I am not a happy camper right now. I have been on a one way trip towards self destruction. I have to admit that I saw it a couple of months ago, but did nothing. I allowed denial to rob me of the opportunity to make a conscious effort to change it and grow from it. Instead I pushed it to the side. I went over it with a minimum of concern and now the pain of staying the same is out weighing the desire to stay the same.
I’ve heard that when the pain is great enough I will do something about it. We’ll I unfortunately have a high tolerance for pain and usually do something about it when it’s too late. That’s been my MO for years. It’s been a character defect that winds up causing too many people in my life unnecessary pain and causes me the greatest deal of pain over and over again.
Always one to do what I want to do and suffer the consequences later. You would think that I would have learned that lesson years ago and I truly thought that I did. But here I am once again kicking myself for repeating the same behaviors. When will I be able to get it right. I used to think that using was my only problem. Then I learned that my issues run deeper and have been around far longer than my drug abuse. So I payed attention to my moods and behaviors and started making changes. I was doing great. Then somewhere along the way. I crossed back over and started cosigning my own bullshit. I started turning a blind eye to my gut. Ignoring my uncomfortable feelings when my attitude was out of whack.
I have allowed the old attitude and behaviors to drive the yellow cheese bus yet again. I’m in a dangerous place when they are driving and I know it. I needed to vent. I need to purge myself of this poisonous path that I have once again found myself traveling down. The end result is anything but favorable for any and everyone around me but more importantly it is disastrous for me.
So now I have to do the responsible thing and pump my breaks, make a U-turn and get back on the road to recovery. I refuse to use ever again even if some people wish that I would. I will never give another person the satisfaction of seeing me down.
I am grateful that I got to speak with my sponsor and he reminded me that I am only human, and I will make mistakes but I also need to get back to the basics. He told me what I already knew and was procrastinating doing. I need to plug my ass back in. Fast.
I see myself heading back to self destruction and if I don’t change it. I have no one to blame but myself.
I am responsible for my Life. My Recovery. My Happiness.
Peace and blessings