I remember when I was young and my enthusiasm and curiosity burned bright. I was a happy, healthy and eager to learn more about everything. I was a straight A student and very creative. But under the surface there was a scared, fragile, uncertain and insecure little boy.
After a while the flame didn’t burn as bright and the happiness and enthusiasm began to fade. Eventually the flame 🔥 that burned so bright died and the doubt and insecurities took hold. The scared little boy began to search for a place to belong. Searching 🔎 for meaning, purpose, belonging and love. Love from anyone who would offer it. The funny thing is, I never really knew what love was.
I’ve experienced the unconditional love that my parents and family gave but that never seemed to be enough. It wasn’t what I thought I was looking for. They tried to no avail to fan the flames and keep me grounded. But the harder they tried the more I resisted and withdrew. Needless to say. I found the love I thought I was looking for in the streets. I thought the streets understood my pain. Only to find out years later that the streets were the cause of my pain and the streets didn’t have no love for me.
I sold my soul and just about every thing else in my active addiction. I alienated everyone I came across searching for a love that no one could ever give me. I chased an imaginary dream of what I thought I deserved and developed anger and resentments when those expectations weren’t met. I died a spiritual death and was empty of all feelings, cares and concerns. I became elusive and lived in isolation. I was invisible and wished for death to knock on my door daily.
I’ve come to realize today that the love I was searching for was inside of me all along. I was looking for someone to validate my existence and all I had to do was look deep within. What I was searching for was within me and I couldn’t see it. Today I recognize my strength, my worth, my assets and liabilities. I have learned to love others but more importantly to love myself. I have learned that I do not have to settle for less when I know I deserve more.
I am learning to walk away from those who are not heading in the same direction as me. I am not that old me who settled because I didn’t think I could do better. I don’t need to be approved or accepted by others in order to feel good about myself. I don’t have to jump through hoops to be a part of.
Not today. Today I approve and accept myself.
I am grateful for the process of recovery. I am learning how to be who I am meant to be. The flame 🔥 has been reignited. My flame is burning bright and has become a beacon for others. I am thankful that I have been given a purpose, that my experience, strength and hope help others to realize that just because you are down that doesn’t mean that you have to stay down.
There is a way out.
R. I. P. IS NOT REST IN PEACE.
R. I. P. MEANS RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE.
Peace and blessings