I was thinking about when I was caught up in the grips of my active addiction and the many different things I did to get that NEXT ONE.
I remember going anywhere at any time of the day or night. I would travel to the moon if it were possible to get my next hit. I would walk the streets for hours at all hours of the night, in the most dangerous neighborhoods with no concern for my health or well being. I’ve taken many chances and took my life for granted on many occasions. I took advice from people whom I would never be likely to ever speak to normally. I went with people that I had no idea if they were legit or trying to hurt me or steal from me. I used substances that I had no idea if they would kill me. I was very open minded when it came to the ways and means to get more.
When I look back on my
days years of using, I am amazed that I am still here. What’s even more amazing is my willingness to stay clean. I never thought that I would ever, never, ever be able to stop using drugs. I was a hardcore addict. I used to live, lived to use and when the euphoria wore off. I used more and more. I truly believed that I would die a addict. That I would die wasn’t the scary part either. In fact in the end I wanted to die more than anything else. I couldn’t stop using but I was tired of the way I was living. I couldn’t see any other way out. I didn’t know then what I know now to be true.
Recovery Is Possible…
I am forever grateful that I was lead to recovery and the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. It has saved my life. I life that I was ready to end. I didn’t understand how lucky I was to be in recovery in the early stages. Afterall I had been in and out of treatment centers, recovery houses and institutions for many years and none of that seemed to work. So what was so different about this.. That was the attitude that I came into recovery with. The same attitude that I had for years and for years got the same results, so I didn’t stay, I went about it all wrong. I didn’t plug in, I didn’t participate, tell the truth, be open minded, willing or take any of the other suggestions that I was given. I relapsed time after time and began to think that recovery worked for others but it wouldn’t work for me. Can you relate to that?
Needless to say. I took some more ass whoopings before I eventually realized that if I was ever going to change, I had to change. I had to change the way I was thinking and behaving. I had to become willing to do something about the way I was living. I had to become open to listen and stop saying I know. I didn’t know. My ego would not allow me to be open to learn new things so I proceeded to act like I knew everything. SMDH. Well let me tell you. I learned the hard way but I learned. I began to feel change after I allowed myself to become teachable. I began to become honest when the pain of living a lie became to great. I became addicted to the way my life was changing and I wanted more. It was a no brainer that took me years to understand. The process of recovery is so simple, but I made it so difficult. I suffered for years thinking there was no way out when the answer was right in front of me the whole damn time. I just refused to accept it.
I thank God for the many people who believed in me when I was unable to believe in myself. I am grateful to the rooms and all of the wonderful people in them. The literature, step work, sponsors, ,members, and especially the slogans. I took hold to the slogans and would recite them to myself whenever I felt a urge coming. I especially liked NO MATTER WHAT. I began to believe that no matter what happened. I didn’t have to use and I repeated that one slogan to myself day in and day out. I kept showing up to meetings, I made new friends and began to like myself just enough to keep coming back. I often wondered how people got the clean time they had, I would hear someone say 5,10,15 or 20 years clean and in the beginning I didn’t believe it. Today I know it’s true and I know how they are accomplishing it.
One day at a time
BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
I never have to use another mind or mood altering substance.
NO MATTER WHAT.
Peace and blessings.