Feeling like I don’t fit in. I’ve been struggling lately with feeling alienated. Yet again feeling Like I don’t belong.
I remember all to well those feelings I had in my active addiction. Just wanting to feel like I was a part of something and the hoops that I caused myself to jump through, just to fit in. Those were some of the most painful days of my life.
This feels familiar, but different at the same time. Today I refuse to subject myself to the degradation and embarrassment of those antics. Today I would rather just be left alone. I know how to isolate. I know how to remove myself from the people, places and things. I also know that separation from the people, places and things that have and still are saving me from myself is a major mistake and a tragedy waiting to happen.
I at a point in my life where I am just tired of the nonsense. The games and all the BULLSHIT that remind me of my days of pain, suffering and misery. Recovery is supposed to be a life line and supposed to be about change. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. The work has to continue to be a priority because when I start to slack off I feel it in more ways than I can count.
My addiction is very much active at any given time of the day and I have been allowing it to run rampant. Forgetting about the gratitude and complaining about just about anything and everything. I need to get back to the basics. Check myself daily. Hourly even. Remember why I am here and how I got here. God’s grace kept me from killing me and I will not allow it to finish the job now.
Thank you. I needed to hear myself and the insanity that was running through my head just now.
Peace and blessings.