More often than I care to admit, I am reminded of my past. It’s not enough to stop using, become a productive member of society, change my life for the better. It’s not enough that I stopped stealing, lying, cheating and all the other things that came along with my addiction that I no longer participate in. It’s not enough for those that choose to continue to live in those moments and try to hold that old, tired, worn out guilt over my head.
I on the other hand have been able to move on from that point in my life. I have been able to forgive myself for staying stuck in that never ending cycle. I have learned a valuable lesson about living in the past. Holding on to past hurts, real or imagined have a damaging effect. Replaying those old tapes as if they just happened yesterday in looping succession. Has caused me to miss out on what was happening in the here and now. It has caused me to have resentments and hold grudges against people that have long forgotten about the situation.
Being an addict my thought process constantly gravitates back to any and all negative things and situations. It a built in mechanism brought on by fears of moving forward into the unknown. It’s also been known as self sabotage. Bring up the old and tie it to a new situation. Like making someone new pay for something someone old did to me. The end result is always the same. Missing out on an opportunity to move past it and grow from it.
I’ve been there.
Sometimes I revisit there.
But I no longer stay there.
I have learned the truth, and once I know the truth. I can no longer turn a blind eye. I can’t go back to not knowing. Well the truth is I can always act like I didn’t know but that is just plain denial. And we know that denial stands for Don’t Even No I Am Lying. Lying to myself. I have to face the truth, and the truth is. I know better. People say the truth hurts. But the reality is that the truth helps me to grow. Denial hurts.
I know that everyday that I am granted the blessing to wake up. I have the option to move forward or move backwards.
I have chosen to move forward and I am grateful for the continued chances to do it over and over again. Everyday. Sometimes more than once in a day. I can start my day over anytime I choose to. The outcomes of moving forward are unknown and that makes them exciting. The outcomes of living in the past are the same and that makes them outdated and redundant. I would much rather keep walking and looking in front of me than try to walk forward and be looking back.
What a magnificent gift.
Peace and blessings.