I remember all to well staying stuck in a never ending cycle. I was committed to the comfort of the pain, misery and suffering that came along with that cycle. I was locked and loaded in the grips of not only my addiction but the fear that kept me running around in circles like a dog chasing his tail.
Fear is a animal all its own. It causes more damage than any mood or mind altering substance that I have ever taken and the effects last way longer. The damage caused by my fears have left a blood trail and DNA samples in every area of my life from the past to the present day. Fear has caused me to miss out on and pass up on many opportunities. It has played a major role in keeping my self-confidence and self-esteem low and along with the negative thoughts that constantly run through my fractured mind helped to fuel the fire of becoming comfortable with doing just enough to get by without having to go the extra mile to achieve a better life for myself.
I always wished that I could change, I wanted it, I could imagine it, see it in my mind but could never make it become a reality because I was comfortable with underachieving. I became paralyzed by fear and settled for less than I was worth in every aspect of my life. I believed that I was OK where I was at. I lied to myself on numerous occasions and became accustomed to paying the high cost of living so low.
My fears are not real, but, If I allow them to take hold then they become my reality. I am what I believe I am. I can do or cannot do what ever I tell myself I can or cannot do. I am slowly learning this lesson today. It is a lesson that has played over and over, again and again in my life. It is still to this day a cycle that I struggle with. I can see the negative side of everything before I can see the positive side. Therefore I stop the thought or action before it can ever take hold. Before it gets started I allow the fears to take hold and change the outcome before I even try it.
That’s my truth. For all the good things I accomplish. I have a lot of work that I still need to do. I know that it’s a process and it happens over time and not over night. I am not beating myself up. I am only sharing with you my story. My fears are just as alive today as they were when I was using and if I am not careful the results can end up the same without ever having picked up a drink or a drug.
So I will practice being vigilant in recognizing the fears, working through them, sharing them and over coming the urges to submit to them. In other words leave the comfort of familiarity and enter into the uncomfortable zones.
Peace and blessings.