I heard it said many times that if I think I can or cannot I am right. I could never quite figure out what that meant until recently. I didn’t understand the power that lies with my thoughts. That if I think negatively about something it will eventually have a negative outcome. If I think positively I will have a positive result. My circumstances are determined by my own energy and my attitude towards any given situation.
For what seems like a thousand years I have had a negative outlook on life. As a child I can remember not liking myself and wishing my life was better, wishing I was this or that. I defeated my own purpose then and as I grew older I started experimenting with substances. My circumstances only got worse and my life spiraled out of control because I truly believed that I could not do anything about it. I wallowed in self pity and blamed everyone for what I thought to be my misfortune. Taking no responsibility for my actions because I didn’t know how.
Coming into recovery all these years later it is difficult to undo all the damage that I have caused myself. My fractured thinking still at times will have me believe that I am not worthy and that things are going to end badly soon. I have come a long way since October 2013 but the truth is I have only begun to scratch the surface. I have a long road ahead of me I know. The main difference today is I am learning not to see my glass as half empty. I try to see the big picture and not self defeat. I fall short on many occasions believe me. That’s why I am grateful that I have people in my life. Those closest to me help me to recognize when I am blocking my own blessings and she helps me to see through my own mess.
I can admit today that I need help and that I cannot always see past the obstacle that is me. But I believe that I will and that’s why I continue to do the work.
Peace and blessings
For a long time I was ashamed and embarrassed about my life. I was brainwashed into thinking that I wasn’t worthy or even capable of living life that I saw others enjoying. To top it off I was made to feel less than by others. Listening to the name calling and opinions of people brought my self esteem even lower than it already was. I felt less than because I suffered from an addiction. A disease that I could not control nor understand. I allowed other people’s opinions of me dictate my life and as a result I sunk deeper into isolation and became a prisoner of my own mind.
The truth is. No one has the right to put another person down or to make anyone feel less than or unworthy. It says more about them than it does about me. But being that I already felt that way about myself I was easily swayed into believing it to be true. My fractured mind could not figure out why I was the way I was. It only allowed me to agree with the assessment of others. For years I lived in a state of depression, fear, agony, pain and misery. Never venturing out past my little self made prison. I was hopeless and wanted to end the miserable existence that was my life.
Thankfully God saw fit to save me from myself. I am in a life saving process of recovery. Not just from drugs but also from all the lies I believed, from all the harsh words from others, from all the desperation, degradation and despair. I am recovering from the harm that I not only caused myself but the harm that I caused others too.
I am proud of who I am becoming and NO One can take that away from me. Nothing anyone can say to me today will ever make me feel like I am less than or not worthy.
I had a discussion this morning with my wife and it was basically about why I haven’t posted anything to my blog recently. I had to admit that I have been in a slump lately and been suffering from for lack of a better term writers block. I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around a subject to post about other that the usual topics and my disease has been actively telling me that I post about the same things over and over and no one wants to keep reading about it. I even went as far as to consider shutting down the blog. I have been thinking too much and had to take a break.
I know all to well what happens when I over think things. I can create a problem where there is none and how if I am not careful my disease will have me thinking that I am not helping anyone nor myself by writing my blog and that recovery is not really working and I should just stop kidding myself. I am aware today that my thinking is beyond normal and most would agree upside down.
I am thankful for the awareness that I have gained in recovery. I am learning new things about myself daily and I am beginning to notice patterns of behavior and attitudes associated with those behaviors. I am learning to identify my feelings and even express them sometimes. Other times I sit in silence and try to figure out the meaning of it all by myself and think myself crazy. I am aware today when I am thinking myself crazy and even though I may not be able to catch it before it starts, eventually I do catch it and can stop it and start my day over at any time.
I am thankful for serenity. I have found a level of peace since coming into recovery that I have never known nor experienced before. I am 20 times calmer today than I was 3 years ago. My temper is not as bad and I am not as quick to want to jump knee deep into yo ass. I am able to think a lot clearer and to even use consequential thinking. I know that for every action there is a reaction and for every reaction there is a consequence. Good or bad there is always a result to my actions. I am thankful for the wisdom to take a second to breathe and not act off impulse today.
I am thankful for the things that I am learning about the disease of addiction and the many different ways that it will try to discredit my achievements and my forward motion. I am thankful that I am a lot better at not allowing my feelings or my thoughts to dictate my actions today. I have the ability to choose and I exercise that option.
I am thankful for a lot of things, too many to write about here in this post but the list goes on and on. Needless to say I am very thankful for all of the people in my life today who help me along the way in this process of life. Recovery has made such a tremendous difference in my life and I will be forever thankful for this opportunity to grow and spread my wings.
I am thankful that I got to live 2 lives in one lifetime.This experience is priceless and I would not trade my new way of life for nothing. Especially not my old life.I will keep fighting for my freedom come hell or high water.
I have been blessed beyond words.
For years my fears and insecurities have held me back. The lack of confidence in myself, low self esteem and self loathing have been dream killers for the majority of my life. I settled for less than because I always thought that I couldn’t do any better or if I knew I could do better I stayed because of a lack of effort, fear of this or that and a false belief system that in the end had me believing that I did NOT deserve better.
I have been duped, bamboozled, blinded and utterly fooled by an addiction that has only 1 specific mission. To kill me. But it will settle for me being ignorant, uninformed and living in pain and misery. It will settle for the slow death because in some mixed up crazy ass way it makes me think that I deserve to suffer. It loves when I doubt myself and am in constant fear and confusion. It loves to attempt to bring me back to that miserable place when I am at my weakest moments.It loves to see me self destruct and sabotage everything that I have worked for. It has a way of making me believe the lies even sometimes when I know better. It is very sneaky and always aware and lurking.
It is me. It is my own thinking, It is my own choices and my own decisions. It is always me.
Recovery has been a true eye opener. I am learning to look at life through a new set of eyes and a new mindset. I have become open to new ideas and able to face new challenges as a result of my not only staying clean but by me doing some work. But the truth is I still have doubts, fears and insecurities. No one ever said that getting and staying clean would magically erase all of my fears. Nor did they say that by following this way that my life would suddenly become problem and worry free. Or as I like to put it.. my life is not all of a sudden magically delicious. If they did make such false promises, the minute something I was told didn’t come true.My disease would have had a field day with the I told you so. I would have left and started using again. I would have believed that this was all a bunch of bullshit and that I should have never put any trust in it. I would have stayed away from recovery and everyone in it. I would have died because I would have felt once again I have been betrayed, lied to, cheated.
Thankfully What they did say was by me staying clean I stand a better chance at learning how to cope with the problems and that I would be able to learn to face and overcome my fears. I was told that I could stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. I was told that and I wanted it so badly but I was unable to fully commit to believing it. That was then. Today I not only believe it but I am living it.
Today my fears are a lessened because I am able to share them with others. My insecurities when active are not as paralyzing and although sometimes they get the best of me and I start to self sabotage I have people in my life that understand and can talk me off the ledge. I am grateful for the lessons learned and even for the ones I have yet to learn because I am growing, changing and finally living.
Who could ask for anything more.