For years my fears and insecurities have held me back. The lack of confidence in myself, low self esteem and self loathing have been dream killers for the majority of my life. I settled for less than because I always thought that I couldn’t do any better or if I knew I could do better I stayed because of a lack of effort, fear of this or that and a false belief system that in the end had me believing that I did NOT deserve better.
I have been duped, bamboozled, blinded and utterly fooled by an addiction that has only 1 specific mission. To kill me. But it will settle for me being ignorant, uninformed and living in pain and misery. It will settle for the slow death because in some mixed up crazy ass way it makes me think that I deserve to suffer. It loves when I doubt myself and am in constant fear and confusion. It loves to attempt to bring me back to that miserable place when I am at my weakest moments.It loves to see me self destruct and sabotage everything that I have worked for. It has a way of making me believe the lies even sometimes when I know better. It is very sneaky and always aware and lurking.
It is me. It is my own thinking, It is my own choices and my own decisions. It is always me.
Recovery has been a true eye opener. I am learning to look at life through a new set of eyes and a new mindset. I have become open to new ideas and able to face new challenges as a result of my not only staying clean but by me doing some work. But the truth is I still have doubts, fears and insecurities. No one ever said that getting and staying clean would magically erase all of my fears. Nor did they say that by following this way that my life would suddenly become problem and worry free. Or as I like to put it.. my life is not all of a sudden magically delicious. If they did make such false promises, the minute something I was told didn’t come true.My disease would have had a field day with the I told you so. I would have left and started using again. I would have believed that this was all a bunch of bullshit and that I should have never put any trust in it. I would have stayed away from recovery and everyone in it. I would have died because I would have felt once again I have been betrayed, lied to, cheated.
Thankfully What they did say was by me staying clean I stand a better chance at learning how to cope with the problems and that I would be able to learn to face and overcome my fears. I was told that I could stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. I was told that and I wanted it so badly but I was unable to fully commit to believing it. That was then. Today I not only believe it but I am living it.
Today my fears are a lessened because I am able to share them with others. My insecurities when active are not as paralyzing and although sometimes they get the best of me and I start to self sabotage I have people in my life that understand and can talk me off the ledge. I am grateful for the lessons learned and even for the ones I have yet to learn because I am growing, changing and finally living.
Who could ask for anything more.