Hello beautiful people. I hope that when you are reading this you are enjoying your life to the fullest possible extent. If you are not then don’t fret, there is always the opportunity to make changes. Today WE have the power of choice.
I can remember when I thought I did not have a choice. I did what everyone else was doing, what everyone else wanted me to do, what everyone else thought I should be doing. I was a follower and I followed people just so I could feel like I belonged. I wanted so badly for people to like me that I forgot about liking myself. I forgot about what I wanted to do, what I dreamed of being and where I wanted to go. I found myself in some incredibly dark situations and sticky circumstances.
For as long as I could remember I wanted to be someone else and when I became old enough to, I did just that. I created and recreated myself. Over and over again. In this part of town and that part. With this person and with that one. All the while hiding my true identity, hiding my true feelings, living up to the code of the streets. The life that I lived got me tangled in a web of deceit, dishonesty, self deception and lies. I pretended for so long that my true being got buried under the many masks that I had to wear everyday just to survive the mess I made of my life. I wandered around aimlessly for years acting like I was this or that, hiding my true identity and eventually it was no longer a act. I was lost. Caught up in the grips with no apparent means of escape. When the smoke cleared I looked around and I was all alone. No friends calling me, no family checking up on me. Just me and my many identities.
It’s amazing now that I can look back at where I used to be. Well truth be told there are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe it. One thing is for sure. I am grateful that I am learning to let go of that part of my life that I clung to for dear life for so long.
It is not easy either. When you practice a certain thing no matter what it is for a long period of time, you become skilled at it. Just like the skilled musician did not become skilled overnight I too did not just master deception overnight nor will I be rid of it just because it no longer suits me. If I do not practice a new way of thinking and behaving I can easily return to my old patterns with the blink of a eye or the snap of a finger.
Which leads me to the subject at hand. Relationships.
I avoided them at all costs for the majority of my life. I learned at a early age that people could not be nor should they be trusted. My experiences in the past have taught me that. But I am no longer living in the past so in order for me to start the process of being restored I need to allow myself to let go of the past and form healthy relationships.
Maybe I need help???
This is the area that I struggle with the most..
I allowed myself to come out of my shell a little bit at a time but never allow anyone to really get too close to me. I still shield myself and only allow people to know what I want them to know. I do not really hang out with people and am still very comfortable in my own company. I am very guarded and I really do not trust anyone still to this day. I can share in meetings without hesitation but when it comes to more intimate settings I would rather not get involved. I get the uneasy feelings and then allow fear to shut me down and make me feel like I need to be somewhere else.. And I usually make my exit shortly after those feelings arise.
Relationships are a painful and sometime frightening area for me.
This is new ground and it makes me feel like I felt back when I was a kid all over again. I also know that the fear is just in my head. I know that I am loved and liked and I also know that I love and like others. Although I may struggle with expressing my affection for others I know that I can feel it and I feel it from others. Again this is all new ground for me. It takes me a little longer to warm up to people but eventually I will get there. I know this is my process, and I will get to where I need to be in time. Not my time. My higher powers time.
I will continue to work on myself and work through my issues at my own pace. I do not feel the need to people please just so I can say that I have friends. I am loving who I am becoming and will not compromise my values and principles today.
I know today that I have a choice.
Peace and Blessings