SELF DESTRUCTION 


I am not a happy camper right now. I have been on a one way trip towards self destruction. I have to admit that I saw it a couple of months ago, but did nothing. I allowed denial to rob me of the opportunity to make a conscious effort to change it and grow from it. Instead I pushed it to the side. I went over it with a minimum of concern and now the pain of staying the same is out weighing the desire to stay the same. 
I’ve heard that when the pain is great enough I will do something about it. We’ll I unfortunately have a high tolerance for pain and usually do something about it when it’s too late. That’s been my MO for years. It’s been a character defect that winds up causing too many people in my life unnecessary pain and causes me the greatest deal of pain over and over again. 

Always one to do what I want to do and suffer the consequences later. You would think that I would have learned that lesson years ago and I truly thought that I did. But here I am once again kicking myself for repeating the same behaviors. When will I be able to get it right. I used to think that using was my only problem. Then I learned that my issues run deeper and have been around far longer than my drug abuse. So I  payed attention to my moods and behaviors and started making changes. I was doing great. Then somewhere along the way. I crossed back over and started cosigning my own bullshit. I started turning a blind eye to my gut. Ignoring my uncomfortable feelings when my attitude was out of whack. 

I have allowed the old attitude and behaviors to drive the yellow cheese bus yet again. I’m in a dangerous place when they are driving and I know it. I needed to vent. I need to purge myself of this poisonous path that I have once again found myself traveling down. The end result is anything but favorable for any and everyone around me but more importantly it is disastrous for me. 

So now I have to do the responsible thing and pump my breaks, make a U-turn and get back on the road to recovery. I refuse to use ever again even if some people wish that I would. I will never give another person the satisfaction of seeing me down.  
NEVER AGAIN. 

I am grateful that I got to speak with my sponsor and he reminded me that I am only human, and I will make mistakes but I also need to get back to the basics. He told me what I already knew and was procrastinating doing. I need to plug my ass back in. Fast. 

I see myself heading back to self destruction and if I don’t change it. I have no one to blame but myself. 

I am responsible for my Life. My Recovery. My Happiness. 

Peace and blessings 

Eric Ease 

15 thoughts on “SELF DESTRUCTION 

  1. I think if we are honest with ourselves, us addicts, have all been right where you are. Progress not perfection my friend. You caught yourself, you talked to your sponsor, you are venting about it… you are doing exactly what we need to do. Glad you are plugged back in. Hugs my friend

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Vicky. God’s grace kept me a float. I felt myself gradually changing and ignoring the symptoms. I am grateful for the program and process of recovery. I will Not throw it away. Back to the basics.

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  2. Greetings E, I am blessed to be here in 2017 with you. Isn’t it amazing how we can be a Beacon of Light for so many, but end up trying to find the End of the Tunnel in our own lives. We find ourselves, helping, reaching out, holding up the other Addict/Alcoholic and somehow forget we know most of them…because we are Them!!! Next time you wanna beat yourself up, call me, I’ll fight you instead!!! I learned a few years back actually, I was 15 years clean n sober, and depressed and suicidal. It was at my lowest point in Recovery that I looked up, called God and He revealed to me that “If I Don’t Do Me, I Am Useless To Another”. Now my message to you Eric, is take care of you first, the rest will follow. I Love You!
    You Know Who I Am…
    Saved Sober Serene

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you De’Bora. You are so right. I am of no use to anyone if I don’t take care of me first. I have to remember that. I appreciate your sharing your identification with me. It helps me to remember that I am not alone. I had to check myself and get back to the basics. I ran to a meeting today before work and exposed my disease. I am grateful that I made it there and not made it back. I love you my friend as always I appreciate you, your support and encouragement.

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  3. Hi Eric. I found in my experience that there were times when my mind would seek to trick me, and I would find myself moving back towards the porn. After awhile I stopped this behavior. You will get past your issue too.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Dannie1955. I appreciate your sharing your identification and for your encouraging words. My mind is always trying to trick me. I have to remember that addiction is a life long disease. I have to remain vigilant. Have a great day.

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  4. Brother I to know that road !! Always feeling I don’t deserve I don’t belong I don’t get it myself !! And right now being stuck between jobs and waiting and wondering if it’s all a bs story is messing with me !! But one foot in front of the other and brother we don’t know eachother f2f but we know eachother and you deserve you belong exactly where you are !! Now put that damn bat done and do what you know you have to do

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  5. Good for you recognising the side road you turned into and getting in to reverse! We are our own worse enemies at times and denial is a comforting place to be! But what ever the behaviours are you have seen them for what they are and are doing to you or worse could. Stay strong Eric you have overcome much. Don’t beat yourself up ( as your sponsor says) you are only human non of us are perfect and as the saying goes ‘progress not perfection’ is the name of the game my friend.

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    • Thank you Karen. I have a hard time seeing the good in myself at times. Wallowing in self pity and staying in my head too much is causing me to act out in a negative way. It’s causing turmoil internally and externally. I will surely make a conscious effort to turn this around. I appreciate your support and encouragement as always. Have a fantastic day.

      Liked by 2 people

      • You can do this! January Blues ( not trying to belittle your feelings here!) but after all the hype of Christmas and new year many feel a bit sorry for them selves. It’s also very natural not to see the good in ourselves if you’ve grown up with low or non existent self esteem. You are a good man, have shown me support and encouragement in a selfless way. You are honest in the telling of your story and journey and yes I know you weren’t asking for affirmations but you bring so much hope to so many, I have learnt so much from you. May you and your head find some sunshine soon 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        • You always give me something to think about Karen. I truly appreciate your input. I’ve heard that January has the highest suicide rate due to depression from the holidays. I can relate to the depression. Thank God it’s not severe. I still suffer from the low self esteem and self worth. It’s a constant battle. I made a meeting this afternoon and I feel a whole lot better. I hadn’t realized that I haven’t been to a meeting since October. That’s not good. I was in serious Isolation mode. Grateful for the people who are in my life. People like you Karen. You all help me so much. Thank you.

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