Lately. I have been struggling with living life on Life’s terms. I have been all over the place and in my head for long periods of time. I know that dwelling on the negative self-destructive thoughts that pass through my head for too long is not healthy. It seems that no matter what I do to switch the thoughts off or into positive thoughts. They make their way right back to the forefront. I have shared about it, prayed on it and even cursed myself telling the thoughts to shut the F up and thank you for sharing. It lasts only for a short period of time.
I still suffer from instant gratification and I want what I want. And I want it now. With that being said. When things are not moving forward as fast as I feel they should be. I begin to doubt myself and those old feelings kick up. The old behavior of self sabotaging myself wants me to quit and resolve this the old fashion way. The new me knows better and knows that if I choose that route I will only lose in the end. I have grown and will continue to grow as long as I keep the focus and stay on this path. If I choose to allow the fear and negativity to take precedence then all bets are off. Jails and institutions are a part of my past but if I am not vigilant they can also be a part of my future. I do not ever wish to be deprived of my freedom ever again.
Depression is real and I am suffering from feelings of depression lately. I know the effects of depression and the thought process that can lead me to think that all this is not worth it anymore. I’ve been down this road before in active addiction but it’s totally different fighting it clean. I am grateful that I have a program, tools and people who love and support me. I am also thankful that I am in touch with my Higher Power and have some faith and spiritual principles to help guide me through the tough times. The devil is a liar and will try to come at me any way it can especially when I am at a weak point. I am so grateful that knowing that is half the battle. Sharing and continuing to move forward is the other. I will keep moving forward and not allow the past to take me prisoner again.
I will continue to talk about it, scream about it and even kick and stomp about it. BUT I SURE AS HELL WON’T USE ABOUT IT. This too shall pass.
Peace and blessings.