HOW DO YOU LEAVE THE PAST WHEN THE PAST HAUNTS YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO


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I’m feeling like fuck it. What’s the use. No matter how many steps forward I take, my past will always come back to haunt me. No matter what I do the wreckage of my past will always be a obstacle.

Im tired of hearing about letting go and leaving in God’s hands ๐Ÿ‘. Every time it’s the same shit. I get my hopes up only to have my dreams smashed over some shit that happened decades ago. Tell me how come they can’t just let it go. How come I am still paying dues for things that I did way back when.

It’s hard to stay in a positive frame of mind. It’s hard right now, not to just say fuck it. I give up. I mean after all what’s the use. In the eyes of John Q Public I will always be a criminal and a drug addict. I will never measure up to the standards of society so why bother.
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I am not that person that I used to be, but they will never know that because all they see is what’s on paper. It’s not easy dealing with this life. Discrimination is waiting around every fuckin corner. Waiting patiently until I get a inch above a glimmer of hope. Waiting so it can stomp down and  smash my hope to dust.

Lost dreams awakened only to be shattered like the broken beer bottles of yesterday.

18 thoughts on “HOW DO YOU LEAVE THE PAST WHEN THE PAST HAUNTS YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO

  1. Hi Karen. I appreciate your good words to our friend Eric. I have not been thru what you guys have. I do know a number of friends going thru 12 step, or have been thru it, but I also know that I am a far cry from really knowing what it is really like. I do admire each of you who have changed your life from any type of addiction to living clean. God’s Blessings as you continue to grow, and encourage one another.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you George for you message – I should just say my 12 step programme is for those affected by another’s drug addiction I belong to the NAR-ANON (uk) fellowship. My addiction was my addict! I was a co- dependent – I am a co-dependent! Our 12 steps are taken from and work in conjunction with NA steps but I was sick. I didn’t know I was but I did as much damage to my addicted loved one as the drugs did by enabling his addiction. I too will never full know why the pull of heroin and crack are so strong, that when someone gets off it and is clean they relapse. I know the 12 steps works – most of the addicts I know in recovery are in recovery because of the fellowship and that is proof enough & with the guidance from our higher power, experience strength and hope from others like us we find there is a better life. Sometimes people just can’t appreciate what we do and achieve. Regardless of our addiction, we will all have pasts! We all do crazy things that we might be ashamed about but in essence know one should be making judgement calls on others lives only God may have that privilege! How kind of you to respond to my words – thank you again.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. eric,I know how you feel and sometimes there are no easy answers.right now I am not in a great place.and no no,sometimes the past hits us in the face.what you do with that,we can’t answer that for you.remember,you have worked for a long time for the life of recovery.sometimes with some people our past never goes away.I recently had to move back to where my daughter lives,because my eye specialist is here and I am now going blind in my other eye,blind in one already.so for my birthday my daughter asked me for dinner,her husband hates my guide dog and is cruel to him,so normally I wouldn’t go there,but he wasn’t there.what she did was so painful,she brought up my past and reminded me of all the men I slept with,all the jobs,I lost,and after that tirade,she went off on me about my other men when I was sober,because they were black.my partner of 10 years was the most loving,caring wonderful man I had ever been with and he relapsed on heroin and cocaine and had 6 massive heart attacks and died.and eric I have been clean and sober for 41 years.and yeah the past kicked my ass and it hurtlike hell.she basically thru me out with the garbage.please ,eric,don’t let your past ruin your life,you are worth much more than that and we need you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your support and encouragement and for sharing the hope from your experiences. I appreciate your feedback and am grateful that I am no longer that person I used to be. Congratulations to you on 41 years that is truly inspiring. Like I have been told my past is my past. I no longer live there. If others continue to try to throw it in my face that’s their process and they are the ones who are stuck there. I’m moving forward with or without them. Thank you again for your comment and have a great day.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Eric. Although this post does not sound like you, I am glad that you take the freedom to write what you feel, rather than just let it build. As you know, I can’t say I know what you are going through, or how you feel when the past gets thrown up at you. All I can say is, I know you are a better, bigger person now, and regardless of what comes against you, you WILL rise above and overcome it.
    Like in all you have done in changing your life around Eric, continue to make the good CHOICES that are available for you.
    Some things may look like blockades, but in those instances, take a deep breath, think it through, look for a better alternative, and go that way.
    You have many people on your team, Eric, knowing how far you have travelled, and probably you don’t even know how many people you have helped, but there are many.
    We love ya Bro. Keep up the good fight. We have seen the real Eric progress, grow strong, be a helper to many.
    Praying for you Eric. Thanks for all you do

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you George. I am grateful that I can share my feelings and experiences and receive such helpful feedback from you and others. I have been blessed to have so many wonderful people in my corner offering their wisdom and support. Although I cannot change the past or the way people choose to discriminate against me because of it. I do not have to settle for less or allow others to make me feel less than. I am no longer that person and I no longer do those things. I know that I deserve better. So that door closed. It’s their loss. I will continue to pray, and push through. Thank you again brother for always giving me a fresh perspective. Have a great day my friend.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Eric, please do not let other define you. Define yourself. If the paper you are talking about are arrest records, check with your state law about expunge or sealing them. If it’s people from the past bringing up the past, put THEM in the past. You are a new creation.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Xena. I was just looking into expunged records last night and that is what I plan on doing. It’s been too damn long for this to still be affecting my life. I was disappointed yesterday but feeling much much better today. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I truly appreciate it. Have a awesome day.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. something that works for me is desensitization. i visit a place with memories so many times it ends up boring. In traumatic occasions i try new extreme stuff to force my brain to stay at present and create new associations. When it comes to your life being fucked up,i try to correct the wrong decisions one day at a time. You are not alone in this, hang on there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your support and encouragement. I appreciate your taking the time to read my blog and commenting on my posts. I am grateful that I am not alone and I have a place to share my feelings and experiences and gain some insight from your comments. Have a marvelous day.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ERIC
    I GET IT, AND HAVE LIVED THAT VERY MUCH SO…
    THE THINGS I HOLD ON TO IS I’M NOT WHO OR WHAT THEY SAY I AM, SO I KEEP ON PUSHING!!!!
    AFTER YOU’VE DONE ALL YOU CAN JUST STAND…
    FOR IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE DAWN!!!
    HOLD ON MY BROTHER I KNOWWWW IT GETS BETTER!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Whitney. I’m feeling much better today. I appreciate your support and encouragement and thank you for reading and commenting and sharing your identification. Have a blessed day.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh Eric how sad to read this, you are obviously having a difficult time over something at the moment. I will say it as I do…it’s true you can’t change your past, how others perceive you is a reflection of their inability to celebrate your achievements, not a reflection on what you have achieved. Life throws us obstacles and disappointments whether we are ex users in recovery or not. It’s how we deal with them that matters. Life can be pretty shitty at times but you know in your heart not to pay heed to those that don’t understand your journey. Take comfort that you have achieved so much and inspired helped and supported many. Me included. ( of course!). Get some time to yourself meditate focus on the good things everything you have given and shared with us. Tomorrow is a new day my friend put this one behind you dust yourself down you are better than this (( hugs))

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Karen. As always I appreciate your support and encouragement. I am feeling much better today. I just had to allow myself to feel what I was feeling and vent. I know that my past will never go away but I also know that I no longer live there. I’m a survivor and I will continue to push through and rise to the occasion. I am grateful that I can share my thoughts ๐Ÿ’ญ and get such wonderful feedback from you and others. You help me more than you can imagine. Thank you. Have a fantastic day.

      Liked by 1 person

      • So good to know you feel better today ๐Ÿ˜„ yes it’s good to vent – maybe it’s just not your usual style which is why I was concerned! You are a survivor – you have been thro so much in your life – as I guess many do but for you with the added burden of addiction. My sponsor shared something with me the other day when I was moaning on… Maybe you have heard this before? But she said we ( that do the 12 steps) have to do things that most people never have to do, ( step 4 in particular!) are we blessed? Damn right because we come thro it the other side and then after step 5 and 6 we know who and what we are – we work hard to get thro those steps and those that don’t know the programme will never know that – we are survivors fighters and ultimately the most honest humble and grateful, because we have done that work. ( just saying) ๐Ÿ˜Š have a good ( what’s left of) weekend X

        Liked by 1 person

        • I understand completely Karen. My posts are usually upbeat but yesterday was indeed different. That is a fact we that have a program are truly blessed to be able to dig deep and then express what we discover is absolutely amazing. Survivors of a near fatal catastrophe we are a special kind of people. It is very humbling. I am forever grateful. Thank you my friend. You also enjoy the rest of your weekend.

          Liked by 1 person

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