It’s been far too long since I have posted and for this I apologize. Living life on life’s terms can be difficult at times. Becoming a responsible and productive member of society has proven to me that there are definitely NOT enough hours in a day. Lol. I am grateful that my days are full and productive. For a long time that was not the case.
A lot has happened in the months since my last post. Some good, some bad and then there are the things that I cannot put a label on. For the most part my life is great. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My worst day clean is still far better than my best day using. That’s a fact. Since coming back to recovery I have been doing some work on myself. I have grown and I am learning how to make better decisions and make better use of my time.
One of the greatest lessons I am learning is that the past is a memory. It is no longer valid, useful or pertinent. There is nothing that I can do about it, it can’t be changed or altered and I can call a do over. It can be a tool for learning or it can be a never ending cycle of anger, resentments and fear. It can be a road block and can cause me to block myself from receiving the gifts that await me today or it can be the motivation to keep me moving forward. It all about how I choose to see my past and what I choose to do with it.
IF I CHOOSE TO DWELL ON IT.
I can and will remain bitter, angry, resentful, depressed and stuck in a cycle that will only keep me from growing. That cycle will eventually take me back to the old attitudes and behaviors associated with those past events. I will spiral out of control and jails, institutions and eventually death will be the results.
IF I CHOOSE TO LET GO…
Then I will be free of the bitterness, anger, resentments, fear and depression. It will free up the clutter in my mind and allow me to focus on new things. I will be making room for new journeys, new experiences, new memories. I will be free from making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns. The burden will be lifted and my spirit will be ignited. I will be able to enjoy all that life has to offer.
I AM CHOOSING TO LET GO.
Working my forth step helped me to sort through a lot of the confusion. I was able to distinguish between the truth and what lies I told myself that I came to believe to be the truth. I was able to see that a lot of the anger, resentments and even the fear that I held on to for years was not valid. I’ve allowed myself to create a life of isolation and bitterness based on resenting others for situations that I CREATED. I held on to these resentments for years and as a result alienated myself from my friends and family. I missed out on enjoying all that life had to offer me. I sat on the sidelines while my whole life was passing me by. Then I got angry and resentful because I let life pass me by. Placing the blame on you and any and everybody else. Never taking responsibility for my part in all those situations. The funny part is that no one remembers all those minor things but me. I’ve held on to grudges long after the expiration date. Long after…
Today I can own my part. Today I take responsibility for my actions. I see the harm that I caused. I can feel the pain I’ve caused by my actions. I know now that I was the cause of all those angry days and nights. I pushed people away. The very people who were trying to help me, when I was playing victim and saying that they were trying to hurt me. I believed my own lies, allowing myself to wallow in self pity. Me. It was all me.
I had to dig deeper than I ever thought possible. I had to become willing to push past what I knew to be true, and actually uncover the truth. I had to become brutally honest and really analyze the tapes. Go over the memories with a fine tooth comb. Writing over and over as more memories became clear. I had to surrender. I had to be open minded to the possibility that what I thought was true could possibly be false. Made up. Manufactured by the owner of a fractured personality.
The truth came to light and I am experiencing a freedom that I have never felt. But being the addict that I am. My mind still wants me to believe the lies. So with that freedom also comes responsibility. The responsibility of remaining vigilant, of continuing to do the work necessary to maintain. The responsibility to keep digging and uncovering the truth. The responsibility to keep recovering…
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Peace and blessings.