There’s no truer test of a person’s character and motives than time. Time reveals everything. No matter what you hear come from another person’s mouth, elapsed time will always show you the truth.
It took me many years and many disappointments to learn this very valuable fact. It also taught me that most people cannot be trusted. It’s a lesson that has repeatedly been beaten into my subconscious and as a result I find it very hard to trust people. I always go in waiting for the shoe to drop and the Bullshit to hit the proverbial fan. For the most part, my gut has not let me down.
Yet and still, I long for the day that I can finally say Damn I was wrong. Believe me it doesn’t happen that often. But every now and again someone surprises me.
Because I try my best to say what I mean and do what I say today. I let my guard down and expect that others will do the same. In the beginning it always looks promising but as usual somewhere along the way the plan gets changed and I didn’t get the memo. I wind up being the Fucking fool and wondering how did I wind up here. Again.
In my active addiction, I didn’t play by the rules. I broke trusts, hearts, pockets, banks and anything else that I could. But people already knew how I was. I was using, what did you expect. In recovery I play by a different set of rules. The ones that my parents instilled in me many years ago. I have worked hard to live by some principles. To be trustworthy and stand for something. But I’ve come to realize that just because I do, doesn’t mean that others do to.
I am hurt right now because I had a plan and that plan has now become derailed. Again somewhere along the line the plan got changed and I didn’t get the memo.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Why do I bother trying to change,
Why do I believe that people can be trusted.
Why not just give up.
I guess I need to keep searching for the answers to those questions.
I guess I will keep coming.
But then again why should I.
Peace and blessings
I would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you and your families a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy, healthy and safe holiday season.
Peace and blessings
Lately I have been feeling like I should be better off and definitely farther along life’s path than I am. I’m feeling like every step I take forward that I am getting no closer to being satisfied with myself. I am my worse critic. I have made tremendous progress in my 3 years in recovery and just like in my addiction, I still want more. I am feeling like the progress that I have made should have been accomplished a long time ago and It’s making me feel depressed to say the least.
It seems to me that I am really only spinning my wheels and I am not getting anywhere fast. I want so much more out of life than to be stuck in the daily rat race of my 9 to 5. Struggling for years working for a company that doesn’t care. Living and working around people that don’t care and remembering how much I didn’t care when I was active. Now that I am clean I realize how much of life I truly missed out on.
MY life right now is the best it has ever been and yet I still have the feelings of emptiness, loneliness and worthlessness. I still suffer from anxiety over the future because of the many failures of my past. The haunting reality of a life not to long gone.
I am at a crossroad in my life right now. I guess this is what some call midlife crisis. I don’t know. I’ve never felt so unhappy with where I am at other than when I was using. But this is different, this isn’t the desperation and despair feelings. These are the feelings of I should be spending my time more wisely. Doing the things that I love to do not because I have to do them.
I read a quote once that said. If you are unhappy with your outcomes change your circumstances. Or something like that. Long story short. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I am ultimately responsible for my outcomes. I will only get out of it what I put in. I have to let go of the things that are making me feel unhappy. I have to step up, step out on faith and put in the work required to make my dreams a reality.
I am no longer satisfied with the status quo. The old beliefs that I have to do this the way everyone else has been doing it. I tried it and it’s no longer working for me. My eyes have been opened to a new way of life and I must take this opportunity to advance for myself and my family. I think I’ve paid enough dues it’s time for me to start seeing some of the benefits and rewards of my labor.
I will keep praying on it. God’s will not Mines be done.
Peace and blessings.
My year in review has been filled with many exciting chapters. I am thrilled at the prospect of what’s to come.
2016 has been the most exciting and rewarding experience thus far in my journey in recovery. I am amazed at the things that I have accomplished this year. I started the year off being sick straight through the holidays from Thanksgiving to New Years as a result of taking a medication. One of the side effects of that medication was the lowering of my immune system. So my year started off kind of crazy. But I got to spend my 50th birthday in The Dominican Republic with my then girlfriend. That was a awesome experience. We had a amazing time and will do it again soon.
Not soon after our trip, on Valentines Day to be exact. I had the privilege and honor of proposing to my now fiancé. She said YES. It was the happiest day of my life. I love her and we are very happy together. We have been planning our wedding ever since and as of today we have accomplished the planning, invites, mailing and payments of the wedding and honeymoon. God is Good.
We also had been dreaming of buying a house and moving out of New York. We started looking at homes March and after changing our minds countless times, we purchased a home in June, closed and moved into our new home in September.
I started my online business in November. The store which was born out of inspiration from this very blog. Tee Shirts, Hoodies and more to come with the From Struggle To Strength logo on them. I am excited and thankful for all the support and encouragement that I receive on a daily basis. We also had our first Thanksgiving in our new home. Our family and friends came and we had an amazing holiday. I am truly thankful for family.
I have had many ups and downs along the way this year. I am grateful for the opportunities and experiences. The good and the bad. I am living, learning and enjoying life to the fullest. I know that it is God’s grace that has saved me from myself and allows me to be present in life today as it is happening. Not how I would have it. My life today is so much better than it was just 3 short years ago. And
It is only the beginning.
I am definitely not the same person I was when this year began. I can’t wait to see the person that I am destined to become.
Have a spectacular day.
Peace and Blessings