ALIENATION & ISOLATION


Feeling like I don’t fit in. I’ve been struggling lately with feeling alienated. Yet again feeling Like I don’t belong.

I remember all to well those feelings I had in my active addiction. Just wanting to feel like I was a part of something and the hoops that I caused myself to jump through, just to fit in. Those were some of the most painful days of my life.

This feels familiar, but different at the same time. Today I refuse to subject myself to the degradation and embarrassment of those antics. Today I would rather just be left alone. I know how to isolate. I know how to remove myself from the people, places and things. I also know that separation from the people, places and things that have and still are saving me from myself is a major mistake and a tragedy waiting to happen.

I at a point in my life where I am just tired of the nonsense. The games and all the BULLSHIT that remind me of my days of pain, suffering and misery. Recovery is supposed to be a life line and supposed to be about change. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. The work has to continue to be a priority because when I start to slack off I feel it in more ways than I can count.

My addiction is very much active at any given time of the day and I have been allowing it to run rampant. Forgetting about the gratitude and complaining about just about anything and everything. I need to get back to the basics. Check myself daily. Hourly even. Remember why I am here and how I got here. God’s grace kept me from killing me and I will not allow it to finish the job now.

Thank you. I needed to hear myself and the insanity that was running through my head just now.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease

15 thoughts on “ALIENATION & ISOLATION

    • Welcome back. Glad to hear that. I haven’t written a post in a while. You know life shows up and suddenly there is not enough time in the day. I’m still clean coming up on 5 years in October. Thank you for reaching out. Have an amazing day. 😁

      Like

  1. You’re speaking my language. I have often felt like a misfit on the Isle of Misfit Toys and used to get so frustrated from being so misunderstood. For me, the answer has been meditation. Even though I am not always faithful to show up on the cushion, I find I am more balanced and in a better place to deal with disappointment when I do.

    I have heard about the disconnect you describe for people are in recovery. Congrats for getting clean, BTW. You are super courageous. Hope you are working through the doldrums without relapsing ( or being gentle with yourself and forgiving yourself if you have had a relapse). It’s hard to remember that where we are is exactly where we are meant to be and all are integral parts of the journey. Self love and compassion are huge. We are all doing the best we can, right?

    Whatever our struggles, we gotta remember to just take it moment by moment.
    Peace to you.

    Like

  2. Dearest Eric, I’m fairly certain that many of us addicts experience the same, espcially with some knowledge of recovery. I’ve know you and respected you from the beginning.
    My near fatal car accident in 2016 did a number on me (even now). Was just getting.back to the service work I so needed in the beginning then a few days before Christmas 2017 I developed Pneumonia, COPD.
    UTI and then reaction to the antibodics.
    Three hospitals and two inpatient rehabs later I returned home late February. Chucked the walked and using cane mostly. Then took a fall helping my dog on the couch. Fractured back (again), wrist and ankle. On my third week of outpatient rehab and now the VA and others are talking kyphoplasty.
    My daughter is now sixteen and her and hubby has had to pick up slack. Meetings are difficult mostly because of stairs.
    Being on a ventilator and feeding tube four weeks tells me that UP is not done with me yet.
    We don’t always know what happens or why, we may find out later, maybe not at all.
    Not certain how my comments relate to this blog today but we still have work to do! Give yourself a break. We all go thru tough times, change and growth. There for you forever and ever. big HIGZ, jen R. (xnavyga)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Jen. I’m sorry to hear about your accidents but glad you are making progress back to a health. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with me. You are right we don’t always know what happens or why but I should give myself a break and ride this out just like everything else this too shall pass. Have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Chin up Eric. God said it won’t be easy, But it will be worth it. You not alone and like kiwinana said keep on writing…getting it all out…don’t keep it inside. You know it always makes you feel better. Stay focused and be blessed.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. HEY ERIC
    TONIGHT I THIOUGHT THIS MIGHT HELP, AND IT HAS… AFTER THE DEATH OF MY MOM I’VE STAYED AWAY FROM JUST ABOUT EVERYONE.. NO IT’S NOT THE ANSWER…ISOLATION I KNOW OH SO WELL

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Those feelings are real…no matter if you have 30 days, or 30 years. It’s called Life on Life’s Terms. Stuff Happens, Love Fails, People Die, Friends Lie, Neighbors act Funny, Bosses think They Boss…But Using Doesn’t Fix It. There is Broke, and then there is…Broken. I have Broke Down in Tears, I have Broke Out and Slapped Someone, I have Broke Through the Lives of Others…but since the day I surrendered, I have not been…Broken! I ❤ you E, all the way to Eternity. I am so blessed to have you in my life…you dropped the mic on this one Baby, Keep It Up! Smooches

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank De’Bora. I always appreciate your comments. I need to hear that real feedback. You know not no watered down versions. My addiction was hardcore and I need hardcore suggestions. Thank you my friend. I love you. Have a blessed evening.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s