LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN

DANCE

Hello and God Bless You.

As you have probably noticed I cut my blog back to once a week. I have to start implementing some balance in my life. With my work schedule being so erratic it was becoming very hard to also write my blog and do all the other things so I chose to make my blog a weekly post for the time being.

As much as I love to share my thoughts and feelings with you all it does pain me to have to cut back so I have decided to start sharing my older posts with you.

With that being said

I have been suffering from a case of negative thinking patterns again. I know that sometimes it can sound like crying wolf but for those of you who know how addiction works this is a battle for my life and the old negative thoughts will never completely go away. Also if you know anything about addiction you know that I am only as sick as my secrets and exposure helps defeat thy monster. Now this doesn’t happen all the time but it does pop its ugly head up in some of the strangest and most serious of times in my life. For instance I was feeling a bit low the other day and the I CAN’T tried to invade. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue living like this, I can’t make this new position work, I cant make a meeting today. Well you get the picture.

Of course I know that this is just my addiction checking in to see if I have a weak spot in my recovery as it will do from time to time because it not only wants me back but it wants me DEAD. I have learned so much in recovery that I am aware of this today. There was a time when I used to believe all the negative thoughts and I would be out there all fucked up right now. I lived that lie for too many years..NOT TODAY. I have a tool box full useful techniques and people who are wise beyond their years in my corner who help me.
(THAT’S RIGHT I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU)

Also I was on Facebook the other day and my friend Regina H mentioned a book which I haven’t read in a while so I decided to read it again The Power of Positive Living by Norman Vincent Peale. It has helped to remind me that I am going to live what I think. If I think that I can’t do something and keep telling myself that I can’t then guess what. I can’t. It also reminded me that I have to replace the negative thoughts with a counter thought a positive thought to out weigh the negative one. Once I do that then I have to keep reinforcing it or the negative thought will haunt me and pop back up.
(This is so true because it happens to me from time to time)
I am grateful that I use what I choose not to loose.

One of my favorite phrases is
PROPER PLANNING PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE.
It is just a little something that I keep saying to myself and it helps me in times when I am in my feelings.
I know that this is a lifelong fight. I accept the challenge gracefully. I have a higher power that I choose to call GOD. I pray and pray some more. I am not gonna sit here and have you thinking that I got it all together and life in recovery is so freaking easy because it is not. It may seem that way at times because I try to remain upbeat.

IT IS NOT ALWAYS SUNNY BUT I AM LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

REPOST: # 1 PRIORITY

LOSE WHAT U CHOOSE NOT TO USE

144 DAYS CLEAN “We must use what we learn or we will lose it, no matter how long we have been clean.”
Basic Text, p. 85

Just for Today:

I can’t afford to be too busy to recover I will do something today that sustains my recovery.

Hello and God Bless You.

You know looking at today’s Just for Today I am reminded of how important it is for me to continue to be vigilant when it come to my recovery. I was just saying to myself that I need to make a meeting and POW the just for today tells me the same thing. I know that’s my higher power working behind the scenes to make sure that I understand that I need to get my ass back to my home group and make meetings. I have been getting caught up in work and trying to fix problems in my personal life lately and have been skipping my meetings. I know first hand that this is not good.

I can remember not too long ago getting so caught up in my job and personal life and not making meetings, before I knew it a month had gone by and I hadn’t made a single meeting. Well needless to say my resolve was worn down a little thin and before i knew what hit me I was listening to those negative voices in my head and I was off to the damn races again. I say again because this is not the first time it has happened. Now that I know the signs I can better understand and identify my lapses in my daily routine and my triggers. I am ever so grateful to be a part of the fellowship because it has saved my life.

I need to keep this up front and stop putting other things that pop up in my life ahead of my recovery. It is only a short distance to the next drink and after that the next hit. I have to monitor myself because I suffer from CRS Can’t Remember Shit syndrome. I am always online and talking with my network of new friends in recovery but face to face meetings are a must for me as well. I do not wish to revert back to my old habits and behaviors. If I do not put my recovery first I will be back if I am lucky enough to make it back saying I have 1 day clean. I been there it is time to make new routines and not continue the same old ones.

Today I am grateful to have God of my understanding in my life. I am renewing my faith that I abandoned while in my active addiction. I know today that I am responsible for my recovery and no one else. I have blamed everyone and everything for my past failures never taking responsibility. Today is different. I have a new set of principals and I live by a new code. Not the old street code that has landed me in more hot water than I care to remember let alone live again. I will continue to do my best to maintain what I have. I will make more meetings and stop making excuses for why I cannot go to a meeting. Work will be there after the meeting but If I relapse work is suspect..

IF I SNOOZE THEN I WILL LOSE WHAT I CHOOSE NOT TO USE. THEN I WILL HAVE THE BLUES.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

Please feel free to join my blog, leave a comment or check out some of the useful links on the sidebar.

I appreciate all of the support.

Love you all.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

REPOST: 2012 RESENTMENTS

RELEASING MY RESENTMENTS

5 MONTHS 7 DAYS

We want to look our past in the face, see it for what it really was, and release it so we can live today.
Basic Text, p. 29

Just for today:

When I discover a resentment, Ill see it for what it is and let it go.

Hello welcome to The Struggle.

Resentment is a main cause for relapse in my life. Constantly revisiting the past hurts, pains and holding on to past grudges has caused more harm than I could ever imagine. Coming into recovery I didn’t understand what resentment was and sometimes to this day I still don’t fully understand all the aspects and multi layers of resentment. I do know that it is unhealthy. The longer I stay in touch with my life in recovery, the more I uncover.

I am slowly forgiving others but mainly myself because the more I look at my past the more I realize most of the resentments I hold against others was really not their fault it was my own. I have been blaming others for the majority of my life and I am starting to take responsibility for my actions and it is helping me to clear up all the confusion and release the misguided resentment.

I am learning so many things about my disease and my life that I feel like a child again sometimes. It a new beginning and I am glad its about progress and not perfection and that its a process and not a race. I am learning and changing at my own pace. Today I don’t feel pressured to keep up with The Jones’s. It is such a relief to be able to live and not try to impress everyone all the Damn time. (Although I do still struggle with it at times. I still have a need to be liked.) But I am working to release my resentments and keep my ego in check. Progress not perfection.

THE REAL ME PLEASE STAND UP

image

To thine own self be true.

I remember not too long ago pretending to be someone else. It seems so dishonest now, but in my active addiction it was a survival mechanism.

I always pretended to be more than I was. In other words I disliked the real me so I created an alternative. I just knew that If I didn’t like who I was, You wouldn’t either. So before you could get the chance to reject the real me, I pretended to be someone I thought you would approve of.

This went on for years. I created and deleted images and ego’s like some people change their socks. Everyday I had to switch up depending on where I was at. I felt I had to be someone else in order to fit in. To be a part of the crowd. To be loved, liked and accepted. After years of this dishonesty I began to lose who I truly was. I wasnt playing a character any more. I had become a monster, the giant of my own imagination. I became someone who I didn’t even recognize.

All the while there was this little inner voice screaming for help. Somebody help me please. I could hear it. I could feel it, but I couldn’t respond to it. I constantly ignored and eventually it went away. It stopped screaming for help. It died a lonely death. That inner voice was my true self trying to save me from me.

That voice has been awakened again within me. I have been given a second breath, a chance to start over, a fresh  new start. Recovery has awakened that voice.  It has sparked in me the will to carry on. To live a new and exciting life without the use of drugs or people, places or things.

I thought that the voice was gone forever and that I would never get out from under the grips of my deadly disease of addiction. I was wrong and I share my experiences to let others know that they can do it too. I am grateful for this life saving process.

I am uncovering my true self

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

REPOST: MARCH 2015

RECOVERY IS A LIFE SAVING PROCESS

recovey

As a addict I have experienced the pain, loneliness and despair of addiction. Before coming to the fellowship I tried everything in my power to control my usage of drugs. Nothing I ever tried worked. I tried switching my drug of choice, I tried lying to myself by saying I would only do 1. I tried hiding my money or asking someone to hold it for me. I even went as far as to leave money in my locker at work so I would not spend all of it, only to go to the job and get what I had stashed there. No matter what I tried, how many different approaches, techniques, plots and schemes they all failed. My addiction was to aggressive and I would cave in to the cravings every time. No matter what I tried in the end my addiction lead me to a downward spiral every time. Slowly but surely the progression would get worse until I was back at rock bottom.

I have learned by working some steps about the mental and physical affects of my addiction. Mentally I would become obsessed with thoughts of using. I would be thinking about using day in and day out. I would be thinking about what I was going to do when my drugs ran out long before they actually ran out. I would plan on Sunday how much of my money would go to buying my drugs when I got paid on Friday. I couldn’t last a minute without thinking of using and finding ways and means to get more. I was totally obsessed and consumed with it and my life reflected that. Then there is the physical aspect of my addiction. The compulsive urges to continue using even when I knew the end results would be devastating. Regardless of the consequences or repercussions I continued to use. They say that insanity is doing the same things expecting different results, well my insanity reached the 100th power because I did the same things knowing the results and did them anyway.There is also a spiritual aspect of addiction and that is the self centeredness. You see no matter what happens its all about me, what I want and how I feel. I want what I want and I want it now. I have hurt a lot of people along the way with my selfishness. But in reality is was my addiction not the real me that had me in its grips. I had no control over it or my actions.

I didn’t know anything about the affects of my disease until I came into recovery and started to do step work. I always thought that I was a normal person and the things I did were normal too. I thought I was pretty smart and that all I had to do was stop using drugs and everything was going to be ok. I have learned that I was wrong about that and many other things I thought that I knew. I never thought of myself as being powerless or unmanageable. I thought that surrender was for suckers, quitters and losers and I always thought I was in control of every situation. I had to learn that by surrendering to the disease of addiction and admitting my powerlessness and unmanageability that I would be able to grow and not only learn how to stay clean, but also learn that addiction is about much more than just drugs. Once I stopped using and had a clear mind I began to realize that my addictions started way before I ever picked up my first drink and drug.I began to see that my life had been unmanageable and I had been powerless long before I ever used any substance. Growing up I had addictions to lying and stealing and they only grew as I got older and began to experiment with drugs.

I was always trying to control situations even at a early age only to find out now that I have no control over others actions only over how I respond to them. I can tell you how much of a shock that was to me, and I still didn’t believe it even though all the proof was staring me right in the face. I have always been a hard head and one you had to prove things to. I was the same way in my early recovery and as a result I relapsed time and time again. Today I know better and once you know you cannot go back to not knowing. I am grateful for the process of step work. Just by answering some simple questions honestly and openly I have learned a great deal about myself and why I have done some of the things I did. I am learning who I am and how to accept the things I am learning without acting out. It is a process that is saving and changing my life on a daily basis and I will be forever grateful.

I have the opportunity to live the life I was meant to live. I am in the process of doing things I used to only dream of and it is an amazing journey. I share my experiences with you all in the hopes that I might be able to help someone who might be struggling with the same things I struggled with.

I am here to share hope.

A message of freedom from active addiction. That an addict, any addict. Can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.

I can’t tell you the difference in me today compared to 10, 5 even 2 years ago. The proof is in the way I live.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://www.fromstruggletostrength.com

Peace and blessing

Eric Ease