot be any good to anyone if I am no good to myself. I cannot love anyone until I truly learn how to love myself. I thought I did, but I am not sure anymore. I have prayed and prayed again.
I realize that I have been placing the blame, but what I should do is own my part. I take ownership. I know that I am far from perfect. I know that I need to allow others their space.
I am not taking hostages today.
Peace and Blessings