I often ask myself this question. I have been thinking a lot lately about how much my life has changed. But I have also been thinking about how much my life is still the same.
I am grateful that I can share my experiences with the world but even more, I am grateful that I have experiences to share. I know that I am doing things today that I have only dreamed of and my life is amazing right now. I know that I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I am still a work in progress.
I understand that fact, but there’s this underlying feeling that occasionally eats at me. A feeling that is hard to describe in words but it’s a familiar feeling. It’s a feeling similar to that of failure. It’s a feeling that I know and then again don’t. I have the unfortunate disease of complication, uncertainty and fear. I have a disease that tells me that I am not enough and what I do is not enough. This disease wants me to believe that I do not deserve the blessings that I have received and it has me waiting for the impending doom that has always been associated with my life.
The thing is
I love the changes that have been happening in my life. The thing also is I am still operating on a one track mind frame. I on one hand welcome change but on the other become closed minded when that change, changes. When I am set on something I want it to come through, but when the variables change I balk. I become stuck and undecided. I become closed minded and find it difficult at times to snap out of it. That’s one of many of my character defects.
I know that it’s all in my head. It’s the result of years of drug abuse and not growing up and stuffing feelings and experiences that no sane person should ever have to endure. It’s from years of allowing fear to dictate my life. I also know that I have grown and am still growing and will face challenges.
So what’s the difference.
The difference is I am not who I was back then. I have changed. I have grown and will continue to do so. I will never give up, because the life I want is becoming a reality. It’s within grasp and is no longer my wildest dreams. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. I will have ups and I will have downs. I will not allow fear to have me feeling like I am not worthy. I am willing to work past those fears and character defects to get to my next level.
Progress not perfection.
Slow motion is better than no motion.
I am forever grateful for the opportunity to live life and not still be suffering from the ill effects of my addiction. That is not to say that my transition into this new life came without challenges and obstacles. I didn’t just wake up one day and all of a sudden my life was magically transformed into something wonderful. It took time for me to surrender to the the fact that the old negative habits, behaviors and attitudes were killing me. Slowly draining me of every ounce of life. I was on the road to a slow and painful death before I was able to make the decision to ask for help. It was a decision that came in the moment of utter desperation. I cried out to God and asked him to please save me from myself.
The call was answered but that wasn’t the end of it. I didn’t know then what I know now. That it takes hard work and dedication to maintain this new way of life. That the road to recovery isn’t paved with fluffy pillows and marshmallows. I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was. This new way of life forced me to start taking a different kind of risk. It forced me to start challenging myself and to start telling the truth about myself.
Fear my greatest nemesis blocked me yet again from receiving the rewards of a better life. Fear kept me locked and loaded into looking for ways and means to stay stuck right where I was most comfortable. In the pain and misery that I had become accustomed to. Fear of change kept me the same and doing the same things for years and it blocked my blessings in the beginning of my recovery and still pokes it’s ugly head in to check up on me daily.
I am suffering from the symptoms of fear right now. I am about to embark on a new journey. I have a interview this week and I haven’t been on a interview in almost 10 years.The last time I interviewed wasn’t pretty either. Lol I know I was a wreck and I know they knew it too. This time I don’t have addiction to worry about. I am clean and facing life’s challenges a day at a time. I feel all kinds of feelings whenever I think about this interview. My head is spinning from it all. I think that I am thinking about it too much. I do not want to psych myself out. I have prayed on it and I am trying to leave it in my higher powers hands. I keep taking it back though.
My life has turned around and it keeps getting better and better daily. Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my life. I am amazed at how far I have come in such a short time. There are times that fear would try to have me believe that I do not deserve this life. After all I am just a crack head right. That’s what my addiction still wants me to believe about myself. The fear of success, of progress, of growing and evolving has a way of breaking me down. Bringing me back to that scared little boy of yesteryear. I will continue to fight past my fears. I have been doing a great job at facing my fears and I will continue to practice what has been working.
I know that the fear is all in my head. I will push pass this and continue on my road to success and happiness. I just needed to blow of some steam and share this with you all.
Thank you for listening.
Peace and blessings
On this day back in 1937 my father was born. In August of 2001 my father had his home coming.
I remember my Father as a strick, hard working man. He made sure his boys knew the basics. As I got older and my addiction settled in my Father became my enabler of sorts. No matter how hard he fought he always came through. He tried his best to keep me from going to prison again and again. He tried his best to help me see the error of my ways. I was too caught up in the grips and ignored his every warning.
Before my Father passed away he was able to see me living a semi better life. He had seen me at my worse and he seen my struggling to try to get clean. Unfortunately he never got to see me clean. He never got to see his son get past his demons.
I never got to express to my Father how much I appreciate everything he had done for me and how much I love him. I never really had the opportunity to properly grieve his death and am still heartbroken. I still come to tears when I think about him and am crying now as I write this.
I miss my Father. He was my friend. I am feeling sad, depressed, angry and frustrated. I am going through it. I will get through it. I know he is smiling down on me and proud of where I am at today.
Happy birthday Pops
Peace and blessings
I am grateful for the opportunity to continue learning. To advance and further my education. Recovery has afforded me many things, but the most important thing I am getting out of this journey is finding out who I am and what I like.
Fear has kept me from exploring new things. Fear of failure as well as fear of success. Fear of change and fear of leaving my old familiar pain. Yes that was a fear of mines. I actually had gotten so used to my familiar pain that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it without it. Crazy as it might sound it’s true and that’s my distorted addicts thinking.
For a long time I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. Where or what I wanted to be. I was at a loss because I never thought about it. I never thought I would ever get out of the drug induced life that I lived for so many years. So thinking about a future seemed to be a waste of time. I was wrong and I thank God for helping me to see that I am worthy of so much more.
Being a recovering addict who is working my program to the best of my ability. I am finding new pathways, exploring new avenues and blazing new trailways. I am open to new and exciting adventures and am living a life beyond anything I ever imagined possible. Recovery and spirituality have changed my life. Lost dreams have been awakened and new possibilities are arising.
I am looking forward to the next exciting chapter in many chapters of my new life. I am about to embark on a journey that has brought me pleasure as a child and has been sparked again as an adult. Photography. 📸 I love taking pictures and I have enrolled in a course which will teach me the fundamentals and the advanced techniques. I am excited, exhilarated, scared, nervous and anxious all at the same time.
😁 Overall I’m happy about the whole damn thing. I would not trade the way I feel for nothing in the world.
Peace and blessings