There’s no truer test of a person’s character and motives than time. Time reveals everything. No matter what you hear come from another person’s mouth, elapsed time will always show you the truth.
It took me many years and many disappointments to learn this very valuable fact. It also taught me that most people cannot be trusted. It’s a lesson that has repeatedly been beaten into my subconscious and as a result I find it very hard to trust people. I always go in waiting for the shoe to drop and the Bullshit to hit the proverbial fan. For the most part, my gut has not let me down.
Yet and still, I long for the day that I can finally say Damn I was wrong. Believe me it doesn’t happen that often. But every now and again someone surprises me.
Because I try my best to say what I mean and do what I say today. I let my guard down and expect that others will do the same. In the beginning it always looks promising but as usual somewhere along the way the plan gets changed and I didn’t get the memo. I wind up being the Fucking fool and wondering how did I wind up here. Again.
In my active addiction, I didn’t play by the rules. I broke trusts, hearts, pockets, banks and anything else that I could. But people already knew how I was. I was using, what did you expect. In recovery I play by a different set of rules. The ones that my parents instilled in me many years ago. I have worked hard to live by some principles. To be trustworthy and stand for something. But I’ve come to realize that just because I do, doesn’t mean that others do to.
I am hurt right now because I had a plan and that plan has now become derailed. Again somewhere along the line the plan got changed and I didn’t get the memo.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Why do I bother trying to change,
Why do I believe that people can be trusted.
Why not just give up.
I guess I need to keep searching for the answers to those questions.
I guess I will keep coming.
But then again why should I.
Peace and blessings