I remember always wanting to do things, wanting to change things and wanting to be things. I also remember not wanting to do much to accomplish those things. Always the procrastinator, wishing or allowing others to do the majority of the footwork and then coming in on the tail end trying to reap the benefits.
I lived my life according to the basic principles of lazy, do nothing or at least the bare minimal. I always looked for the easy way out. If it took the slightest bit of a effort. I wanted no part of it. I couldn’t understand why I never achieved the highest grades, highest pay or any recognition for my effort. I actually thought that I deserved recognition. Lol.
The addict in me wanted everything for nothing. I was the poster child and that was my motto, my creed. I really had a sense of entitlement.
I was in need of a rude awakening.
I received that awakening several times when I tried to get clean. I came into the fellowship with a closed mind, lack of enthusiasm, know it all attitude and street mentality. I would pick and choose what I would apply, what suggestions I would take, who I would associate with and so on and so on. I found out the hard way that way just doesn’t work. Wishing that I could stop using doesn’t work. Lying to others doesn’t work. I found out that, hard work does. Honesty, open mindedness and willingness work. Learning how to ask for help works.
I had to come to the conclusion that if I wanted something different. I had to do something different. I found out that I couldn’t take shortcuts. That I couldn’t let someone else do it for me and come in later and reap the benefits. I found all of this out after several years of relapsing and refunding my pain and misery every time.
I found out the hard way that it was time to do the work. It took some time but it finally sunk in my thick skull that If I wanted what others had… I had to do what others were doing. I had to lose the know it all attitude, the street mentality and the false belief system. I had to take a long hard look at myself. Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes too great. I had finally reached that threshold.
So I no longer look for shortcuts, wishing wells, the quick fixes or magic elixirs.
I put in the work. And the results are showing.
I am growing up.
Peace and blessings.