I remember all the things I took for granted in my active addiction. Physical, mental and spiritual things alike. I also remember when the walls came crashing down and I lost all those things. I remember thinking that my life was no longer worth living because I had nothing and I could not stop using drugs. I blamed people, places and things for all my hardships. I was broken and didn’t think there was a way out.
All my life I focused on outside influences to make me feel. Whether it was happiness, love, friendship, compassion or just to be a part of. I always seeked approval from others. I needed validation and thought that it was other people that would give it to me. I thought I was supposed to receive it from everyone. I found out the hard way that no one gives a fuck about you or your feelings. I learned some very valuable lessons early on in reference to this fact.
I was very naive and easily influenced as a child and as a result I found out that honestly and kindness was a weakness. It was a sign that gave other people a indication that they could take advantage of you. So after a while I became the exact opposite. I learned the street rules and proceeded to not only master them but to make up some of my own. I became someone other than my true self. I became what I thought everyone else wanted to see.
As a result I got lost in the many different egos and personalities. I forgot how to be me. Actually I never developed a true me. I began my journey into hell at the early stages of my life. Before I was even a teenager I was already caught up in the grips. I never learned the basics. How to make friends and be a friend. How to genuinely care about people and show compassion. How to carry simple conversations. Graduate from school and move on through the stages of the process called life. I missed out on all that life had to offer and instead settled for the high cost of living the low life.
I wish I could say that no one warned me, but that would be a lie. I was warned over and over again. I thought I knew better so I brushed off the warnings with a minimum of concern. I paid for my arrogance a thousand times over.
I am not sure when I crossed back over the imaginary line but today here I stand. Starting from scratch. Learning things I should have been doing years ago. I am at a point where I feel like that 9 year old little boy again. Confused and frustrated. Unable to identify what I am going through and scared to express my thoughts. Step work has helped me to get to this point and I am grateful. I have fear of what lies ahead of me and at the same time I am excited and eager. I want to uncover the truth. Discard the lies. Put the past to bed, say goodbye and move on.
I am currently working on my 4th step with my sponsor. I write, ask questions. I often find myself crying as I am reliving some of my past. I am finding some truths where I held resentments and anger for years. Resentments that I now realize are not valid because I am required to look at the part I played in them. Resentments that I have held for decades. Now crumble to dust because I was the problem not them.
Cutting through the confusion is pain and pleasure at the same time. It is confusion and clarity, happiness and sadness, fear and courage. It is me and them (my egos and personalities) and in the end it will be me. I will rise from the ashes of that confusion a new person. They will no longer have a hold on me. I will slay each ego and personality one by one until they no longer exist. I will be free from the false pride, lies and images that I created as protection. I will be able to stand tall as a man no longer held back by the chains of my past or my addiction.
The truth shall set me free.
My gratitude shows in my actions louder than my words could ever say.
Peace and blessings.