MAKING THE DECISION TO TURN IT OVER

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I can’t remember a time in my active addiction when I ever turned anything over or was able to let it go. Not one single time. I always had to have the last word, to be in control, to plot my revenge or live for the payback. Holding onto anger and resentment was a daily chore. It wasn’t born in my addiction either, I have been that way well before I ever picked up that first drink or drug.

I can remember being a very angry and spiteful child. I held grudges and dished out my own justice as early as the 2nd grade. I was a Evil 😈 little so and so. Or so I’ve been called, among other things. Growing up holding on to all that anger, all those resentments caused a rippling effect, a avalanche of outburst and random acts of violence. Uncontrollable urges to hurt someone or something. Most of the time it was me who got hurt. I did more damage to myself than I could ever have imagined.

Needless to say jails, institutions, hospitals, isolation, desperation, despair, agony, pain, misery, suffering, unhappiness, self loathing and self inflicted harm all became my reality. I became my own worst enemy. I traveled the path of self destruction for many years and lost all hope.

Coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity was absurd when I first heard it. I always blamed God for my troubles so that was another resentment to add to the list. Yes even God was on my hit list 📃. But as I kept showing up I began to notice some changes happening. I was becoming open to new things, my thinking 💭 was starting to change. I was becoming teachable. A miracle for sure because I suffered from I Know Syndrome. I was beginning to experience hope.
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That hope eventually turned into faith. I began to believe that I could change, stay clean and accomplish things. I saw others doing it, I listened to the stories and eventually those accomplishments started happening to me. Faith began to turn to trust. Wow. I was really changing because I didn’t trust anything or anyone. My life was becoming something that I did not recognize. I was apprehensive at first because it was uncomfortable. Fear has kept me stuck in a never ending cycle for years but I make a conscious effort on a daily basis not to allow my fear of succeeding to stop my flow.

I have to admit and believe me that trust and fear are still a issues but I am getting better gradually. I’ve made a commitment to turn them over. Letting go is a process and it’s easier said than done but today I know that it’s doable.

Nothing is impossible.

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

REPOST: APRIL 2012

CAN’T HALF CHANGE

5 MONTHS CLEAN

Hello and God Bless You

I have been so consumed with work lately that I have been neglecting other areas of my life that I really need to be paying more attention too. My blog is one of them. Making meetings is another.

I was thinking the other day about character defects and how many of them I seem to have. Lol. I came to the conclusion that I have to make a complete overhaul of my life. I knew that I would have to change the way I was living. I really didn’t understand the full scope of the word change.

I am starting to realize that I can’t just change certain things and leave other things the way they are. I am beginning to see how all my attitudes and behaviors are all tied into each other and how they all connect. I cannot stop using and continue to associate with people who do. (Family members basically) I have always been good at giving others comfort and advice but bad at applying to my own life. I am struggling with following my own advice about letting go. Still. And I have been falling behind on my meetings and stepwork.

I am starting to get the feeling that I am not going to be able to maintain my new life. The more clean time I accumulate the more I fear that I am not going to be able to do this. I know that fear is one of my downfalls and I am not trying to let it stop me from growing but it does and is on my mind. I have allowed fear of success stop me in my tracks many times in the past. It is a defect I wish to rid myself of. I pray that I do not let this get in the way of my succeeding in recovery and life in general. I am so tired of being a failure but I still struggle at times with low self esteem and feeling not worthy. I know they are feelings and they will pass but I also know that I have to continue to tell on my disease and expose my fears. I am honest about what I go through and will continue to post how and what I feel.

That’s what I am dealing with lately but even though I feel this way I am not using. So I know that something has changed in me.

God is great

Thank you for reading my blog and for being a part of my world.

Feel free to post your comments, thoughts or concerns.

Peace and Blessings to you all