REPOST: APRIL 2012


CAN’T HALF CHANGE

5 MONTHS CLEAN

Hello and God Bless You

I have been so consumed with work lately that I have been neglecting other areas of my life that I really need to be paying more attention too. My blog is one of them. Making meetings is another.

I was thinking the other day about character defects and how many of them I seem to have. Lol. I came to the conclusion that I have to make a complete overhaul of my life. I knew that I would have to change the way I was living. I really didn’t understand the full scope of the word change.

I am starting to realize that I can’t just change certain things and leave other things the way they are. I am beginning to see how all my attitudes and behaviors are all tied into each other and how they all connect. I cannot stop using and continue to associate with people who do. (Family members basically) I have always been good at giving others comfort and advice but bad at applying to my own life. I am struggling with following my own advice about letting go. Still. And I have been falling behind on my meetings and stepwork.

I am starting to get the feeling that I am not going to be able to maintain my new life. The more clean time I accumulate the more I fear that I am not going to be able to do this. I know that fear is one of my downfalls and I am not trying to let it stop me from growing but it does and is on my mind. I have allowed fear of success stop me in my tracks many times in the past. It is a defect I wish to rid myself of. I pray that I do not let this get in the way of my succeeding in recovery and life in general. I am so tired of being a failure but I still struggle at times with low self esteem and feeling not worthy. I know they are feelings and they will pass but I also know that I have to continue to tell on my disease and expose my fears. I am honest about what I go through and will continue to post how and what I feel.

That’s what I am dealing with lately but even though I feel this way I am not using. So I know that something has changed in me.

God is great

Thank you for reading my blog and for being a part of my world.

Feel free to post your comments, thoughts or concerns.

Peace and Blessings to you all

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