When I first read the quote. I am the problem, but I am also the solution. I thought to myself. Problem. I don’t have a problem. There’s nothing wrong with me. I truly thought that the way I was living was normal. Where I grew up everybody used something. Drinking and drugging was a normal activity. That was the denial and the denial was thick. In reality that was not normal. First off it was frowned upon in my own household. When I was a child, I was warned against the dangers of drugs and I saw first hand the destruction it caused all around me in my neighborhood. Yet I still gravitated towards it.
I’ve come to realize that I am the problem. Not the drugs, not my family, not the government, police or any other authority. Me. It begins and ends with me. My addiction was born long before I ever picked up my first drink or drug. My addiction started with my lack of self esteem, my insecurities and my wanting to be a part of. Always thinking that I wasn’t good enough has caused me to exclude myself and isolate, to give up before I ever really got a chance to see things through. Disqualification based on the thoughts that ran and still run through my mind.
I allowed my negative, down grading, self destructive thoughts to dictate my actions, moods and outcomes for years. The results were devastating and I surrendered to the lower power and settled for less and became comfortable paying the high price to live so low.
By the time I found recovery, I was a lost cause. Or so I thought. I figured that I was wasting my time and that I could never change. I didn’t think that I had any power over the outcomes of my life. I believed that the things I suffered from were punishment from God, my mothers God. The God I grew up hearing about. I could never have imagined how wrong I was and I almost missed out on finding out the truth because I was ready to once again give up before I got started.
Remember relapse is a part of my story. So I know all to well the embarrassing feelings of starting over and over again and again. The truth is that although it was embarrassing, it was also a sign of strength. It was a sign that I was ready to start exhibiting some of the inner resolve that for so long had escaped me. My willingness to keep coming back let me know and helped me to see that I was tired, sick and tired of the way I was living and how my life had turned out. I was finally becoming a part of the solution. My solution to my problem. Me.
Now don’t misunderstand me. I am by no means cured or healed and my life is not suddenly magically delicious. No. I still suffer from the negative effects of my twisted thinking. There are times I want to quit. I don’t want to make meetings and really don’t want to be bothered with people. I am more comfortable isolating. I still have trust issues with outsiders. People period and would love to just be normal. But I am not normal. So I know that I need to continue to stay connected. I can see the insanity when I stay away to long.
I am proud of myself today. I am part of the solution more often than the problem. I know that I am a work in progress. I fall short constantly, but I will not allow my shortcomings to rock me into a false belief that I am not good enough or worthy of living the life I deserve. I will not allow my thought process to dictate my outcomes. My life has changed dramatically. I am living a life that I thought only others lived and was not in the cards for me.
I couldn’t have been more disillusioned.
I am thankful and truly grateful for the grace and mercy of my Higher Power. I could have missed this.
Peace and blessings