BREAKING FREE FROM MY MENTAL PRISON

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For many years, I held on tightly to the role of victim. I truly believed that everyone had it out for me and contributed to my failures. It was always someone else’s fault. It was a conspiracy, a set up or something or another. I wasn’t able to get honest with myself and take responsibility for my actions. I blamed my environment, my childhood, my parents, neighbors and even strangers.

Pointing ☝ the finger at anyone and everyone else was easier than admitting that I was to blame. Denial, justifications and rationalizations became my everyday norm. Little did I know that I was creating a monster, that I was creating a mental block, a fantasy land of lies and self deception. I was placing myself under arrest, locking myself up and throwing away the key. I became a imaginary cartoon character. Unable to fathom that I could possibly do anything wrong.

While I was in this state of deep denial, I used those excuses to commit offenses against the public at large. All the while feeling justified and believing that it was necessary at the time for my survival. Using drugs has a funny way of warping my thoughts and making them seem rational. The truth is now even without the use of drugs, my thoughts 💭 are often warped.

That’s where I am at today. Although I have been clean for 2 yrs, 7 mos and 29 days. My thoughts 💭 at times, are still like that of when I was using. I find myself suffering from delusional thought patterns, paranoid thought patterns and even the useless, hopeless and worthless thought patterns. It’s a struggle some days and others it’s not. More often than not I am in a good space, but I have been dealing with issues of not being grateful lately and I have shared openly with my sponsor and network about it.

I can be my worse enemy. I have a bad habit of being very critical of myself and allowing my past to have me believe that I will never be as good as I know I can be. I self sabotage and isolate myself from the same people that helped save my life. My Higher Power included. I had been feeling like this recently after being denied a job as a result of a background check. I immediately went into the pity potty mode and felt like giving up. The negativity was thick and I was caught up in the grips.

I am grateful that I do not have the urges or desires to hurt myself or others by using anymore. That is the farthest thing from my mind these days. After all, One thing I know for sure is my life is fuckin awesome right now. I will not trade it in for my old using life. No thanks. I will not think myself into trouble. I just had a couple of bad days that’s all. I am back to feeling great and I am back on my grind. Job searching, school work, meetings, family, and overall gratitude for the whole damn thing.

I just wanted to share that no matter what we go through.

This too shall pass.

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

YOU CAN TRY, BUT YOU WILL NEVER STOP MY FORWARD MOTION

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So yesterday I was feeling disappointed and a little discouraged about something that I am all to familiar with. It’s a well known practice amongst the hiring world, the powers that be. It’s the discriminatory practice of the criminal background check. Now don’t get me wrong. I believe that it’s is needed, there are some nefarious people out there. In some cases it is necessary and definitely warranted. But in other cases. Well there needs to be some kind of guidelines and exceptions.

In my active addiction I racked up quite a few charges and sadly at the time didn’t know how badly it would affect the future me.. I have the misfortune of feeling those affects now. The fact that my records date back to the early 80s and the worst of my offenses happened in 1992. Now for those of us who know, that’s 24 years ago. I am still being prosecuted in a sense and am still serving that sentence.

I wonder if the powers that be even know that it has been that long. Do they bother to read the charges and the years of the convictions. Or do they just automatically render a judgment simply because there is a charge there. I tend to think it’s the latter. I believe that if they would bother to further investigate they would see that I am not that same person. If they took the opportunity to get to know me and evaluate my skills they would be amazed at just what I am capable of.

I have struggled with the issues of my past for years. I often wondered what, if anything I could do about it. Until recently I thought I couldn’t do anything. A few years ago I applied for a certificate of relief from disabilities from the state parole board and received it. Unfortunately it does very little and doesn’t hold much weight. The reason being no one gets to see it. They don’t ask if you have one on applications. They only ask if you have been convicted of a crime. I am currently looking into having my convictions expunged. I am reading up on the process and will be seeking some guidance in that area.

So my dialema is getting past the background check in order to actually get to express who I truly am. I am a survivor, I am no longer able to quit, get frustrated and use behind the feelings. Today I am equipped with a network of people who offer support and suggestions. I am able to take a minute to reevaluate the situation. I have tools to vent my frustrations and get the feedback that I need when I might not be seeing too clearly.

Yesterday’s disappointment
Is today’s determination.

Thank you to everyone who commented and offered suggestions on yesterday’s post. Your Love, Support and Encouragement helped me more than you can ever imagine. I am truly Grateful and Blessed to have such a great support network of friends.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

HOW DO YOU LEAVE THE PAST WHEN THE PAST HAUNTS YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO

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I’m feeling like fuck it. What’s the use. No matter how many steps forward I take, my past will always come back to haunt me. No matter what I do the wreckage of my past will always be a obstacle.

Im tired of hearing about letting go and leaving in God’s hands 👐. Every time it’s the same shit. I get my hopes up only to have my dreams smashed over some shit that happened decades ago. Tell me how come they can’t just let it go. How come I am still paying dues for things that I did way back when.

It’s hard to stay in a positive frame of mind. It’s hard right now, not to just say fuck it. I give up. I mean after all what’s the use. In the eyes of John Q Public I will always be a criminal and a drug addict. I will never measure up to the standards of society so why bother.
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I am not that person that I used to be, but they will never know that because all they see is what’s on paper. It’s not easy dealing with this life. Discrimination is waiting around every fuckin corner. Waiting patiently until I get a inch above a glimmer of hope. Waiting so it can stomp down and  smash my hope to dust.

Lost dreams awakened only to be shattered like the broken beer bottles of yesterday.